Well, band camp is still hot. We're talkin' hot, hot, hot (do-dooo). Humid, if you will, but regardless it's rather unpleasant. It is rather nice to get to see these people more; other than my car getting keyed things have gone well (I'll pay for any information relating to a reason that's based, rooted, and thrives in truth at the suggestion of Caitlin. If there's anyone who knows about the recesses of the criminal/deviant mind, it's her.) My summer reading is quite behind, and Mrs. Jackson felt it imperative I go home at once and get cracking (not her words). Suffice it to say I haven't picked the book up. I'm a binger when it comes to work and food. I can't wait!
I tried to find Mr. Petko about the Gaming Club, but he must have already left. How are Tuesdays and Thursdays? I'd really appreciate some sort of commitment or reassurance that I won't be playing solitaire by my lonesome. You know what to do. See most of ya... uh... tonight, and for the rest, enjoy your illgotten freedom, jerks! Hehe, farewell!
Tuesday, August 3
Sunday, August 1
Lean on Me because I'm got crutches.
Heh, I think the title about sums it up. As I mentioned yesterday, I don't feel close to many people because I've little that's sacred that I entrust to an elite few who I trust and who are sort of initiated into a "Upper Dylan Circle." My "secrets" are pretty much all in plain view, right here, advertised on my AIM profile, open to any casual glance or intense scrutiny that you may care to toss my way. So I guess this is my "crutch." It's sort of an interesting little phenomena, this blog. I'm nearing a year (in two months) which really is an accomplishment for me because as you may have noticed, it's hard for me to stick with these things.
I suppose its enduring quality is related to its myriad of uses. It's a good place to vent, as anyone who has a journal/has read a few can see. Little positive feelings are worked out because generally it's advisable to leave them alone and let them be. You've no reason to talk about them, they don't need fixing. You feel good, everything's peachy. It's the negativity that needs to be ejected or at least lamented, and that's what happens. So, unfortunately, that's most of what you read. The bad. It sort of presents an unbalanced view of my psyche. But there you are.
Another benefit is that I can look back and notice changes or past frames of thought. I do it so often, writing it all down isn't such a bad idea. It's rather interesting, to go back and look so closely at yourself about a year ago. Oftentimes you think "How could I have been so silly?" or frivilous or vain or prideful or whathaveyou. But I can do that just by looking at yesterday hehe. It's sort of a log of your life, or in my case my mental states, that you can learn from.
But you also learn things while writing. Most of the time after I've written things, I go over it in my mind, and suddenly I see all these flaws. False rationale, contradictions, whatever that violate what I had thought was true a few moments ago. Part of that is I like absolutes when it comes to these things, but unfortunately one cannot place labels on a changing, complex personality and expect them to be the rule, not just the theme. It's the same for every person, we're not robots with programs and set limitations, but it bothers me nonetheless. Of course, I'm also quite malleable (occasionally verging on manic-depressive), so I can change to fit whatever contradictions I imagine up. I need to be more ignorantly stubborn. Too bad I loathe obstinacy.
Basically, this thing is a crutch. Instead of picking a few people to moan about my troubles, I use this medium. On the one hand, it reaches more than one person, but the reader also has the discretion of what they want to read. So I don't bother you unless you bring it on yourself, and you give me at the very least an illusion that I'm being heard and thought about.
Speaking of the readers, this new site-counter thing is quite interesting. I can actually see how many visit and how often every day. I can't see the exact people, but sometimes I can make educated guesses (depending on who's on AIM, or, for instance, David uses Firefox so I know when he's looked; if I knew who used Windows ME and Windows 98 instead of just XP I might get a better idea. It's amazing what technology can do nowadays). It sort of appeases me instead of getting upset when you don't post. After I get another vote on the poll, I'll make a new one. So you've got a mission. Hopefully you won't drop the ball like last time! Ta-ta!
I suppose its enduring quality is related to its myriad of uses. It's a good place to vent, as anyone who has a journal/has read a few can see. Little positive feelings are worked out because generally it's advisable to leave them alone and let them be. You've no reason to talk about them, they don't need fixing. You feel good, everything's peachy. It's the negativity that needs to be ejected or at least lamented, and that's what happens. So, unfortunately, that's most of what you read. The bad. It sort of presents an unbalanced view of my psyche. But there you are.
Another benefit is that I can look back and notice changes or past frames of thought. I do it so often, writing it all down isn't such a bad idea. It's rather interesting, to go back and look so closely at yourself about a year ago. Oftentimes you think "How could I have been so silly?" or frivilous or vain or prideful or whathaveyou. But I can do that just by looking at yesterday hehe. It's sort of a log of your life, or in my case my mental states, that you can learn from.
