I'd like to take this time to acknowledge a grave wrong I have committed and hopefully my apology can render remove some of the intense guilt and night-terrors I've received as a result of this grievous wrong.

In the past, I have frequently slandered the name of Gustav Mahler. I have balked at the idea of listening to his music, telling everyone how horrendous it is and that it should best be avoided by good, honest, pure-hearted people.

Well, dear readers, I was wrong. I'm not proud of my comments, but I feel it is my duty to make amends. I have listened to a number of Mahler's symphonies (5 to this point, I believe), and I must say they are quite enjoyable. Not Dvorak, or even Ralph Vaughn Williams enjoyable, but still quality pieces of music.

Hence, I retract my previous comments about Mahler and encourage all of you to at least take him into consideration. Thank you for your time.

Friends, and non-Quakers amongt you, today I must make a confession. It is something I have held back, been ashamed of, tried to keep in the hidden confines of the deepest darkest recesses of my mind, but I can no more remain silent. It must come out.

I, Dylan Fort Meggs, am an English major.

I know. I, too, have denied it. This very day, the thought practically drove me into a seething rage. But fear not, my faithful companions. I am an educator first, an english major second. I am not some lukewarm, "I like English, but not unemployment" type of fellow! That is simply not how I roll.

I want to teach. I crave it. It is my fiercest desire, to interact in a fun, but intellectual environment in which I alone am the master, like some supreme, omniscient terrorist with my Stockholm-riddled hostages clamoring for me to receive grotesque pay increases. Mmmm, tastes like brainwash!

So anyway, I decided I can beat all those other schmoes out of the good teaching jobs by being energetic, learned, and, perhaps, just a little bit sexy. I need to pad my resume, but I refuse to do things for padding alone. I mean, I may not be well endowed, but boobs aren't everything! Er... I mean credentials. Wait... ANYWAY, I want to definitely start a branch of the Card-board Club here at UT, maybe volunteer more, and apply for a position on the Issues Committee. That should help a bit. And then, of course, I'll charm them at the interview. I might not even have to take off my pants! (For better or worse : /).

So, suffice it to say, my self-esteem/confidence/energy/blood pressure spiked today. Perhaps it'll plummet back into an abysmal depression, I don't know. But for now, I'm going to enjoy it! Enjoy it... like a fox! Or a ferret. Or some sort of weasel-esque creature, sans social stigma.

So... hooray!

You Can Call Me Al

Which one, though, I'm not sure.

Paul Simon's Al has a romantic flair, but he's a copout. He's like James Bond before you get the results back from the clinic. He's your "long lost pal." But maybe he's lost for a reason? Or maybe I do need to find him again. I mean, I do need a photo-oppurtunity and to stop wondering where my wife and family are. I need to get up and find them! Then again, I hate calling anyone anything because I hate phones.

Then there's J. Alfred Prufrock. T.S. Eltiot (!) 's homeboy. Frankly, the man's a bore. I feel sorry for him. And then, I realize the parallels and feel a tad sorry for myself. And then I have a good cry, listen to NYSNC, and call up my best girlfriend to talk about boys for an hour. Then the sinking realization of my actions attacks me like a waffle iron attacks postmen, and I regret I sold my gun for a kitten and a dream. Unfortunately, the dream involved eating small, cute, fuzzy marshmallows, so the kitten didn't last long. Suffice it to say, I am neither Hamlet, Prufrock, or Richard Simmons, and I'm incredibly thankful for that.

Finally, there's Al Sharpton. Al came to speak tonight and was absolutely incredible. Sometimes he didn't make much sense, but he was a great speaker. I loved part of his speech that basically equated to "Al Sharpton: Fighting For Your Right To Go To Hell." It, like most things, made me want to get started teaching. After seeing Maya Angelou and Mr. Sharpton, I think I've got enough evidence to counter any black kid who says "I can't succeed." Both Angelou and Sharpton were inspiring, well spoken, and intelligent. And they *gasp* communicated well! Why, it's almost as if communication skills are important! I think I've found a teaching tool ;). But anyway, Al wanted to stand for something. What do I stand for? I'm not brave enough to directly achieve social change. I can't even ask a girl out. BUT I'll do my part through years of service corr...educating the youth of the future. That ought to be enough.

