Have you ever had one of those weekends where, despite your best intentions, you can't see to get anything remotely productive accomplished? This weekend, I had so many great plans towards getting rooms cleaned, homework done, evidence destroyed, bodies buried, you know, the usual. But I never could get motivated.

Of course, that's the cover I give to the world. Here's what really happened:
So I was in my room, thinking "Gee, I really ought to clean this place up", when all of a sudden, my window is shattered and a burning gerbil is tossed in. The gerbil, obviously with a short time to live, explains in high, squeaky Gerbilease (which I had just happened to learn last weekend out of boredom) that the world was in grave peril. If I did not find the Unholy Wristwatch of Never-ending Annoyance, the world would cease to turn, thus creating a temporal disturbance, ultimately destroying all known life (and some death as well). So I set off on my quest. Little did I know that I was being followed. As I crossed the Atlantic, I was set upon by three ninjas armed with really, really big thumbnails. As they rushed towards me, I noticed that the in-flight movie was about to start. So, being the resourceful chap that I am not, I quickly bought a pair of headphones and staired intently at the screen.

Now, for those who are unaware, it is very bad etiquette to disturb someone watching an inflight movie. I mean, they've spent $10 for some crummy headphones for a dumb, censored movie, so they should be able to watch in peace. Unfortunately, the movie happened to be "101 Ways to Watch Paint Dry: A Documentary." I knew my life was on the line, so I sat through all four agonizing hours. Torture most foul indeed, but I survived and evaded the ninjas after arriving in my former capital, Luxembourg (another, longer story).

I immediately ventured into the slums, which in Luxembourg are the equivalent to your average cardboard box with a bay window and complete home entertainment system. In other words, pretty nice. I then found one of my many informants "Jehn "the Lawn" Maher." Jehn told me to "Go forth and Prosper." I punched him in the face. Then he told me to:
"Travel far, travel near, just please don't come back here!
What you seek cannot be found on this earth or any ground!
Venture to that place on high, Deep below the cloudly sky,
Filled with birds and twigs and such, koalas, lampreys nothing much.
There you'll find your watch and complete your quest, you'll have saved the earth and passed the test.
But heed my warning, heed it well, Avoid the river straight to Hell;
It only leads to fatty foods and Really Grumpy Attitudes!"
He then proceeded humming "Turkey in the Straw", whereupon I punched him once again and set out.

Now, as much as I valued my now toothless informant, I knew he told nothing but lies, half-truths, and trivial information that only impressed tourists. Therefore, logically, the Unholy Wristwatch of Never-ending Annoyance must be found under a rock deep in the belly of a nearby skunk ape way back in K-Town. I then used my magical "Teleportation Device of Plot-Holes" to find the ape, kill it using my handy-dandy "Spear o' Mint", grab the watch and set the time-space continuum back in order.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the long and short of why I accomplished next to nothing productive this weekend. Thank you.