Well, as an effort to make this thing a tad more entertaining, I'd like to start doing something on a weekly basis in addition to my riddles. So to start it off, I'll have a "IM quote o' the week."

IndubitablyDyl: I should do so many things
Derek: but then where would all the time you had planned not to do anything go?
Derek: you can't just break commitments like that

If I had a "should" for every "did", I'd be completely in control of the world by now. We're talking, to every minute detail. Well, except for my co-dictator. (You have to have a backup you know; flaming gerbil ninjas of Chaos are a real problem when you've taken over whole civilizations).

Speaking of co-dictators, one thing we did accomplish today at the Math Competition (other than me failing to do any superior feats of mathness, getting separated from everyone else (as is my custom, unfortunately), and resorting to doing Math Homework while not in school) was the brainstorming for a new number system/language. Some of you may not know it, but our 10-base number system isn't the only one available. Binary, a 1-base, only uses 0's and 1's to create a language. I.E., 101101101 is 365. So at the Math competition, we came up for the idea of a subliminal, world domanationish system. For instance, 1, 2, 3, Deanna (just cause it's Deanna), 4,5, OBEY, 6, 7, DYLAN, 9, 10, YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, 12, 13, 14, THERE IS A MAN WITH A GUN RIGHT BEHIND YOU, DO EXACTLY AS HE SAYS AND NOTHING WILL GO WRONG, 16, 17, 18, 19, POISON BEBE GUN PELLETS, 20, 21... etc. Pretty inconspicuous, eh? Oh the ideas spawned in rambling, semi-nonsensical conversations....

Have you ever listened to a conversation that seemed completely over your head? I mean, we're talking about another plane of comprehension that you can't hope to understand? It just gives you a feeling of insignificance, that you will never achieve such a higher level of understanding

Then you remember that you're the one with the undead radioactive mongeese of DOOM, thus you're fine just the way you are. If you don't have anysort of army of amazingly enhanced creatures, by all means make one. It's rather an interesting activity...

That brings up another interesting subject. An interesting form of conversation is a pure nonsensical discussion. Both parties converse in a perfectly serious manner, but you're actually talking about things that make no sense, never will make sense, and could not possibly happen. You simply have a normal discussion about pure nonsense in the form of great ideas, made up events, or even, dare I say it, world domination plans (the latter probably being the best). No one says anything about it being pure nonsense, for it must treated as feasible. There's sort of a mutual bond, a link of mutual understanding unique to the participants. Try it (especially in the prescense of people incapable of such a discussion, confusing them to bits!).

(By the way, I realize my comments section is often on the fritz; my suggestion is to save what you write beforehand, especially if it's long, try it two or three times, then come back 5minutes later and retry. It'll eventually end up working. If the comments line isn't even there, just come back later. The blogspot site,for the actual log, and Blogspeak site, for the comments, are two independent functions, so one can be down without the other. Over and Far, Far Out.)

I have just about decided that the practice of English/poetical analysis is a scam and fundamentally flawed. For those unaware, this involves interpretting regular, mundane activities and objects into complex, dramatic views of Nature, man, and the purpose of existence.

While I've felt this feeling more or less for quite some time, it was never more apparent that today in Accounting. I reached into my pocket, out of boredom, and found a tootsie roll (no not from three weeks ago; I put it in there this morning so I'd have a sugar rush to be able to pay attention in Chemistry today after lunch). The tootsie roll had become a tad mushy and soft from being in there for a few hours. After thinking on it for 30seconds, I went over to my man David Lane and explained to him that the tootsie roll represented man. The wrapper of the tootsie roll represented society's constrain-ment of man. It smothered him and made him seem like something he is not, making him conform to society's view of what is right. If not freed soon, he would surely be destroyed eventually from the pressure and falsity of his predicament (aka it'd melt in my pocket).

Conversely, once freed of society's protective shell (wrapper), man (tootsie roll) is free to truely show himself and live to his full potential. However, with the shell gone, it was only a brief matter of time until he was gobbled up by the society that could see him for what he was, and either destroys him from admiration or abhorrence. Thus man's relationship to society was revealed.

There you have it. I just used a tootsie roll to demonstrate all of that. Now if that doesn't tell you that symbolism is just an abirtrary, highly opinionated hoax, then you have more faith in humanity than I. Until next time...

