Probably the Most Disturbing Thing I've Written in Awhile:

I feel good.

Yes, I know you're going to have that James Brown song stuck in your head for a few minutes, and frankly, it serves you right! Anyway, I watched yet another Bill Murray movie with a quasi-existential theme tonight, Groundhog Day. For those who don't know, the premise is that Murray is a weatherman who repeats the same day (I'll leave it to the detectives among you to figure out which day it is) over and over and over again. It's the whole "each day is the same as the previous day in a long cycle until eternity" mentality.

However, unlike the other movies I mentioned in a previous, more depressed entry, this one had a happy ending. Now, I don't like happy endings on many levels. They always strike me as unrealistic and anticlimatic. But it did get me thinking. And yes, I know, thinking is hazardous, but for some reason (probably said happy ending), it was a more positive train of thought.

I was watching Bill Murray strut around, finally being nice to people and seeming actually happy, and I wondered, "Why can't I be pleasant?" I can be somewhat witty, I can be considerate, but "pleasant" seems to be a quality I lack. It seems to stem from my "leave it alone" philosophy. It's like me and gifts. I hate giving gifts because I can't fathom what anyone would want. The same is true for actions. I don't know what people want, so I try not to so anything for them. If they ask me I often will, but I don't do anything "spontaneous."

It's all fear. I don't know if I like it. It was the strangest thing, I was feeling positive (instead of my normal apathetic or negative), and I thought, "Is this how normal people feel?" I want to feel like that a lot. Maybe all the time. But I know I'm going to slide back into a rut.

A thought occurred to me that maybe one of my problems is the "suicide" defense mechanism. I have the idea that if things ever get too bad, I can always kill myself a la spy-in-interrogation-not-S&M-style. Thus, I don't have to work on my reality because I've got an out. Not healthy, eh?

Well, here's hoping the high stays alive.