So I've taken to going on nightly walks alone. I walk a lot, mainly because it warms my bony, brittle form more than atrophizing in this chair for hours on end (my body takes in and loses heat faster than a Portugese mudwrestler opens a can of refried fried chicken. In other words, ridiculously fast.). I also think much better while walking. I can't just sit and think. I'm a pacer, if you haven't noticed, I have to be doing something to occupy a portion of my mind for the rest of it to be at maximum capacity. Autopilot is amazing, especially while driving. I start thinking while driving and wake up, only to realize I've waited at the light, gone through, and I'm getting ready to turn without consciously acknowledging it. Anyway, there's a new neighborhood 2minutes away that only has road paved, but no houses. I have to walk through a touch of brush, but it's like my own private circuit of solitude. I can walk in circles for however long I want and there's an incredibly low probability I'll ever be disturbed.
It's odd, how calming and serene it is. That isolation, only me, nature, and the blanket of darkness. You don't really realize how bright the moon is until you've been out at night enough. It hurt my eyes tonight. So I walk and think. But here's where it gets forboding and symbolic. I walk, isolated and alone, and it's a perfect indicator of my projected path in life. I'll be in contact with plenty of people in the day, but at night I'll come home and be thoroughly alone. Oh, there might be a dog or two, but human companionship will be quite lacking. As I stroll along the deserted, almost desolated landscape, I gaze into the sky. Stars twinkle, a plane or two flies in the distance, and I feel as close to nature as I ever will. The Food City on Western ruins the effect by beaking its infernal speaker system to call some code 57 on aisle 932 about some small child who has decided to relinquish all control of his waste management facilities right in the middle of the paper towel section. Oh irony, how you taunt me. But it's a small matter. The night remains, as do I, and the annoyance past I continue my trek. There is no goal or set distance I aim for. I just walk along the course, hitting every circle once and head home. The monotany doesn't bother me. I dream, I plot, I ponder, but mostly I exist.
I sometimes wonder if I'd like to walk with someone else. A pleasant addition to complete a peacefully beautiful scene. But, for me, I fear it would ruin the effect. I would feel obliged to speak, for as you're well aware, silence in the company of friends annoys me to no end. Perhaps I'll find someone who I can be comfortable with in silence, but I'm afraid to search. I'm reminded of the cliche dating ad "Single female seeks sensitive male who enjoys poetry and long walks on the beach." Irony's at it again, I'm afraid. Of course only an insignificant minority of girls actually want that, but it's still amusing to think about. I go into my "course" because I crave the isolation, the distance from stress and obligation available only in a state of such distance. I suppose it's one of the strongest attractors to Maryville College. It has that "walled in by trees microcosm" feel to it. The woods are nearby and I know some of them are ripe for aimlessly wandering. UT just doesn't have that.
But that's a decision for another day. For now, walking alone seems appropriate. It's not depressing, just somewhat sad. Perhaps melancholy. It's that peculiar pure sensation where you feel like smiling and crying at the same time because you're lonely but you know it's the only way. I guess I'd better get used to it.
***
On a much lighter note, I came up with the idea for the Amazingly Redundant Repetitive Looping Man Hero. The name's going to be constantly revised, but I maybe I'll write a story or about him.
"But Amazingly Fantastic Redudant Repetitive Man, why do you keep pounding your head against the wall?"
AFRRM:"Well Jimmy boy, child, kiddo I have to pound a hole in this wall and by smashing a gap into the obstruction I can successfully bash an opening through this obstacle and exit leavingly with quick retreat."
Jimmy:"You could use the door."
AFRRM:"I'll kill you dead."
Exciting, no?
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