Have you ever had one of those weekends where, despite your best intentions, you can't see to get anything remotely productive accomplished? This weekend, I had so many great plans towards getting rooms cleaned, homework done, evidence destroyed, bodies buried, you know, the usual. But I never could get motivated.

Of course, that's the cover I give to the world. Here's what really happened:
So I was in my room, thinking "Gee, I really ought to clean this place up", when all of a sudden, my window is shattered and a burning gerbil is tossed in. The gerbil, obviously with a short time to live, explains in high, squeaky Gerbilease (which I had just happened to learn last weekend out of boredom) that the world was in grave peril. If I did not find the Unholy Wristwatch of Never-ending Annoyance, the world would cease to turn, thus creating a temporal disturbance, ultimately destroying all known life (and some death as well). So I set off on my quest. Little did I know that I was being followed. As I crossed the Atlantic, I was set upon by three ninjas armed with really, really big thumbnails. As they rushed towards me, I noticed that the in-flight movie was about to start. So, being the resourceful chap that I am not, I quickly bought a pair of headphones and staired intently at the screen.

Now, for those who are unaware, it is very bad etiquette to disturb someone watching an inflight movie. I mean, they've spent $10 for some crummy headphones for a dumb, censored movie, so they should be able to watch in peace. Unfortunately, the movie happened to be "101 Ways to Watch Paint Dry: A Documentary." I knew my life was on the line, so I sat through all four agonizing hours. Torture most foul indeed, but I survived and evaded the ninjas after arriving in my former capital, Luxembourg (another, longer story).

I immediately ventured into the slums, which in Luxembourg are the equivalent to your average cardboard box with a bay window and complete home entertainment system. In other words, pretty nice. I then found one of my many informants "Jehn "the Lawn" Maher." Jehn told me to "Go forth and Prosper." I punched him in the face. Then he told me to:
"Travel far, travel near, just please don't come back here!
What you seek cannot be found on this earth or any ground!
Venture to that place on high, Deep below the cloudly sky,
Filled with birds and twigs and such, koalas, lampreys nothing much.
There you'll find your watch and complete your quest, you'll have saved the earth and passed the test.
But heed my warning, heed it well, Avoid the river straight to Hell;
It only leads to fatty foods and Really Grumpy Attitudes!"
He then proceeded humming "Turkey in the Straw", whereupon I punched him once again and set out.

Now, as much as I valued my now toothless informant, I knew he told nothing but lies, half-truths, and trivial information that only impressed tourists. Therefore, logically, the Unholy Wristwatch of Never-ending Annoyance must be found under a rock deep in the belly of a nearby skunk ape way back in K-Town. I then used my magical "Teleportation Device of Plot-Holes" to find the ape, kill it using my handy-dandy "Spear o' Mint", grab the watch and set the time-space continuum back in order.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the long and short of why I accomplished next to nothing productive this weekend. Thank you.

Some of you may still be wondering "But Dylan, you're such a lazy, good for nothing, procrastinating bum; what's with the sudden burst of enthusiasm in writing, long, incoherent, babbling posts about nothing in particular?" Well, you anonymous voice you, let me try to explain a bit. It's widely known I'm a huge procrastinator. So, by writing in this silly thing, I'm wasting even more time in the guise of productivity, a win win. Also, I mentioned sharp and pointy objects aimed at vital organs. Well, that's not even the half of it. You see, although some people seem like nice, kind, caring people, they can be quite evil when they so desire. However, they have to be sneaky about it, so as to not give away their ruse. One such instance is Martha, the reigning champion and master riddle solver extraordinare. She's been one of the people hounding me about making more, but she tries to do it without seeming evil. Our conversations almost took on a second conversation... And here, for your reading enjoyment, is a dramatic reinactment of one such conversation (on AIM):

