Bleh. Thus, it all begins again. Or rather, it began a week or two ago. As school appears closer, I can already feel the stress. Summer reading constantly weighs me down. And it's in the form that there's just so much, I get so weighted I can't move. I fall onto my bed and just stare at the TV. I could be working. But why bother? There's just so much to do. It waxes and wanes, but the depression is always. This is depression. It feels like depression. It's not sadness, sadness is triggered. Sadness is dark blue and eeriely beautiful. Depression is bruised purple. Depression is the opposite of happiness, contrary to popular belief. Happiness is pervasive, it lingers. It's a mood, not an emotion. Sadness and elation are emotions. They strike with more force and power, but can easily be swayed. Depression and happiness are more pervasive. They're the poison to the cannon shot of emotion.
I've begun dreaming again. Generally the dreams are strange and just related to fears and sources of stress that are sprinkled through my generally privileged life. I dream of my car wrecking. Often. Sometimes I'm driving, sometimes I'm parking, sometimes someone else is destroying it. But it always gets torn to shreds or grossly disfigured. And the terror, shame, and depression of having to call home and say it's happened again is overwhelming. It destroys me. That, and missing my SATs, were bigger blows to my self-esteem and confidence than most anything. The 4s on my AP tests were the norm, it seems, so I don't really resent those. I feel like I could have done better, I know I could have if I had just studied more. But I didn't like the subjects. Ah well. I was disappointed in my 31. Most people would kill for it, but I think it's on the low side of what I could do. It's just part of that reversed sense of accomplishment. Nothing short of the top is acceptable.
And yet, look at my college situation. My choices are essentially Maryville and the UT Honors program. Money isn't a problem for either (it's paid for through scholarships). So I'm left with probably the biggest decision I've made to date. Maryville has an average ACT of 24.5. UT Honors average was 31. But there's pros and cons to both. Maryville is out in a rural area. It's got lots of trees, you can see the mountains clearly from campus, and it's generally more natural than UT. UT's in the middle of a city. At Maryville, I'd have a name. Most people would know me. At UT, in the Honors program, I'd have a name. But there would be a label I'd always have to wear. Everywhere I went, I'd be an Honors student. The standards are higher, the competition would be very high, and the stress would be immense. I'd get a better education. I'd have a much better chance of meeting people I could get along with well who shared my interests and sense of humor. But I'd be constantly stressed, worried about grades and achieving for a degree that really doesn't warrant such a mentality. At Maryville, the people would be different from me. It sounded like a positive environment, but I'm such a different person from the mainstream (in the sense that I am the definitive cynic, I blast Christianity when it's brought up because I despise Hell, I'm a pacifist, I'm a Romantic-Nihilist for lack of a better word, I'm a determinist who still has morals, I'm a walking contradiction) that conflict is almost sure to spring up. In a discussion environment, at least. The smaller nature and the comments from most sources seem to indicate small is the way to go. But it's a gamble and the odds aren't on my side.
BLARGH! I'm incredibly distressed right now (this is 3hours after writing most of the above). I emailed Mrs. Jackson about an SOSE project but I'm so filled with doubt and... something I can't quite describe, that I'm being torn in half. It's that stress of the spotlight. I'm singling myself out for punishment and reprimand. It's... terrible. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel so incredibly stupid and foolish, like I'm a pretentious lunatic who is trying to play with a fire he's not prepared for and who will subsequently be burned to a cinder. It's like agony. It happens everytime I try to "fly solo." When I go it alone without the utmost of positive support (such as Mr. Petko showed for my board game club), I fall into shambles. Ah well. This is what this is all about, testing and hardening. But it'll be terrible as I go through it. Abysmal. I fill like I'm going to burst into a rotten mess. Bleh.
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