I've mentioned it before, but have you ever scanned the archives of someone's journal? It tells a veritable story itself. It's fragmented and you only get snippets of continuing "storylines" here and there, but that sort of adds to the charm. There's also a feeling of "forbidden fruit" to reading a journal uninvited. I suppose, in many ways, it's perverse. But most of the time, if you want privacy it's easily attainable. So my rationale is "it's asking to be read." It's an interesting experience, following the mental paths of others. You gain more insight into their character, their true thoughts and feelings. It often seems to me that I don't know other people too well; their likes, dislikes, character, philosophies etc. Yet, if you've followed their journal, you feel better connected. Especially if they go past the mundane. Once there is something considered "personal", the bond truly begins. What you did today isn't all that worthy of a journal. What you thought and felt, though, that's something. Real emotion is the goal. And when outsiders view that emotion, your character becomes more defined. In a way, it's like mind-reading. Except controlled.
When you really see other people, not their shells with faces slapped on coming out the door (two references to the song, 10 nihilist points for the one who gets it right first), you realize how similiar your feelings are. How many times has suicide occurred to the people you know? How close did their insecurity and depression bring them all the way to the brink? Aren't they as lonely and wayward as yourself? The answer is quite surprising. Sometimes it can give you comfort, to see that you aren't alone. Sometimes that very fact is even more depressing. I think it's evidence that we should get to know each other more. Perhaps not to be afraid of our peers and really see who they are in all their dynamic complexity. It's hard, at first, to let down your shields and expose your soul to the prying, unseen, greedy eyes of your peers. But after awhile, it sort of instills a better feeling of bravery. It's helped me, this journal, to become more confident. I can actually go crazy, know everyone thinks I'm a fool, and think "I may be, but at least I'm not bored or boring." And, for me, I like things to be spiced up. For instance, the other Dillan was alone during the "icebreakers" activity today, and I went up and talked to him. He didn't strike me as the brightest toupee in the wig bin, but he wasn't too bad a guy. People are people. Try to love em all, and really mean it. Maybe I'll learn how too.
Well, first day of school. Even after 13 times, I'm still scared of new classes with new people. Maybe it's the fear of being shown for the sciolist, the pretentious charalatan that I might be. I dunno, I hope I don't come across as supercilious or elitist. I certainly don't feel it. English just sort of brings out the inner egotist in you, as Mr. Ross rather demonstrated (his assessment, not mine). It's sort of odd, add "egotist/low self-esteem" to the list of my personal paradox I suppose. It would appear I can only be one of the other. Maybe I need work on it. If I can average Nihilism and Romanticism, surely that can't be too bad.
Heh, speaking of which, it was rather amusing today when Mr. Ross made a comment about the "dark" nature of the works we'd read. Believe it or not, the thought hadn't occurred to me. I've gone into the depths of nihilism and dark romanticism myself, so maybe everything seems at least a bit light by comparison. Despite my tenuous hold on "good" mental health, I feel as if there are few concepts that could really shock me. What could be worse than "everything is meaningless" and "everything is dark, gloomy, and hopeless?" Indeed, nihilism is very dangerous, but only when it's a result of determinism. Otherwise, it's not too bad. At least, it's easily defeated in the epic war of the philosophies.
Heh, I suppose we'll find out, won't we? Farewell!
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