Poppin' Pills

To cure ills. No, not for cheap thrills. Pills aren't cheap! But anyway, I'm getting better. I think. Either I am or those cheap generic pills worked somewhat. Either way, I'm pleased. Colds are one of the many banes of my existence. They're the type of unacceptable pain because they're not self-inflicted. I can't get too angry about depression because I can change it should I try hard enough, but when it comes to disease I just have to wait. And I have little patience for viruses!

Today I got home around 4, and it just felt downright strange. I have things to do after school everyday except Wednesday, so when I actually come home this early, it's something special. Everyday last semester was like this (except Wednesday, ironically, since I had Mu Alpha Thaeda). And now it's reversed. I think I like it more, though.

But I noticed something yesterday on the way to Cardboard Club that I felt too miserable to write about. My reserve of positive energy is very limited. I get some encouragement, even the smallest of sincere positive comments works, and I'm charged. But gradually the excitement dulls, the hope diminishes, and doubts plague me. Using yesterday as an example, I was walking down to Petko's room wondering if anyone at all, other than David, would show up. The thought that it might be failing was rather disheartening. Much to my surprise we had quite a crowd; it was very reassuring. It's just evidence of a recurring problem. The same thing happens with all my "projects." With the Beowulf film I wonder if it's on the right side of the very thin stupid/funny line. I look back over it and I'm just not sure. It sounded funny at one point, at least... Meh, like depression, it's just a matter of remembering that I can make anything out of anything; I just need to make it all as good as possible.

By the way, just as a warning, I might start writing fiction here using "I" in the sense of a character and not myself. I think it'll be pretty apparent which are the silly, mellodramatic Dylan entries and which are the choppy, ludicrous fiction sections. One can hope, at least.