Help!

Alright, in 10 short minutes visiting Elizabeth's house to record things, I learned quite a bit and most of it's disturbing:

1. I don't like imposing. At all. On anyone. I can't stand uncertainty like that. I get all nervous and anxious and that, in turn, just makes others uncomfortable. I feel absolutely dreadful during and afterwards. And that brings me to my next point.

2. I use suicide as a defense mechanism. When I feel too conflicted or that I've unnecessarily inconvenienced/harmed/insulted someone else I immediately consider suicide just so I'll never do it again. I realize what I'm doing, and I try to remember that there are people who would be quite hurt if I did, but I rationalize and think they'll get over it. It'll stir some good morbid creativity, maybe spur on a fantastic, successful artistic career. Nasty little things, brains. Anyway, I do this almost everytime I get upset at myself because I've done something to someone else. When I've disappointed someone, when I've come into their home unexpectedly, when I've made them uncomfortable (especially people I barely know) I just jump to suicide. Fortunately I'm so paranoid of failure I won't do it unless it's certain, but it still bothers me. I don't exactly know how to fix it. I guess I need more confidence? Maybe more perspective? I don't know... I just want to drop on my hands and knees and tell people I'm so sorry for any slight I may have inflicted upon them. Of course most people I know aren't so lucky to receive that sentiment, unless it really is something rather damaging. Bleh. Suggestions would be welcome (on the discomfort. The suicide mechanism is not going to go away until I have clearly defined responsibilities like a job/family that needs me. I just don't value my life that much).

3. And apparently, no one found it appropriate to tell me how nasally and nerd-like my voice really sounded. I mean, really. It's terrible! I sound like a frickin' nerd! It's the nastyess thing... I should just stop talking all together. Typing, writing, and hand signals all the way. Bleh. Bleh I say! Maybe I should try Claritin. I know I can't smell. Hmph.

And that's about it. Now, for the quote of the day:
Me: My young body wants to commit felonies!
Lauren: and indeed it will.
Lauren: just as soon as shakespeare is out of the picture

Cheers!