Well, the streak is over. I made a blog post in one of my blogs and Abner for many days straight, but I was so involved with my little venture into escapism tonight that it slipped my mind until about now to write in this one. Ah well, easy come... (Of course, the streak's still on if "periods of awakeness" count as days, but whatever).
So... Well, tomorrow I make my first foray into organizing a "gathering." That gathering: Bowling. I dunno, I like bowling. It's not as infuriating as golf, it's not as grueling as football, and Heaven, Hell, and the Pillsbury Doughboy know I need more arm strength. It's just a nice activity. Of course, we have to pay for it, but you can't win em all. If it's not too expensive and goes well, it'd be nice to make it a weekly thing. That's one of the reasons I really want a gaming club, to have a sort of weekly gathering where who knows who will show up and what will happen, but it's a structered environment with a set goal. Even if that goal is playing games.
An interesting subject, social activities. As most of you may have noticed, I'm not much for spontaneity. I'm not good at "hanging out" simply because I can't relax and accept uncertainty. That's part of the reasons I get panic attacks and I'm so affected by others. I'm paranoid. I worry what seems like all the time if my silly little mind can somehow make me responsible for things that happen. I get nervous even calling someone for fear I'm annoying them. At least, I think that's what's going on. On AIM, I know people are there just to talk. But calling someone always makes my heart race and my voice get shaky. The same but worse happens when I have to speak in front of a group. I panic. I can't calm down and think straight. The words become blurs and seem to switch around before my very eyes. Whether it's a too high expectation of myself or fear of failure, I don't know, but when I start shaking and practically break down for every single blasted presentation it drives me crazy. Another reason I want the gaming club, so I'll speak and semi-lead a group. Even if that group is just me...
Eh, for someone who has such a self-centered philosophy, I sure do worry about other people a lot. One of the many contradictions of my psyche, I suppose. My conscious mind can think all it wants, but it just can't tame my subconscious. And then, I'm stuck because it never occurs to me to actually ask anyone else how they feel. I forget to put myself in their shoes and think "Wow, this is boring. I wonder what it would be like if I was an ice-fishing eskimo running for Governor of Florida..." I want to make things exciting and be an interesting, involving person (because I know I don't like being left out and I try to follow that whole "Golden Rule" thing), but then I freeze or can't think of anything or just go into apathy/cynicism mode. I simultaneously care too much and not enough. I need to stop feeling like every moment of silence is a wasted oppurtunity. I need to stop getting nervous everytime I have to do some sort of performance where I can't go back and repair my mistakes. I need to freaking relax!
I blame a lack of foundation. For some reason, the fact that I don't have a set source of income and that I depend on my parents is a constant burden. It's not even a conscious thing, it's just like a wall to me having inner peace. I don't feel like I have something to fall back on, security both emotionally and financially. My parents will always support me, sure, but for some reason it's not enough. I often think that if I could fill the hole with love (as in, outside my family), I'd be able to have more of an emotional backbone and not be so bipolar/contradictory. So much of the trivialities life throws my way wouldn't matter. And I have that, to some extent, but for some unfathomable reason it isn't good enough! I think the only thing is a real "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing, but that alone would probably be yet another source of stress. Plus, it's a very confusing world, one I don't think I want to venture into. It's a shame, though, because the positive may very well be better than the negative.
Ah well. I'm still learning. I'm "socially retarded" to an extent, I suppose, because I was trapped in my own little escapist world for so long. Not only that, but I could drive. So, when I finally emerged from both video games and dependence on other sources for transportation, it was as if I had my own "Awakening." I started thinking about things more, feeling things more, certainly writing more. But that's been less than a year now. Perhaps you all are new to this sort of thing too. I dunno. But that's neither here, there, or Peru. And I must be off to bed. Farewell and if I don't see you tomorrow, hopefully it'll be sooner than later.
No comments:
Post a Comment