Uninomercity

College is an interesting animal. I've had homework/studying everynight, more than I've had since Junior year. Strangely enough, I'm not even graded on the work I do. It's merely "preparation" for my actual classes. For those who don't know, and I don't know who you'd be, in college you generally don't get graded on homework. You take three or four tests in class, do a paper or two outside of class, and that's it. Seriously, my Philosophy, English, and Sociology classes only have 5-6 grades. That makes them all the more frightening.

One of the, dare I say, "positive" aspects of this is that the homework I do receive is rather interesting. I actually enjoyed reading my Physics textbook. The philosophy and english works aren't bad either. The work is no longer "busy"; it's what education should be. It just cements my idea of making homework optional for Math in highschool.

However, that still leaves Spanish. Spanish is a really scary class. There's just so much to memorize. And even when you memorize it, you're not completely sure of how to use it. Fortunately the more you learn, the more tools you have for communication, but it's still a very painful process. All the worse, I have to take it for two semesters. Como se dice "DDDOOOOOMMMEEEDDD?"

I had a guilt/stress nightmare last night. These usually equate themselves with me wrecking a car. I've been on rampages through campuses, over steep cliffs, lacerated by metal siding, all to escape unscathed with the car being in tatters. It's really stressful, because I feel incredibly guilty about the complications/monetary damage done by and to said vehicle. Notice my own personal welfare is never harmed. Just the car. Says something, eh?

I'll probably have quite a few of these dreams, because of that blasted 3.5. Of course, I don't have to keep a 3.85 like Ellen (Thank...existence?), but it's still rather steep. That means 2 A's, 1 B+, 2 B's. Or 3A's, 1 B+, 1 C+. Or 4 A's, 1 C. Which, compared to high school, it doesn't seem too bad. It just doesn't leave all that much room for error. And, in Spanish, I'll need a lot of room for error. That makes all my other classes all the worse.

Ah well. I guess I'll just have to study. A lot. Which I've been doing. I just hope I'm doing it right.

Politicians

Today, just because I wanted to do some interesting things, I went to go see Congressman Harold Ford, Jr. (Democratic Congressman from Memphis who's running for Senate) and, later on, Republican Congressman Zach Wamp speak. It was interesting in some ways, but annoying in others. For instance, the subject matter of Wamp's speech was Energy Policy. He basically said that energy is very important and that we need to be more efficient/think towards nuclear power and renewable sources. Well Duh. I mean, that's just plain common sense. Why don't you lay out the changes you want to make and how you're going to go about implementing them? Because that's what politicians do.

Congressman Ford wasn't much better. I thought he was pretty moderate and seemed like the type of guy who didn't get caught up in partisan rancor, but he didn't say much of anything either. He completely dodged a question about clearcutting mountains to mine coal, to a really blatant extent. But at least he took questions.

Ford also had a habit of saying a lot that didn't need to be said. It's a politician thing, I know, but it makes listening to him like listening to a foreign language, you have to pay close attention to everything he says to figure out where he stands. He would rarely just come out and give a short, succint answer. I'll probably still vote for him, but it's just something I noticed.

I also got tickets to see Maya Angelou. That'll be... something. So much to do, so many things to worry about... I can't wait to leave college already.

Well.

It's odd, how one night can be incredibly active and the next can be completely dull. I mean, I could certainly make my own excitement if I so desired, but the distinctions between yesterday (meaning Friday) and today (meaning Saturday) are quite marked. Yesterday, I did more in one night than I was used to doing in one week. Including, but not limited to, going bowling, seeing a movie, yelling at moving vehicles for no particular reason, starting a board game at midnight, and not killing a hooker. I know, I know, but I can only do so much in one night!

However, today, I've barely left my dorm room. I've been at my computer 12 hours, almost, doing nothing. I mean, even my game hasn't been that interesting. I kind of wonder what everyone else is doing. Not because I feel slighted, but because I'm wondering if this is disproportionate. You know, because that might...um... inform me. And information is the devil's toothbrush. Or something.

At any rate, I guess I'll try and go to bed. I mean, maybe today will hold something more exciting. At least my cold improved over the course of the day. Or did it?! Find out next time on "I Really Need to Start Drinking Better Alcohol."

And by "Better", I mean "any." Or do I? No, 'fraid not. Bummer, eh?

I didn't remember it was my birthday (yesterday) until 11:30 tuesday night. After 18, it's just not exciting anymore.

I remembered why I don't like philosophy today. It's because it makes me remember all the horrible, logical things I've struggled so hard to repress and escape from. Couple that with intense stress about having to do Spanish, and you've got nightmares until winter break. Oh well. Bummer, eh?

