I'll Get You and Your Little School Board too!

The following is a dramatic reinactment of this morning's events. It is not what actually happened and should not be perceived as any sort of actual malice or threat that may or may not occur in the near or later future:

"Oh this just won't do," Dylan mumbled as he woke at 7 and watched the "Knoxville Hair Academy" be two hours late. He had been in denial for most of Thursday and Friday morning, sure that in typical Knox County fashion school would be called off. Obviously reality was catching up with him. "I've got to stop school from being in session! We still have three days left, and not even breaking 50% would be a travesty!"

So after a quick phone call I (switching to first person, because I can!) got dressed and hopped on the helicopter outside. We rushed over to the good Doctor's home for a "house call." Little did I know the trip up his lawn to his door would be an arduous one indeed. The first step onto his lawn resulted in a cascade of books hurled from some unseen hole, nook, and/or cranny. To my horror, these were no great works of art. No, instead they consisted entirely of Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and *gasp* the Brontes!!! Although no physical damage was done, it showed that I faced a worthy foe indeed.

I shrugged off the wretched tripe that had been thrust at me and continued on my trek. I came upon a single desk. On it were simple multiplication problems. But there was a catch. I had only 1minute to do 300 or I'd be dropped into a nearby pit of bureacracy. What could I do?! So, using my illegible handwriting as a cover, I wrote "These problems are purely theory and therefore do not exist." Being an elected official, there was no way the superintendent could get out of that one. So I passed.

Next I happened upon a giant hairdryer. So this is why it doesn't snow well in the Valley! I had to destroy it! But I had no weapons. I didn't even have an available task force for an air strike. I had to convince the superintendent to shut it down himself. So I stormed up to his door. But this was no ordinary door! A sign said the requirements to enter were a 5$ fee, a parent's signature, and a due date that was 5minutes ago! Egad, I couldn't just go back in time! What was I to do?!

Then inspiration struck. I did the same thing any punk kid would do. I broke in his window. I climbed in and yelled a challenge. "How dare you not call of school! You owe me! You owe us all!!!"

That's when I discovered he wasn't home. He'd escaped out the back door and was already rushing to befuddle and exacerbate simple procedures like mathematics, reading, and quantum physics. A primordial scream ripped through my throat. "CONFOUND YOU SUPERINTENDENT LINDSEY!!! CONFOUND YOU!!!!!!!"

When I finally made it back to school, I realized it had already been done. It had been done all along.