But you also learn things while writing. Most of the time after I've written things, I go over it in my mind, and suddenly I see all these flaws. False rationale, contradictions, whatever that violate what I had thought was true a few moments ago. Part of that is I like absolutes when it comes to these things, but unfortunately one cannot place labels on a changing, complex personality and expect them to be the rule, not just the theme. It's the same for every person, we're not robots with programs and set limitations, but it bothers me nonetheless. Of course, I'm also quite malleable (occasionally verging on manic-depressive), so I can change to fit whatever contradictions I imagine up. I need to be more ignorantly stubborn. Too bad I loathe obstinacy.
Basically, this thing is a crutch. Instead of picking a few people to moan about my troubles, I use this medium. On the one hand, it reaches more than one person, but the reader also has the discretion of what they want to read. So I don't bother you unless you bring it on yourself, and you give me at the very least an illusion that I'm being heard and thought about.
Speaking of the readers, this new site-counter thing is quite interesting. I can actually see how many visit and how often every day. I can't see the exact people, but sometimes I can make educated guesses (depending on who's on AIM, or, for instance, David uses Firefox so I know when he's looked; if I knew who used Windows ME and Windows 98 instead of just XP I might get a better idea. It's amazing what technology can do nowadays). It sort of appeases me instead of getting upset when you don't post. After I get another vote on the poll, I'll make a new one. So you've got a mission. Hopefully you won't drop the ball like last time! Ta-ta!
Note to Self
Remind me to write something when I'm not being quasi-introspective. You might end up with something entertaining!
Saturday, July 31
Norm!
Yes, the rally cry of that wonderful vintage sitcom "Cheers!" I think "Cheers" is sort of an impossible ideal. At least it is for me. For those unaware, "Cheers" was about a bar in Boston. But it was a sitcom, focused on the interactions of the various "regulars", the owner, and the waitresses. But the relevant event here is when one particular regular entered and the entire bar cried "Norm!" (because his name, of course, was Norm Peterson). I'd really like that sort of acceptive base. The feeling that I have a firm, solid support from a group of people who I can count on to be there everyday. I have friends now, but I'm not very good at keeping things going. My conversations sadly drift into unpleasant obscurity, my mad projects end in dissatisfaction and failure, and my friends fade into my past to eventually be forgotten. I can't say I've ended one in anger or over some overblown drama, but I know of quite a few that sort of dissipitated into the annuls of time. I'm sure it's happened to you. Friends from middle school, past classes, whatever that you just don't contact. But I rarely contact anyone period. I don't call, I don't write, I don't go out and do things. I will IM though, but usually only if I have something to say.
But what I want is normality. I want to be able to walk into that sort of warm environment everyday. Or at least a few times a week. It's sort of like the bandroom after school (Heh, I even tried the "NORM!" thing in the mornings freshman year, but it didn't pan out well). Unfortunately that'll be a bit ruined now, but it'll still be around in a somewhat diminished form. I want the board game club to be sort of like Cheers though. You walk in, you're familiar with everyone or you meet a few new people, you get together, you talk, you have fun. It's a solid, permanent environment but it's not brutally demanding. You stay as long as you want (til last call), hang out but have a purpose, and it'll be there next week.
When I'm able, I want to come home at night and have a support base. I want to have a place to relax with friends after work, to discuss, kick back, and hang out. Then I want to go home and find a lapdog or two, a pile of papers, maybe a book (reading and writing, hopefully heh), and a good feeling of inner peace. A "wife" (common law or legal) is rather doubtful, but we'll see if I fall in that concealed pittrap in college or not. Anyway, I'd also like friends. I mean real friends. The type that really know you and you really know them. The type that constantly associate with you. I suppose I've got that in some of you guys, but I'm not sure. I have storybook desires that I know are incomplete and impractical. I guess it's because I don't lean on people so I don't feel like I have the support, even though it's there. I have little reason to lean, which I suppose is a good thing, but I've little reason to get close to people. I like listening and at least attempting to help, and a few people do take advantage of it, but...meh. I'm too high-strung for all that. Too many imagined and neglected responsibilities.
I'm just a walking contradiction. College can't end soon enough...
But what I want is normality. I want to be able to walk into that sort of warm environment everyday. Or at least a few times a week. It's sort of like the bandroom after school (Heh, I even tried the "NORM!" thing in the mornings freshman year, but it didn't pan out well). Unfortunately that'll be a bit ruined now, but it'll still be around in a somewhat diminished form. I want the board game club to be sort of like Cheers though. You walk in, you're familiar with everyone or you meet a few new people, you get together, you talk, you have fun. It's a solid, permanent environment but it's not brutally demanding. You stay as long as you want (til last call), hang out but have a purpose, and it'll be there next week.
