Pushing the Rock

I need to hang out at Wal-Mart more; all those smiles might be contagious. But anyway, I rather amuse myself. It seems I not only have a cycle of emotions, but also one of memory. Each time I gradually forget the same lessons I learned previously until I grind them out and re-remember them. I guess I could blame the way my mind works, rapidly forgetting most of the information it gathers and deems unimportant, but I don't know if that's the case. Do the emotions affect the memory or does the loss of memory affect the emotions? Or are they really related at all? Who knows? At least the downs are so much shorter than the ups now. Perhaps they'll get smaller still as time progresses. One can only hope.

However, this time I really did remember something of use, at 1:15AM, that I wrote at the bottom. I believe that defeat, that giving up was really a defining moment. I don't know if it was at that moment, but I do remember that eventually I just stopped caring when my parents fought (Or rather my father yelled and whined and ranted like an upset spoiled child while my mother futilely tried to make a stand and gave up, like I did, because it never did any good). My sister would be in tears screaming, and I'd just apathetically look on, tired of the whole debacle. It's quite telling of a source of my fears and my personality, I think, and I am glad I remembered it all. Maybe if I've identified part of the problem, I can work on remedying the solution.

I suppose I could delete the entry below, as most people would when they read a depressed stupor, "waxing pathetic" as I like to call it, but it's not hurting anything where it is. What are you gonna do, form a negative opinion of me? If so, you haven't been paying attention for the past year :). I think it's important that people don't feel ashamed of their emotions. Which is why when I try to hide something, it means I'm uncertain and conflicted about it, thus producing a depression because I seek a right answer where none exist. Silly me.

I guess now I can enjoy the upswing and do some Calculus/college essays today. I can feel the depression returning already ;). Stay Warm!