On a side note, have you ever had a dream where you knew a person was someone, but it looked nothing like them? For instance, I could be in a dream and I see Catherine, but she's a mime. Or I can be in a dream and I can see Sugue, and I know it's Sugue, as in, it has his identity, but it looks like a nun. Or I could see Lauren, but she looks like a can opener. Blows my mind.

I'd like to que YOUR sera!

Today I was offered a "book about Jesus" which I politely declined. In retrospect, I decided I should have said "No thanks, I write my own fiction." At first I thought this would be rather rude, but then I remembered that he's the one who thinks I ought to suffer eternally for something as arbitrary as a theory about existence. So I figure such a comment would be deserved.

I dunno, I'm rather frightened about a potential backlash over announcing my agnosticism. I guess it all stems from the time in Seventh grade where this kid started punching me in the arm and wouldn't stop just because he found out I didn't believe in God. Most Christians who find out seem to be alright with it, although I'm still perturbed they believe I'm going to Hell.

At any rate, things are going alright. I've made a few male friends, met one or two females. I guess I'll meet more as time passes. Or not. Que sera, sera?

Ugh, that reminds me that I'm taking Spanish. Ugh, indeed!

Don't you hate it when you think of good things to write about but you're either too tired/distracted/inebriated to write about them? Then, when you have a chance, the topic just doesn't seem worth discussing. So you end up posting a silly little "summary of le dia" and that's aboot it. Probably not.

Well, things are going alright. Not great, but alright. I'm still pushing myself to get away from the computer whenever the oppurtunity arrises, much to the annoyance of my online associates. It's probably a good policy though. I mean, I don't want to be known as that guy who sits in his dorm room all day doing nothing but computer games. I mean, that guy and the ladies would never get along. There's only room for one italicized phrase in that sort of relationship!

Speaking of ladies, I'm in strong "I don't care" mode. It's akin to sour grapes, but with a more fatalistic tone combined with a dash of contentment. Essentially, I'm damned if I don't and damned if I do (Get it? It's original sin! Unlike puns, which are just downright painful). So, when faced with two paths leading to eternal suffering and fiery hells (see: loneliness and gonorrhea. On second though, you probably don't want to see those. Although that is probably the cleanest page about gonorrhea you're going to find on the web.) you take it as it comes. Thus, my current state is neither worrisome or binding. Unlike S&M which consists of varying amounts of both. Not that I'd know. Or anything.

But I've got a paper to write. So... take care.

Good News!

Well, I've started a semi-campaign of "Every chance I get to leave the dorm, I do." So if I jump away from you abruptly online, it's not because I'm afraid you've got the tuberculosis. It's because I'm forcing myself out of this silly hole. So just keep that in mind.

Anyway, I met some more interesting people last night in the common room and one of them, another Chris, loaned me a Dylan Thomas book. I figure I'd better learn about my namesakes somehow, and I've already checked out 3 or 4 Bob Dylan CDs.

That's about all for now. Believe it or not, my room here is actually colder than my house. Or maybe I'm the cold one, and it follows me. I am sort of wraith-ish... Take care!

And I'm Off!

Well, the move-in is just aboot complete. I've got almost everything I need in my dorm room. The process itself was a tad stressful, but it really went pretty well. My room mate, Chris, seems like a pretty good guy. He's a fan of the Daily Show, how bad can he be? He has a New York accent, which is nice for diversity, and just like me his parents annoy him terribly. They're nice folks though, I think I made out pretty well.

I am a bit concerned about meeting people though. I don't really have any new friends, although I've met a few people. It's sort of hard to keep in touch, because it's so awkward going into someone else's room and just staying there. There really isn't a good way to get out and make friends. I guess I've sort of adjusted into an almost sour grapes mentality of "Friends are overrated, don't worry about it", but it worries me that I might be missing out on a good oppurtunity. I guess either way I sorta win, eh?

You know the type of people that just seem out of touch with reality, real wooden and impassive? I'm afraid I might be like that. Timid, scared, on my guard. Then I probably try too hard, go overboard, then worry I'm scaring people away so I sort of abandon them. I can't win, ya know? Maybe if I get some AIM screennames... Oy. Ah well. It's the first few days, I can't judge the entire collegiac experience on such a tiny sample. I mean, I haven't even gotten drunk off my rocker yet. Thank goodness there's still time!

Exercises in Appropriateness 1

So, like, today i like watched these fantastic episodes of six feet under. That series is, like, so deep, ya know? It's like... whoa. People die all the time. I mean, whoa. That's some messed up shit.

Our toilet is clogged. It's driving me crazy. Well it's not exactly clogged, it's like broken. Now i can't go to the bathroom. Life is a bitch.

I had a bit of a romantic crisis (as opposed to an existential one) earlier, but it may be nearing its completion. I may even have a resolution. One of the reasons I got over it was another entry of Fiction. You know, venting. Or whatever.