Martha: Hey! (Translation: You know what I'm here for.)
Me: Hello. (Translation: I don't have the foggiest idea!)
Martha: How are you? (Translation: Where's my freakin riddle!? Don't make me break out the baseball bat!)
Me: I'm alright, yourself? (Translation: Umm...Uh... Well, funny story that. I've been meaning to write a riddle, I've just...uh... been busy.)
Martha: That's good; I'm doing fine myself. (Trans: Likely story! I know where you live, and if you want to stay "alright" I suggest you make a riddle, kapish?)
Me: So, what's new? (Trans: You wouldn't dare! I'll get around to a riddle when it suits me!)
Martha: Oh not much; hey are you planning on making any riddles soon? (Trans: Oh, Wouldn't I!?! I want a riddle, I want it now! I'd hate for anything drastic to happen, like say, someone just "happening" to throw a big, explosive brick at your computer...)
Me: I've been meaning too, I'll do it soon. (Trans: Not my computer! You monster! Fine, I'll make you your accursed riddle, but leave my computer out of this!)
Martha: Well let me know when you've got it done! (Trans: That's right, just make the rhyme and no one gets hurt...)
Me: I certainly will! Bleh, look at the time, I've got kittens to save and homework to do! (Trans: *mumbles* I'll get to work right away! Just put down the tazer and everything will be fine!)
Martha: Alright, talk to you later! (Trans: Alright, bub, but I'm watching you! If you even think you can lie to me, you're in for a big surprise, and this kind doesn't involve The Publisher's Clearing House and thousands upon thousands of shiny metal butterflies, if you catch my drift!)
Me: Cya! (Trans: Yes, have no fear, I'm working right now, honest! I'll have it by next weekend! I'd best get to work *runs fleeing into the hills*)

Well, there you have it. Could you feel the cold, evil venom? And to think, that was the censored version! Well, back to the grindstone. I've got a deadline to make!

Do you ever feel so lazy that you just don't want to do anything at all? I mean, we're talking about "well, breathing is fun and all, but it just takes too much effort!" Well, maybe not that bad. But sometimes you just start watching TV and even though there is absolutely nothing worth watching on (Meaning you actually consider watching Fox News for more than a morbid laugh), and you don't want to do anything at all.

Anyway, I'm sitting in bed last night watching some stupid Comedy Central Show at 1AM(meaning any show that is not a SNL rerun, an episode of South Park that had good, quality satire, or ,of course, the Daily Show), and I start thinking "Gee, I need to go to sleep. But to do that, I need to get up and brush my teeth, which takes entirely too much effort. But I can't go to sleep without brushing my teeth. So, the only alternative, is to keep watching the TV until my eyes fall out, hatch open like eggs, and whatever corrupted spawn of evil that can be found within them comes alive, jumps out the window, robs three convenience stores, and hitchs a ride to North Dakota, where they aren't heard from again until 150 years later when it's discovered their secret Utopian society was destroyed by a rogue squirrel who somehow caught a rare strain of the West Nile virus." *Deep Breath*

Anyway, that is just an example of the sheer amount of apathy and immense laziness that can strike when you most expect it. You have been warned. The morals? Brush your teeth, don't watch Fox News, and never, under any circumstances, allow your eyes to become eggs in some sinister plot to create a Utopian society, especially if you're not invited.

Well, as I said that I probably would almost certainly do, here's the first of the continuance of the riddle contest! The Rules for the Riddle Contest are as follows:
1. Email me your answer at DeepFriedDyl@comcast.net . Under no circumstances post it in the comments section (I would suggest not even reading any of the comments sections until you've answered the riddle, just in the name of fairness).
2. When emailing me your answer, let me know what name you wish to go by when I post the standings. If you don't want to be posted, or you only want to be posted if you got it right, let me know.
3. In the comments section, post whatever suggestions etc. that you want about the "Contest." If you see blatant errors that you feel interfere with the riddle, let me know. I reserve the right to completely ignore whatever you say, regardless of accuracy, but you can always try. I'd also like to broaden it from just a simple riddle contest to spades tournaments, stories, reader submissions, whatever. So let me know what you think.
4. Anyone can enter at any time, as long as I know them (so if you want to tell someone about it and I know them, go ahead.) After November 16, if you enter a riddle later than the weekly allotted time, it will only receive half credit (unless you have a doctor's note).
5. Each riddle of 13-16 lines will be 1 point. 9-12 lines is 2, 5-8 lines is three and less is 4. If only 20% or less of the participants get the riddle right, it will be worth double points.

That's all, for now (I'll post the results next time I write a riddle). Here it is. (I think it's pretty easy, but then again, I wrote it.)

A simple object, used all of the time
Is the focus of this riddling rhyme.
Its uses are many, some grand others not,
You might be surprised by the powers its got.

