Musings...

After reading 1.5chapters in Grendel, I thought it necessary to post my anti-existentialist nihilist theory so I won't forget it again.

Basically, I exist. I know this to be true. As Descartes put it, "I think therefore I am." Regardless of the validity of anything else, I exist. The specifics of my existence are very likely entirely false, but the grand picture that I do exist is there, albeit fuzzy.

Now, existentialist nihilists (henceforth just "existentialists) believe existence is meaningless, stressing the individual's plight against an uncaring, futile world. But here's the thing that bugs me: if this is all there is, why do I remember myself? The way I'd imagine memory works is that if you forget something happened, it's as if it never did happen in the first place. However I'm well aware of my existence. That would imply some long term ability to remember, because if we did die and that is "it", we would never be able to realize our existence. It's hard to explain. I dunno, in a coma you often don't remember your previous life. It's like being "born again" in a secular sense. Yet your life gradually returns to your memory and you really did experience it, even though you can't remember it. Awareness is more powerful than a simple chemical reaction. If it wasn't, it surely wouldn't be so strong. Anyway, why am I confined to myself? Why do I only experience my own feelings? Either none of the rest exists, or there's something else out there.

Basically, I think existence must loop. There's an explosion, energy is hurled outward, eventually it becomes spread too thin, it reverts to a ball of energy, and explodes again. My life, somewhere infinitely down the line, must be repeated verbatim. And who better to experience it than myself? So perhaps our lives are just the same thing over and over we just can't remember our infinitely previous experiences. With the way probability works, it's rather feasible. Why does the equation of time have to be linear? It could be circular. It actually makes more sense than the way it is now because circles have no beginnings and ends. It solves both questions. The only problem is the origin of the circle, but perhaps it simply has always existed. It's not too farfetched. So there you are.