So which Al am I? I don't really know. I want to be an individual. Dylan Meggs, a character who makes an impression upon you. I don't think I'm there yet. I use words in fairly witty ways, but I'm not defined. That might take a few years. I've got time to develop. Hopefully I can have fun doing it.

Oh, by the way, this morning my Physics teacher started getting angry at buoyancy. It wasn't an experiment or anything. It was as if the concept infuriated him. What did buoyancy do to him? I guess he is German, and therefore naturally prone to anger. But I still wonder what the therapy session would go like....

Prof. Spanier: And zen zee ice... zee ice floated upon zee water! And I... I ...
Therapist: It's ok, Stefan, take your time.
Prof. Spanier: But it ez how zeze thingz vurk! I cannot fight zee physics!
Therapist: We'll fight it Stefan. We'll fight it. Together.
Prof. Spanier: NOW IS ZEE TIME IN PHYZICS 101 VEN VE DANCE!!!


(I sure hope some of you caught that reference. Anyway, no new list items. Better luck tomorrow, eh?)

What Have We Learned?

New post over at Fiction. It's been awhile, but it was a fun little exercise. I hope you like it. (Post comments on this site if you don't mind. I would like to know your thoughts though. I mean know them. Yes, all of them. Well, maybe not... ok, that was just uncalled for. Why the hell would you even stick a rabbit in you-? You know what, I changed my mind. I don't want to know. About the rabbit anyway. That poor, poor little... Anyway, let me know what you think about the piece. Which is ironic, for a piece about not thinking, but hey, it's what I do. For better or worse.)

I need to start dramatizing my days. I'm tired of analysis, I'm thinking it's time to be creative again. I'm almost tempted to start my villain novel, but it's just not time. The longer I hold off, the more defined the message and story I want to convey will be. Perhaps I'll do a few more character sketches, I dunno. And this is just a passing whim, because I'm inspired.

I know what I need. I need a mantra, to remind me of lessons I've learned. So I'm going to start a list and eventually compile it into something like a daily mantra. I know, I know, I've had this very idea before. But I keep finding times when I think "I would have been better off if I'd just remembered what I've already learned." So I'll try to follow through this time. Hence, off the top of my head...

1. Be Happy. Happiness is its own reward, to you and the rest of the world. You may have to repeat this life again, if the circle holds true, so make it the best you can. You'll thank yourself later. Or you won't. But...um... you know what you mean.

2. Make Happy. Try to make others happy. You'd like them to do the same, right? So start a trend!

3. Be Positive. Even if you're wrong, no one can fault you of having a positive attitude. You can still be realistic and positive.

4. Don't Judge. If someone's not bothering you and they're happy with themselves, just be glad they're happy.

5. Don't Feel Insecure. Every person plays a role. Just because you didn't make someone laugh doesn't mean you're a failure. Just because your stomach is soft instead of hard you're not repulsive. Just because others are better than you at everything you do does not mean you are worth less than they are.

6. Improve Yourself. There's always room for self-improvement. Always.

7. Be Happy for Others. Don't feel threatened by the success of others. Be happy for them, enjoy their work.

8. Don't Worry So Much About The Future. The future is always tomorrow, never today. If you worry about something that never gets here, you'll worry forever.

9. Don't Be Afraid of Other People. Most people are at least somewhat nice, and if they're not they probably should be. Ask for their help, interact with them, be nice to them. Avoiding them doesn't help anyone.

10. Don't Stop Trying. Don't fall into complacecency. Keep things new, keep things interesting. Keep things challenging. It's the only way to keep things alive.

Hopeless no more!

I found this strangely poetic, beautiful, funny, and a wee bit disturbing. It's amazing the things humanity can think up.

Makes Sense to Me

I thought that this was a pretty interesting, and in my mind accurate, take on the different types of "love."

Also, I found this article on Limerence that seemed to be a pretty accurate summation of that tortuous feeling that's been making its rounds recently.

Thoughts?

