Help!

Alright, in 10 short minutes visiting Elizabeth's house to record things, I learned quite a bit and most of it's disturbing:

1. I don't like imposing. At all. On anyone. I can't stand uncertainty like that. I get all nervous and anxious and that, in turn, just makes others uncomfortable. I feel absolutely dreadful during and afterwards. And that brings me to my next point.

2. I use suicide as a defense mechanism. When I feel too conflicted or that I've unnecessarily inconvenienced/harmed/insulted someone else I immediately consider suicide just so I'll never do it again. I realize what I'm doing, and I try to remember that there are people who would be quite hurt if I did, but I rationalize and think they'll get over it. It'll stir some good morbid creativity, maybe spur on a fantastic, successful artistic career. Nasty little things, brains. Anyway, I do this almost everytime I get upset at myself because I've done something to someone else. When I've disappointed someone, when I've come into their home unexpectedly, when I've made them uncomfortable (especially people I barely know) I just jump to suicide. Fortunately I'm so paranoid of failure I won't do it unless it's certain, but it still bothers me. I don't exactly know how to fix it. I guess I need more confidence? Maybe more perspective? I don't know... I just want to drop on my hands and knees and tell people I'm so sorry for any slight I may have inflicted upon them. Of course most people I know aren't so lucky to receive that sentiment, unless it really is something rather damaging. Bleh. Suggestions would be welcome (on the discomfort. The suicide mechanism is not going to go away until I have clearly defined responsibilities like a job/family that needs me. I just don't value my life that much).

3. And apparently, no one found it appropriate to tell me how nasally and nerd-like my voice really sounded. I mean, really. It's terrible! I sound like a frickin' nerd! It's the nastyess thing... I should just stop talking all together. Typing, writing, and hand signals all the way. Bleh. Bleh I say! Maybe I should try Claritin. I know I can't smell. Hmph.

And that's about it. Now, for the quote of the day:
Me: My young body wants to commit felonies!
Lauren: and indeed it will.
Lauren: just as soon as shakespeare is out of the picture

Cheers!

Innocence A-Bored

EtrnalLstBoy (David Sugue): Alright, Dyl.
EtrnalLstBoy: Time to run the gauntlet.
IndubitablyDyl: paper time!
EtrnalLstBoy: Exactly.
EtrnalLstBoy: And you'd know. Is there a site that does a search of Knoxville libraries?
IndubitablyDyl: yes
IndubitablyDyl: http://cat.knoxlib.org/uhtbin/cgisirsi/Hl3WhnpMYL/293200236/60/1180/X
EtrnalLstBoy: I'm almost amazed you had that favorited.
IndubitablyDyl: heh
IndubitablyDyl: I have to renew a lot
EtrnalLstBoy: ...
EtrnalLstBoy: Right.
EtrnalLstBoy: Well.
EtrnalLstBoy: They have the book I need.
EtrnalLstBoy: At DOWNTOWN.
IndubitablyDyl: Hooray!
EtrnalLstBoy: Does that mean the one in downtown K-Town?
IndubitablyDyl: Downtown, life can be great when you're, Downtown!
IndubitablyDyl: Yes.
IndubitablyDyl: Lawson McGhee
EtrnalLstBoy: Goodie goodie gumdrops.
EtrnalLstBoy: My life is filled with happiness and sunshine.
EtrnalLstBoy: Hooray.
IndubitablyDyl: Hooray!
EtrnalLstBoy: I'm assuming that since you're not trying to stop this misadventure that it's open today.
IndubitablyDyl: Yes
IndubitablyDyl: From 1 to 5
IndubitablyDyl: Mayve 12 to 5
EtrnalLstBoy: Whoa.
IndubitablyDyl: I can't remember
EtrnalLstBoy: Them's banker's hours.
IndubitablyDyl: It is Sunday
EtrnalLstBoy: And they're supposed to bend to my every whim!
IndubitablyDyl: You never call, you never write, what do you expect?
EtrnalLstBoy: For them to obey my every whim.
IndubitablyDyl: Why would they? These things take commitment. They're not family, they've no obligation!
EtrnalLstBoy: Wait.
EtrnalLstBoy: Are we still talking about the library, or strippers?
IndubitablyDyl: Yes.
EtrnalLstBoy: Strippers in the library?
IndubitablyDyl: It's like a convenience market for undesirables!
IndubitablyDyl: There's strippers and hobos galore!
IndubitablyDyl: Stripping is a night job; what do you expect from them during the day?
EtrnalLstBoy: Oof.
EtrnalLstBoy: Type?
IndubitablyDyl: Type? You mean being a secretary?
EtrnalLstBoy: No.
IndubitablyDyl: They're brave, but even strippers can't take that level of harassment
EtrnalLstBoy: Type, as in type, if ya know what I mean.
IndubitablyDyl: I have no idea what you mean.
EtrnalLstBoy: Then you're too much of an innocent.
IndubitablyDyl: I must be. Am I innocent enough to be sacrificed?
EtrnalLstBoy: Nono.
EtrnalLstBoy: You still need your virginity.
IndubitablyDyl: But I have...er...by some definitions surely....well.... ok. Fine. No volcanos for me. Happy?
EtrnalLstBoy: Not really.
EtrnalLstBoy: I learned too much today.
IndubitablyDyl: And you haven't even started your paper!
IndubitablyDyl: You'll combust by the end of today!
EtrnalLstBoy: Yup.
EtrnalLstBoy: Ah, well.
IndubitablyDyl: At midnight, I suppose
IndubitablyDyl: Cause we won't finish until at least then I'm sure
EtrnalLstBoy: Self-immolation's the way to go.
EtrnalLstBoy: We still have little more than a week.
IndubitablyDyl: I prefer mania myself.
IndubitablyDyl: Yeah, but if we are consciously aware of that we'll never get the paper done today.
IndubitablyDyl: So we have to pretend it's due tomorrow.
EtrnalLstBoy: Still, my friend, it's better to get some today.
IndubitablyDyl: hehe...you said "get some"....
EtrnalLstBoy: Then burn ourselves trying to do it all.
EtrnalLstBoy: BAH.
EtrnalLstBoy: *get some done
IndubitablyDyl: ;)
IndubitablyDyl: Sure Davy, sure...
IndubitablyDyl: Yeah, I need to start...I mean continue... memorizing my lines
EtrnalLstBoy: Yup yup.
EtrnalLstBoy: I've got...
EtrnalLstBoy: One line down.
EtrnalLstBoy: Maybe 2.
IndubitablyDyl: Yes! You're not ahead of me!
IndubitablyDyl: I was worried, because if you, of all people, are ahead of me I'd be doomed.
EtrnalLstBoy: I don't know if I should be amused at that or not.
IndubitablyDyl: I dunno either, I can't remember which of us procrastinate more
EtrnalLstBoy: Corey.
IndubitablyDyl: No
IndubitablyDyl: He had to have all his lines memorized awhile ago
IndubitablyDyl: He's got a fascist group.
EtrnalLstBoy: Oof.
EtrnalLstBoy: Isn't he doing Merchant?
IndubitablyDyl: Nope.
IndubitablyDyl: He's MacBeth, just like you.
EtrnalLstBoy: Aiya.
IndubitablyDyl: A sad day indeed...
IndubitablyDyl: But, look at it this way, we've only got one week of real work to go!
EtrnalLstBoy: Yup.
IndubitablyDyl: Then we finish Econ and Calculus
IndubitablyDyl: And it's winter break time!
EtrnalLstBoy: Then we can go back to coasting through Calculus.
IndubitablyDyl: Yep.
EtrnalLstBoy: Oh, and do you know...
IndubitablyDyl: And after that you can get intimate with your video games and I can make a few prison calls to see if I can slip Meredith a file or spoon through the bars...

