Grungy Grendel and The Sexy Exi's

For those of you needing band names, it's a possibility. Today we discussed existentialism further, so now a few of you lucky saps know my pain hehe. It's really an ugly philosophy. Wretchedly depressing as well. For those not in first, I argued the "optimistic" version of existentialism, blaming Grendel for his own despair and saying his suicide wasn't all that hot. I didn't articulate it that well, but it's the sort of thing you want to believe, because the alternative just isn't pretty. I was accused of being a hypocrite because I've not been the best of following the optimistic version, but when you become an existentialist and give up that holy security blanky, you might have a leg to stand on. I mean, most of you probably see it as philosophical nonsense, but the disturbing reality is that this is precisely what happens if you break out of the shell. I was Grendel in February, except I was a bit more accepted. I did have romantic conflicts on the opposite end of the spectrum and a solid foundation of determinism, so the dynamics differed a bit, but the similarities remain. I had to partially delude myself to keep on going, so I'd like to advise others to do the same if they're getting this thrust on them.

The cycle is real. I'm trapped in it. If I'm conscious of it, I can generally alleviate the lows to an acceptable point. But it takes the ability to almost objectively observe yourself and I don't think to use it often.

Meh, I'm just worried about those who fall into it and aren't guided well. Mr. Ross seems to be giving a particularly pessimistic version as it pertains to Grendel, even though I try to be as contrary as I can. I dunno, people in pain, especially mental pain, bother me. I'd like to help them fix it. But that requires a level of trust and commitment, yada yada. I just want to help others so they don't veer as close to the chasm as I did.

It's too bad I'm human. I err and disguise it as "reciprocity." I need to remove all traces of sadism, even that little offshoot. I guess it'll give me something to do.

School is entirely too stressful. I just want it to end. I don't know why I have to get good grades, I just do. Sorta like Sisyphus, except Sisyphus can't fail pushing the boulder. That makes it easier to smile... Joy.