My Mother's Great, Great, Great, Great... Great Grandfather

Summary

I think I've explored this topic to an acceptable degree. Laura made some good points last night about the validity of the logic, but stressed that logic wasn't everything. And that's where we disagree. I think one should act logically. That's the ideal. This doesn't mean you can't love someone, you don't have to be a robot. You just have to be able to defend your actions to an acceptable degree. So, when it comes to morality, I want morals logical.

Of course, I'll admit this is all theory. I think that I, personally, could handle because I value logic more than I value my individual desires. The one thing that keeps me going is obtaining a job teaching English in a school that lets me do what I want to do. Diversify education, focusing on enjoyment, personal exploration, and actually learning things of value (ie, writing, critical thinking, and debating civily). Everything else is just bonus points.

I doubt I'll ever get a chance to try the whole "polyamory" thing. I doubt that I'll even need it, although I still believe it could heighten life if done correctly. I just don't think most people in this generation could handle it. I'm not thoroughly convinced I could, although I've got a better shot than most. But you can be sure that if I have a kid, I'm going to teach him/her that other people's happiness is just as (but not more) important as their own. That love is not one thing between a man and a woman, but a bond between a person and humanity. Or select members. An exclusive orgy, if you will.

Which you won't. But they might. Oh jeez, I've already given "the talk," and I don't even want kids yet. Oy vey.

Funny... Once you get it:

A Place Where Everyone Knows Your Name

I don't want to lose the friends I've made. Kathryn van Eenam was telling me about her "Death List." No, I don't mean opponents of Roger Federer (her one true love and messiah)... (he's a famous tennis player). It's a list of people she'd like to know if they die. Kind of a weird idea, but the idea is rather endearing. Persisting friendships, despite a lack of correspondence.

I'm worried that, as I grow older, I'll lose my friends and end up more or less "alone." Friends are nice because they're people you enjoy, who you know you enjoy. Unlike coworkers, they're sort of "sure things." I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the people who cheer me up, even if they don't even realize they're doing it. Who make me feel like I have people out there who care, people who know me.

I've sort of surprised myself in how well I've been able to keep up with the people I knew from high school (the ones I associated with the most). For instance, I still talk to David Duncan, David Sugue, Ellen, and Cory on a pretty regular basis, in one form or another. And I like that. I mean, I've made new friends. But I don't want to sacrifice the old ones at their expenses. I know things change and people become distant. But I don't want to completely lose hold of people from my past. Instant messenging is a great asset in this department, and fortunately although much of my time is taken now, I've been able to maintain plenty of old and new relationships.

Will it continue? I don't know. I hope so. We'll see. It'd be kind of nice, though, to look back 4, 10, 20 years in the future and be able to say "You know what? I still keep in touch with people I knew from high school. More than a bi-monthly pity party, but actually keep up with them and even, heaven forbid, real life association with them."

I know most of you will fade. That's just how things happen. I just don't want it all to go. I don't want to be alone. I mean, even if I do find a wife/significant other, I still want friends to partay/loaf around with. Are the two mutually exclusive? Maybe. I hope not. So much speculation...

Just remember. Gone, but not forgotten. Not forgotten for many, many, many years...

Premonitions of Perturbitude

Drunk people drive me crazy. For instance, my father drunk just talks on and on and on, so you stand there and nod your head for 20 minutes as he tells you "writing and teaching are the most important professions a man can have" or noble or honorable or something, presumably to justify my less than fantastic career choice/college. He'll vicariously through me one way or the other, I suppose. Maybe that's overly cynical, but it's not too farfetched either.

At any rate, that's preferable to trying to leave, then he just gets angry and things rapidly go downhill. So, tonight, I wonder whether my roommate is getting intimate with some J-E-L-L-O (It's Underage!) shots. So here's my question:

Is the drinking worse after a win or after a loss?

Thoughts?

My answer to this. Reciprocity's a lovely thing...

In the beginning God created Man. And then he thought Man needed a companion, so he created Woman. But Man liked to sleep a lot and woman wanted to go out and shop or something, so God created the clitoris. Woman promptly forgot about it and kept complaining. So God created marriage so man would have to at least pretend to listen to woman until she finally shut her trap. Woman, however, never did stop talking, so God invented senility and woman finally started making sense. Then God got annoyed and created prostrate and breast cancer to kill them both off ironically. The End.