(Wish us luck! The AP English classes are going to be cranky and irrate for the next week and a half, so be warned! They do bite.)

Hello Darkness my Old Friend

You know, I like Math because it's easy. Not, perhaps, in execution, but in conclusion. In math, there is one right answer. There are no difficult choices, no ambiguity, no ethical dilemmas, no alternate conclusions. I don't have to make choices in math. There is an appropriate method, tried and true, for each problem. There may be simple complexities, but they're easily identified and dealt with if you have the tools.

Life is not so simple. Although I'm sure to some higher power it would be possible, I lack the ability to isolate aspects of a complex situation and eventually arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. I can destroy parts, but then the result isn't as pleasant as it needs to be. So I shy away from the difficult questions with no right answers. I try not to answer them and hope they'll become simpler as time goes on, or perhaps someone else will answer them for me. But no one does, I'm afraid. My problems are my own, and I have to answer them myself. I can rationalize most any action I could take, from callous destruction of emotion to suicide (I repeated myself, a pity...) and actually believe the logic is sound. The sad part is, you wouldn't be able to convince me otherwise. I'd forgotten how good I was at misery and justifying it. I can tell I've changed, though, because now I don't let myself get away with it. I see my little escape routes for what they are, and after brief struggles I try to do the right thing. The problems recur, though, and I need support. I'm just afraid to lean on people because I know I'll break most of them, for when I get negative I get really negative. So I stand on my own two feet, trying to bear the burden alone. There is no "dylan and someone" to stand by me and prop me up. I'm just "D- M-." Or "Washington Irving", depending.

Meh. Optimistic realism is the goal, so let's swim towards it. Things will get better if we let them. In fact, they're already quite good with the right perspective. When you're given a tool you've got to use it productively, not hurt yourself with it. Me hammering my fingers instead of the nail with reason and sawing of hands instead of boards with rationale will only lead to more bleeding. Being positive is ever so much better than pessimism. My father's shown me that. The second mouse gets the cheese, eh?

To Grandparents' House I Go

Be back Saturday. Have a good Thanksgiving everyone. Be safe, be happy, and be thankful I'm not a serial killer. Yet... Cheers!

"Don't underestimate my sanity." -Belinda, my oboe teacher.

"All children want me for Christmas." -Meredith, on her middle name whose origin is from a fictious pony of her mother's childhood fantasies.

And the Dylan said...

"RAWR!!!"

Bleh. Apparently UT offers a scholarship to National Merit Semifinalists and Finalists (of $4000 and $8000 respectively) if they choose UT as their first choice college. I put Maryville as my first choice. So all I can do now is hope the little postcard reaches the National Merit people in time to change my choice. If it works, I'll have $16000 guaranteed, no competitive scholarships required. I wouldn't be taking money from those who might deserve it more, and if I made Finalist college would be completely free! It just angers me that I didn't know sooner. Ah well. What will be will be. Better now than never, eh?

AAAAAHHHHH

Calculus (4 sections), Economics, and TONS and TONS of ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!

And someone's hidden my glove.

I want next semester.... *sigh*