In other news, this coming week I need to start making "cool" entries to make all the people I meet in college who read my blog think I'm superficial and shallow! So... just warning you. I may get crazy!

Harry, Harry, quite contrary

No, silly, I don't mean our 33rd president. I am, of course, referring to young master Harry Potter. I just finished reading Harry IV, which was preceded by Harry V, so I figured now would be a good time to give a quasi-review. Suffice it to say there will be spoilers, although I read both books knowing who died in each beforehand, and I still enjoyed them.

I started reading Harry Potter around the time the third book came out. I can't remember why, but I know I was hooked at the time. I eagerly awaited the arrival of the Fourth book (bought in an airport by someone, I think), and I read it as rapidly as I could. Then, as the mania swept the country, and I read better, more adult material, I sort of let the series drift away. Finally, around the time the sixth book came out, I decided I'd better read them both just to keep up with the times.

I must say, I was impressed. I didn't really expect the books to be bad, but I certainly didn't expect them to be as gripping. After having written a fair bit of creative writing myself, I think I've obtained a better understanding of how novels work. So, when reading, I tried to keep my eye out for aspects I enjoyed and aspects I didn't so I could make use of them in my own writing endeavors.

JK Rowling has a formula that just works. The world she creates is well within our spectrum of suspended belief, intricate enough to keep us enraptured, but explained succintly, but sufficiently to the point where we aren't confused or overloaded. Of course, there are gaping holes in the premise that a wizarding community exists within modern day society. I mean, I know it's fiction, but it seems proposterous that the wizards not only don't understand "Muggles", but also make no use of any of their modern technology except toilets, trains, and flying cars. Even still, this isn't really annoying to the point that it seems just a technicality.

The world isn't the only thing that makes the books compelling. The pattern the books follow is regular and familiar, but it allows for complications and differences each year that don't lend themselves to monotony. School itself is something everyone can relate to, especially children, the target audience. And then, of course, there's the "epic struggle of good versus evil" that always manages to ensnare me, at least.

The books become increasingly dark as the series progresses, but not dark in the same sense of most of the literature you read in high school. He always had Ron and Hermione to count upon, and Dumbledore, who was practically omniscent and omnipotent. Killing Dumbledore was great for two reasons: Dumbledore knew entirely too much, to the point where the danger never seemed very real, and it was a great tool to use for Harry's continued development (which is done remarkably well). Dumbledore's death, above all others, was the point where Harry matured closer to a real adult. He alone was responsible for his life and future. He couldn't rely on adults to lead him now.

Of course, Harry had to overcome a lot of obstacles throughout the series without help. But it seemed like he could always go to Dumbledore, who could explain most of it away. Dumbledore just knew too much, he sort of spoiled the effect.

You can also tell that it's a children's book, not an adult's book, just because so few people die. It's almost infuriating how practically everyone survives, on both sides. They're in a war, they're wizards, and yet they still can't manage or won't kill each other. I guess I've no taste for magic duels that consist of "Harry hurls a spell, an adult wizard with years more experience gets caught, Harry runs a bit, Harry hurls a spell, Snape counters, Harry hurls a spell, Snape counters, Harry hurls a spell, ad nauseam." And even when someone's hit, they hardly ever die. But they're kids' books, so I don't honestly expect more. For kids, they're great. I'll still take George RR Martin over Harry Potter anyday.

But, for what they are, the Harry Potter series really does deserve all the attention it's getting. They're great books. I hope they encourages many young minds to read more, like Redwall did for me (Redwall, by the way, killed off quite a few characters and still managed to be appropriate for 10 year olds). I probably won't be standing in line for the next book, but I'll read it pretty soon after it's out. It's good escapist literature with a well done "coming of age" theme. Not as intellectually stimulating as 1984, but a good way to kill a few hours.

(Perhaps more later, we'll see. Toodle loo!)

Why do I keep doing this?

I was reading more David DeAngelo (the dating guru for getting hot chicks or whatever), and I once again encountered the "cocky and funny" suggestion. Basically, the idea is that you act confident, arrogant, and "on top." However, you've got a humorous slant to your jibes, so you're perceived as witty and "a challenge" instead of just a jerk. It's crazy, that this man suggests that if you make fun of a woman in a slightly comical way, she'll be more attracted to you. And yet, the scariest part is, it probably works.

Go figure, eh?

Just when I thought there was no hope...

I find this little gem! Ah, sometimes the daily comics surprise you.

A Legend is Born

I took one of those stupid online quizzes, and I expected junk. Thus, I wrote random, stupid things (My city in Europe was Detroit). But! I did find this truly spectacular gem:

Your punk rock band name is The Confused Toaster Oven.

Let hilarity ensue!