Wielded by many, but mastered by few,
Such use dulls and can shatter, just hone to renew.
Scratching and scraping, always leaving its mark:
Not blood or ruin, just a deep slash of dark.

Blunt or sharp, it matters not,
A quite potent tool in many a plot.
Harmless in the hands of a fool,
In the grasp of genius, a powerful tool.

What it creates, it can also destroy,
The cause of great horror, but also great joy.
A mundane creation, yet amazing as well,
If you know what it is, don’t stop, please do tell!

((Just as a follow up to the riddle. I realize that brevity is not my forte. I know I'm not perfect, nor are my riddles or anything else I write. With that said, when writing most of my riddles, I have one set item or idea in mind. Occasionally, another can fit. However the most important thing you can do is to analyze each and every comment to make sure each one applies to at least some extent to your answer. For instance, a car and a truck are similiar, but are not exactly the same. I may decide to let both count, or just one, depending upon the riddle. Just in case, please look at every part of the riddle. Some lines may apply better than others, but generally each line will work. Until next time...))

Wow, what a night. I tell ya what, there's nothing like a dramatic finish to the regular season sending your team to the playoffs that gets the blood moving through your veins. (Well, my cold, stiff, fingers that couldn't point straight towards the end would disagree, but they deserved it, cheeky freaks).
Anyway, for those who missed it, West came back in the final minute or so of the game to kick a 30 or so yard field goal with :07 left in the game. It was quite exciting, especially considering our track record for field goals and extra points this year. Still, we won in dramatic fashion, and that's what matters.

However the game was just one part of my wild misadventure. I left home, thinking "Well, I've got this direction thing down, I've done my MapQuest, gotten instructions from my mother, and now I'm set." Apparently, I was horribly, horribly wrong. After getting in the general vicinity, I promptly ignored my MapQuest and set off looking for a "Wal-Mart" as instructed by my mother. Now, with Wal-Marts these days, one would think they'd be easy to find. But like money, fame, fortune, hand grenades, and the phone number of the nearest pizza place, they're never around when you need them. So I continued on to Union County. Somewhere along the road, I saw a building with the word "GUNS" in big letters. Just the sort of encouraging thing I like to see as a beacon of hope in strange territory. Over every rise, I though "Surely this next patch of civilization will have the fabled Wal-Mart and Halls shall be nearby!" But no. Anyway, after awhile, I realized I was chasing El Dorado, called my mother (who sort of set me straight), and rushed back to see the game.

Then, on the way back, I was innocently driving home (the right way this time) when one of my glasses lens burst out of its shell and rushed at my jugular. An epic battle ensued where three innocent bystanders were brutally murdered and I barely escaped by melting the rogue lens into a puddle of evil mush. Ok, so minus the whole psychotic thing, it was still rather disconcerting driving with one eye shut (I pulled over eventually and fixed it). That about convinced me then and there to go contacts. Anyway,I then I promptly made another wrong turn, took a ten minute detour, and made it home in one piece.

There you have it. Long? yes. Concise? no. Brilliant enough to revolutionize the way we perceive the very fabric of space and time? You bet your best friend's wallet! As this post demonstrates, I will indeed be posting "journal entries" when I feel like it. So if you have a problem with it, you know where the suggestion box is! (Right underneath this post, by the way). And with that, I'll end this rambling, incoherent journal entry.

F.N. I'm going to make a riddle this weekend, I really mean it! No really, I do! Really!

Well, I've finally gotten motivated enough to start/update one of these blasted things. Why? Well, I feel the need to spread my unerring wisdom, advice, and raving lunatical(if it's not a word, it should be) words of complete, and utter proposterousness (see the above). And also because a few individuals, who will remain anonymous at this juncture, aimed a series of increasingly horrendous sharp, pointy objects at some of my various vital organs.

Anywho, yes I will be posting some riddles in the near future, and yes, I'll be posting whatever else I feel like too. I appreciate any comments you have, any at all. I also don't really care who reads this, as long as I know them and they don't have plans in the near future to abduct me, horribly torture me during a brainwashing session of immense proportions, then leave me on the side of the road, deserted in the middle of the desert.

And that's that, for now *evil, ominous laughter*. (It'd be nice if you made a post to say you've been here and done that, or about how st00p1d I am, listing the reasons I should be tossed off a cliff ASAP, or just to say "Hello, dylan, it's about time you got working on this, you lazy bum!" Enjoy.)