Clarifications

On women:

My pursuit of a wife might strike you as a bit of objectification, but I'd like to argue that it's quite the contrary. The reason I worry about it so is that I realize when one gets older, the amount of time spent outside of work with other adults rapidly diminishes. Your interactions are mainly limited to coworkers without children and whomever you happen to meet at some shady bar every Friday night while you're crying yourself to peanuts, getting drunk on sleep. Or... yeah. I'd like to at least have someone with me whose company I really enjoy, who'll make every day that much more interesting so my time not at work doesn't rapidly dissolve into existential anguish. I'm not saying it necessarily will, but I know myself, and I know I do better when I'm not alone. Having a partner-in-crime who matches my sense of humor, imagination, nonjudgmental ethics, and oh so sexyness would be truly wonderful.

On Math:

Some of you might be a tad confused as to why I dropped Mathematics. It's really not too terribly surprising, but then you've not been in my head for...um... ever, so you might be a bit taken aback. You see, the reason I like Math is that it makes sense. Math is objective, you're either right or wrong. Not only that, but Math is generally simple in its objectivity. You have to know a few methods and formulas, but you don't have to worry about all sorts of tricks and exceptions like you might in science and language. You also don't have to know a lot, like you would in history. It's comforting, something you can always rely on. There's a sense of safety and surety when you perform a math problem and you fully understand every aspect of it to the point you're certain it is 100% correct. Math would be easy to teach, too. The curriculum is always the same, it's laid out for you, you just have to spit it back at the kids and spit in creative ways until it gets in their heads. Er... did I just use making out as a metaphor for teaching Math? You bet I did! See, it's even sexy!

However, Math just isn't that useful. Everyone has to write/communicate, no matter what they do. Realistically, though, Math just isn't needed for most people. Mr. Petko is infamous for his "Math is urrywer," and he's partially right. But, for instance, physics literally is everywhere, yet most people couldn't tell you why a ramp makes it easier to move something. Math is in a lot of places, but most people really don't need to know much past Algebra. For certain professions, sure, but for most people?

English, done right, is an amalgamation of writing/reading/philsophy/ethics/creative impetus. You've got lots of wiggle room and can justify doing just about anything in the name of education. It's just more... comprehensive. More likely to bring fulfilment.

Anyway, that's all that comes to mind at the moment. If you want a better explanation IM/email me and I'll be glad to comply.

How bout them... Rebels?

I went back to West Friday night for their Homecoming game. Kinda interesting how things can change from one year to the next. Gone were the cheerleaders semi-interesting signs about beating the other team. Instead, we get solid advertisements. The band even had to go back to play part of the third quarter instead of just being dismissed after halftime. But plenty stayed the same.

I tried to catch up with as many people as offered themselves, but I think I was a tad deficient in that particular regard. At any rate, it was nice to hear that the Cardboard Club is continuing, even if it is just a small, pitiful little thing. It was nice to see Bonnie and Meredith and Laura (who looked great in her homecoming regalia, along with 80s reject Ian), although I didn't talk to them too much. I guess they know where to find me already ;). I talked quite a bit to Katheryn, and it made me miss all the carefree days of band shenanigans that seem too long ago. Another instance of the "don't know what you miss until you remember what you had." It was nice, though, to talk to everyone. Of course Cory was there too, but Cory hardly ever talks to anyone other than me anyway.

Oh, I've also pretty much decided to drop my Math major. Numerous reasons, including the new revelation by Mrs. Jackson that if you're certified to teach Math, they'll never let you teach anything else because math teachers are so needed. I certainly don't want to only teach Math, but I could stand only teaching English, so that's the route I'm looking at. Of course, the "English major only" thing is scary in terms of employment, so if I can I'd like to double major in something else. At the moment Sociology looks like a good candidate. It appears they're doing preliminaries for AP Sociology, which should be ready around the time I graduate with my masters (ideally). That means there would be a demand for someone to teach the class, but also a demand for someone certified to teach other courses as well. Ideally, of course. It's exciting just thinking about it.

Oh, by the way, I shouldn't worry since my roommate's only had four shots. He's fine. Really.

*would cry self to sleep, but couldn't due to all the yelling*