Hello Darkness my Old Friend

You know, I like Math because it's easy. Not, perhaps, in execution, but in conclusion. In math, there is one right answer. There are no difficult choices, no ambiguity, no ethical dilemmas, no alternate conclusions. I don't have to make choices in math. There is an appropriate method, tried and true, for each problem. There may be simple complexities, but they're easily identified and dealt with if you have the tools.

Life is not so simple. Although I'm sure to some higher power it would be possible, I lack the ability to isolate aspects of a complex situation and eventually arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. I can destroy parts, but then the result isn't as pleasant as it needs to be. So I shy away from the difficult questions with no right answers. I try not to answer them and hope they'll become simpler as time goes on, or perhaps someone else will answer them for me. But no one does, I'm afraid. My problems are my own, and I have to answer them myself. I can rationalize most any action I could take, from callous destruction of emotion to suicide (I repeated myself, a pity...) and actually believe the logic is sound. The sad part is, you wouldn't be able to convince me otherwise. I'd forgotten how good I was at misery and justifying it. I can tell I've changed, though, because now I don't let myself get away with it. I see my little escape routes for what they are, and after brief struggles I try to do the right thing. The problems recur, though, and I need support. I'm just afraid to lean on people because I know I'll break most of them, for when I get negative I get really negative. So I stand on my own two feet, trying to bear the burden alone. There is no "dylan and someone" to stand by me and prop me up. I'm just "D- M-." Or "Washington Irving", depending.

Meh. Optimistic realism is the goal, so let's swim towards it. Things will get better if we let them. In fact, they're already quite good with the right perspective. When you're given a tool you've got to use it productively, not hurt yourself with it. Me hammering my fingers instead of the nail with reason and sawing of hands instead of boards with rationale will only lead to more bleeding. Being positive is ever so much better than pessimism. My father's shown me that. The second mouse gets the cheese, eh?