In other news, I'm planning on going to Macbeth tomorrow. Anyone want me to pick them up/bring an extra lawn chair?

So?

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", and I must say it was fantastic. I really urge everyone to see it. Unless you're on the verge of a breakup, and even then I'd strongly encourage it!

It really was thought-provoking. It's the whole "live for the moment" mentality that one would think I could try and follow sometime. We focus so often on the present, the negative, but we forget the happiness we've had and could very well have again. And if that happiness is short lived, we'll cherish it and find more. Just because we're all destined to die doesn't mean we should live as though we can find a way to live forever. Meaning, just because a relationship may fail, enjoy it while it lasts and, if it falls apart, cry a bit, get angry a moment, and then remember the good over the bad. There is no such thing as the "right guy or girl." You can't always look for better when you can love what you have.

And by "you", I mean "me." Or "I". Stupid grammar.

The Dogs of Market Square

Anyone interested in seeing Macbeth?

I'd be willing to pick anyone up and take anyone home who wanted to. I'd like to go Thursday night, but if anyone wants to go Saturday I'd be glad to wait.

In Ages Past

I sort of neglected to update my adventures in Virginia, but there are a few memories I'd rather like to record that I thought of today.

While I was there, my aunt or uncle (I don't know which) told me one of the more tragic stories I'd heard. Apparently, a teenage girl had been killed in a car accident close to the place where one turned from the main road to my relative's neighborhood. What's worse is that a year later, her brother was killed in another car accident not a mile away from where his sister had died. I can't imagine how terrible it was for their parents. To have one child killed is bad enough. But then, after a year of grieving, when small steps are made towards adjustment and you try, desperately, to cling to the future, once again tragedy strikes, leaving you with next to nothing.

Such repeated devastation seems unfathomable to me. Admittedly, my views on death are quite fatalistic, but I can still try to empathize. I know there have been worse stories, but still...

I try to think of how I'd react, with my unorthodox views on death. I try to think how I'd feel if my mother or father or sister died. How I'd feel if one of my friends died. And each time, I just don't see me getting too upset. It scares me. I fear I'm too detached from my emotions, so intent on controlling them and maintaining a level of apathy putting me above emotional pain that I can't really love anyone. It's all lipservice.

Honestly, I think me wrecking my car 1.5 years ago was more tramatic and painful than my own mother's death would be today. Why? Because the car wreck was my fault. Not only do I seek detachment, but I've come to the point where the only person who can cause me emotional distress is myself. At least, that's who I blame. I don't hold a grudge or point a finger at anyone else for my state of mind except myself.

It's very confusing. Surely I can't just be a self-centered individualist with an affection for altruism. I mean, I love to make people laugh. But is that truly because I like the joy of others, or am I seeking to fight my own insecurity and prove myself to have some worth in the eyes of others? I want to help people, I want to be there for them and aid them in their endeavors if I'm able and agree that I really am needed. But isn't that just another ploy to make my life seem somehow worthwhile?

I'm so afraid of overstepping my boundaries. It's a primary reason I try and limit my physical contact, because I'm worried I'll be considered forward or make someone (observer or "victim") uncomfortable. But this isn't a concern for the other person so much as an issue of convenience for me. I don't have to risk confrontation.

Then again, this is quintessential cynicism. I could just as easily apply this line of thought to most other people. However, I do often wonder if I really "love" as others "love." One of the cons of being forced into one perspective, I suppose. A quandry I'll never be able to solve. Ah well.

Next Virginia entry: My Voyages to Church

Back for the Long Haul

Well, I'm back. And this time, I'm here to stay. In Knoxville, that is. Wednesday will be the official "three weeks til class starts" day. I'm still quintessentially ambivalent about the entire affair. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house, meeting new people, and taking challenging classes that will lead me further into my chosen career path. However, I'm also terrified of getting out of the house, meeting new people, and taking challenging classes that will lead me further into my chosen career path. You can see my problem.

Leaving home is a new level of freedom, and I won't have to feel like I'm going to be accosted at any moment to do something. Not that I am now, which makes it all the more peculiar that I feel this way. But, despite this counter-intuitive anxiety, this is still my "comfort zone." I'm safe, secure, and not threatened (for the most part) in my cold little corner. And when I leave I'll perpetually reside right in the middle of the action. Oy.

Then there's meeting new people. That's always a roll of the dice, now isn't it? I suppose I'm fairly amiable to everyone, and there's a moderate number with whom I can get along quite well. I really shouldn't be scared. I just have to act nice and not feel inferior.

And then, of course, I'm worried about my classes. Grades are pretty integral now that they're worth $12,300 a year. I also sort of look forward to them. At least, the ones other than Spanish. And Math. But the others look good!

Anyway, I meant to write more, but I got distracted. More... eventually!