Heh, I think the title about sums it up. As I mentioned yesterday, I don't feel close to many people because I've little that's sacred that I entrust to an elite few who I trust and who are sort of initiated into a "Upper Dylan Circle." My "secrets" are pretty much all in plain view, right here, advertised on my AIM profile, open to any casual glance or intense scrutiny that you may care to toss my way. So I guess this is my "crutch." It's sort of an interesting little phenomena, this blog. I'm nearing a year (in two months) which really is an accomplishment for me because as you may have noticed, it's hard for me to stick with these things.
I suppose its enduring quality is related to its myriad of uses. It's a good place to vent, as anyone who has a journal/has read a few can see. Little positive feelings are worked out because generally it's advisable to leave them alone and let them be. You've no reason to talk about them, they don't need fixing. You feel good, everything's peachy. It's the negativity that needs to be ejected or at least lamented, and that's what happens. So, unfortunately, that's most of what you read. The bad. It sort of presents an unbalanced view of my psyche. But there you are.
Another benefit is that I can look back and notice changes or past frames of thought. I do it so often, writing it all down isn't such a bad idea. It's rather interesting, to go back and look so closely at yourself about a year ago. Oftentimes you think "How could I have been so silly?" or frivilous or vain or prideful or whathaveyou. But I can do that just by looking at yesterday hehe. It's sort of a log of your life, or in my case my mental states, that you can learn from.
But you also learn things while writing. Most of the time after I've written things, I go over it in my mind, and suddenly I see all these flaws. False rationale, contradictions, whatever that violate what I had thought was true a few moments ago. Part of that is I like absolutes when it comes to these things, but unfortunately one cannot place labels on a changing, complex personality and expect them to be the rule, not just the theme. It's the same for every person, we're not robots with programs and set limitations, but it bothers me nonetheless. Of course, I'm also quite malleable (occasionally verging on manic-depressive), so I can change to fit whatever contradictions I imagine up. I need to be more ignorantly stubborn. Too bad I loathe obstinacy.
Basically, this thing is a crutch. Instead of picking a few people to moan about my troubles, I use this medium. On the one hand, it reaches more than one person, but the reader also has the discretion of what they want to read. So I don't bother you unless you bring it on yourself, and you give me at the very least an illusion that I'm being heard and thought about.
Speaking of the readers, this new site-counter thing is quite interesting. I can actually see how many visit and how often every day. I can't see the exact people, but sometimes I can make educated guesses (depending on who's on AIM, or, for instance, David uses Firefox so I know when he's looked; if I knew who used Windows ME and Windows 98 instead of just XP I might get a better idea. It's amazing what technology can do nowadays). It sort of appeases me instead of getting upset when you don't post. After I get another vote on the poll, I'll make a new one. So you've got a mission. Hopefully you won't drop the ball like last time! Ta-ta!
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