The Times They Are A Changin'

Which is good, because I've only got 20's. (Get it! Changin'? As in "loose change?" Eh? Eehhhhh?"

Anyway. It's odd. It's not the "traditions" that really make you feel your reality is shifting. It's not graduation, the last day of school, orientation, any of those things. It creeps up on you, change. At least it does for me. People come, people leave, and I take it as it comes. It's not until a few weeks of months later when you wonder what exactly that tiny sad feeling is at the end of the day, the notion that something is just... missing. That's when it gets you.

It's not just people leaving either. Within the past few weeks, I've learned of sexual relationships of three of my friends. And it's not that I assumed they weren't or never would engage in it, it's just sort of an "oh" thing. I suppose it's because I don't speculate about people's private lives, I just believe what they tell me. I don't condemn it or anything, certainly not. I just haven't been exposed to it... ever. I know these things go on, but from my perch behind the keyboard, I don't really give them much thought.

But then, gradually, more and more happens. I suppose I'm not shocked at these people, I'm shocked at myself. It finally strikes me that I really am growing up. And in a month or two I'll be at UT, watching people get drunk, high, and "fornicated" left and right. It's really kind of funny. I picture it like the "Forbidden City" chapter in Catch-22. For some reason it's post-apocalyptic, there's fires burning and people are running around screaming, all sorts of chaos is occurring. And I'm just wading through it. An overdramatization, but for someone like me, who has never even seen marijuana not in the hands of some sort of federal agent or alcohol in the mouth of a minor, it's quite a step.

I don't fear it, exactly, I just don't look forward to being "immersed" in it. I like the position of observer or confidante, hearing about the adventures and misadventures of others but never experiencing them myself. It's a position of power, but I can also empathize to the point where if you go into detail, the pictures and actions come alive. I don't need the real thing. But I guess I'm going to get it whether I want it or not, eh?

I could say things like "I'll never drink, I'll never get high", but I don't really know. At this moment, I would adamantly refuse just because I don't want to lose control. But in a year? Who knows? I could say I'll refuse any girl who asks me out, but I don't really know.

At this moment I'd rather live my life out alone, being a part of many lives but not a main part. But I also know I've got those stupid, stupid desires. Not sexual ones that I've recently learned can be "taken care of", but the kind you get when you watch a movie by yourself and want someone to hold/be held by. I'm tempted to go Puritan and just outright deny it. But then I wonder if it's something I'll regret years later. I won't regret skipping Prom. I might regret never being in a real relationship. Waiting for the "right girl", eh?

Ah well. It's sort of... powerful, living life. I've got this desire to be a real influence on people, my students particularly. I want to be memorable, not necessarily remembered. Que sera, sera.