When I'm able, I want to come home at night and have a support base. I want to have a place to relax with friends after work, to discuss, kick back, and hang out. Then I want to go home and find a lapdog or two, a pile of papers, maybe a book (reading and writing, hopefully heh), and a good feeling of inner peace. A "wife" (common law or legal) is rather doubtful, but we'll see if I fall in that concealed pittrap in college or not. Anyway, I'd also like friends. I mean real friends. The type that really know you and you really know them. The type that constantly associate with you. I suppose I've got that in some of you guys, but I'm not sure. I have storybook desires that I know are incomplete and impractical. I guess it's because I don't lean on people so I don't feel like I have the support, even though it's there. I have little reason to lean, which I suppose is a good thing, but I've little reason to get close to people. I like listening and at least attempting to help, and a few people do take advantage of it, but...meh. I'm too high-strung for all that. Too many imagined and neglected responsibilities.
I'm just a walking contradiction. College can't end soon enough...
Wednesday, July 28
An Auspicious Beginning
Well sports fans, it would appear band camp won't be as hellishly abysmal as it was in days of yore. At least, not immediately. Today, I must say, went quite well. Whether it was the cooler weather, my lack of a bass drum, the generally positive atmosphere, or the very fortunate fact that there are no sadistic, monstrous upper classmen to torment me incessantly, I was rather impressed by today. My arms are sore, but that's to be expected from someone of such inferior muscular status as myself. I probably went a tad overboard in terms of outgoing-ness today, but I'd rather be too crazy than too withdrawn.
So now I sit at home listening to that God among Saints, Antonin Dvorak, and ponder my next move. I could do my desperately needed summer reading, but who wants to work after a full day of work followed by more work? Some person in India probably because I'm sure they have better work ethics there, but not me! I guess it's computer time for Dyl then! Woohoo!
So now I sit at home listening to that God among Saints, Antonin Dvorak, and ponder my next move. I could do my desperately needed summer reading, but who wants to work after a full day of work followed by more work? Some person in India probably because I'm sure they have better work ethics there, but not me! I guess it's computer time for Dyl then! Woohoo!
Tuesday, July 27
Waiting
Well, I'm waiting. Waiting for the appropriate time to start reading Mr. Agee. I've got to finish it today in order to keep up with a long forsaken schedule. Then there's bandcamp tomorrow and I think all our rain was just used up. I'm going to melt. It will be a joyous occasion for all, I'm sure, when I burst into flames and run screaming in circles. At least a good 5 minute break. Even a train can't buy that sort of reprieve.
Bleh, so many returns... I do believe my angst is returning. Of course, that could also be a combination of my undone homework and the impending deadline. I can never do anything remotely productive while procrastinating. So I'm left awash, drifting from one temporary amusement to the next. But I can't really enjoy any of them because that small little grinding, bobbing weight keeps alerting me of what I ought to be doing.
I've decided I lack perspective. I'm too open-minded. I can't stand by anything without having doubts fire assault after assault at its tremulous bastions. Maybe college will help. Hmph. I just need something to fire me up. Right now I'm dead inside. Thus I've resorted to listening to religious music. However much I dislike the religion, Christianity does have some nice music. I dunno, maybe I feed off the faith of others since I'm incapable of having it. Faith in God, others, myself. Sort of like a lamprey.
Well, time to swim off. I've still work to do. Always more work it seems. But things are looking up! Just because I say so. Hoo-ah!
Bleh, so many returns... I do believe my angst is returning. Of course, that could also be a combination of my undone homework and the impending deadline. I can never do anything remotely productive while procrastinating. So I'm left awash, drifting from one temporary amusement to the next. But I can't really enjoy any of them because that small little grinding, bobbing weight keeps alerting me of what I ought to be doing.
I've decided I lack perspective. I'm too open-minded. I can't stand by anything without having doubts fire assault after assault at its tremulous bastions. Maybe college will help. Hmph. I just need something to fire me up. Right now I'm dead inside. Thus I've resorted to listening to religious music. However much I dislike the religion, Christianity does have some nice music. I dunno, maybe I feed off the faith of others since I'm incapable of having it. Faith in God, others, myself. Sort of like a lamprey.
Well, time to swim off. I've still work to do. Always more work it seems. But things are looking up! Just because I say so. Hoo-ah!