Well, the streak is over. I made a blog post in one of my blogs and Abner for many days straight, but I was so involved with my little venture into escapism tonight that it slipped my mind until about now to write in this one. Ah well, easy come... (Of course, the streak's still on if "periods of awakeness" count as days, but whatever).
So... Well, tomorrow I make my first foray into organizing a "gathering." That gathering: Bowling. I dunno, I like bowling. It's not as infuriating as golf, it's not as grueling as football, and Heaven, Hell, and the Pillsbury Doughboy know I need more arm strength. It's just a nice activity. Of course, we have to pay for it, but you can't win em all. If it's not too expensive and goes well, it'd be nice to make it a weekly thing. That's one of the reasons I really want a gaming club, to have a sort of weekly gathering where who knows who will show up and what will happen, but it's a structered environment with a set goal. Even if that goal is playing games.
An interesting subject, social activities. As most of you may have noticed, I'm not much for spontaneity. I'm not good at "hanging out" simply because I can't relax and accept uncertainty. That's part of the reasons I get panic attacks and I'm so affected by others. I'm paranoid. I worry what seems like all the time if my silly little mind can somehow make me responsible for things that happen. I get nervous even calling someone for fear I'm annoying them. At least, I think that's what's going on. On AIM, I know people are there just to talk. But calling someone always makes my heart race and my voice get shaky. The same but worse happens when I have to speak in front of a group. I panic. I can't calm down and think straight. The words become blurs and seem to switch around before my very eyes. Whether it's a too high expectation of myself or fear of failure, I don't know, but when I start shaking and practically break down for every single blasted presentation it drives me crazy. Another reason I want the gaming club, so I'll speak and semi-lead a group. Even if that group is just me...
Eh, for someone who has such a self-centered philosophy, I sure do worry about other people a lot. One of the many contradictions of my psyche, I suppose. My conscious mind can think all it wants, but it just can't tame my subconscious. And then, I'm stuck because it never occurs to me to actually ask anyone else how they feel. I forget to put myself in their shoes and think "Wow, this is boring. I wonder what it would be like if I was an ice-fishing eskimo running for Governor of Florida..." I want to make things exciting and be an interesting, involving person (because I know I don't like being left out and I try to follow that whole "Golden Rule" thing), but then I freeze or can't think of anything or just go into apathy/cynicism mode. I simultaneously care too much and not enough. I need to stop feeling like every moment of silence is a wasted oppurtunity. I need to stop getting nervous everytime I have to do some sort of performance where I can't go back and repair my mistakes. I need to freaking relax!
I blame a lack of foundation. For some reason, the fact that I don't have a set source of income and that I depend on my parents is a constant burden. It's not even a conscious thing, it's just like a wall to me having inner peace. I don't feel like I have something to fall back on, security both emotionally and financially. My parents will always support me, sure, but for some reason it's not enough. I often think that if I could fill the hole with love (as in, outside my family), I'd be able to have more of an emotional backbone and not be so bipolar/contradictory. So much of the trivialities life throws my way wouldn't matter. And I have that, to some extent, but for some unfathomable reason it isn't good enough! I think the only thing is a real "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing, but that alone would probably be yet another source of stress. Plus, it's a very confusing world, one I don't think I want to venture into. It's a shame, though, because the positive may very well be better than the negative.
Ah well. I'm still learning. I'm "socially retarded" to an extent, I suppose, because I was trapped in my own little escapist world for so long. Not only that, but I could drive. So, when I finally emerged from both video games and dependence on other sources for transportation, it was as if I had my own "Awakening." I started thinking about things more, feeling things more, certainly writing more. But that's been less than a year now. Perhaps you all are new to this sort of thing too. I dunno. But that's neither here, there, or Peru. And I must be off to bed. Farewell and if I don't see you tomorrow, hopefully it'll be sooner than later.
Wednesday, June 23
Monday, June 21
Observations, Insights, and Rubbish (A bit of Redundancy, too)
Heh, as a forewarning to the below post, I'm actually referring to a few of you in it in what could possibly be construed as a less than favorable light. Please don't take offense, I don't have any ill feelings or malicious intent and I'd hopefully never condemn you or your actions unless I felt they were harmful to yourself or others, I'm just making observations that I find interesting.
The day started off pretty much the same as every other day this summer. I wake up and think, "You know, I've got no real incentive to get out of bed. But I feel like I've wasted so much time sleeping late. But there's nothing to do when I get out..." etc. It's such a common problem with me, I find. I'm just not interested in many of the trivialities of life. The details, the daily events, the things that can and will be forgotten. Not only of myself, but also of others. Practically any event that's remotely ordinary I don't really care about. I actually hold a negative opinion about speaking of events and people neither of the parties represent or are concerned about. I can force myself to be somewhat interested in other's daily happenings, if that's the person's intent, but if it doesn't even involve you... I dunno. I say that, but then I see how very little I have to talk about. When you're not interested in hardly anything at all, there is very little basis for conversation. As you may have noticed, I've taken to making observations like these when I'm bored. Just mulling things about in my head and making different connections. It still doesn't make for good conversation.
So the question becomes, what does? At first I begin to think I'm just an uninteresting person with nothing of any import to say, but then I remember a conversation is two ways. The other person doesn't have all that much either. And I think it's a problem. A problem I'm not exactly sure how to handle. And it gets to the root of a larger issue that I see plaguing me all summer. I'm just not interested in much. I have this delusional idea that life should be interesting, that people should have things to talk about and do all the time. But when I'm put in many social situations, I find that's not the case. I'll give you two examples that I thought were rather interesting. Now, like I said, I like you all. I hardly dislike anyone, and as long as you're not cruel/sadistic/personally invasive you're fine in my book. If you're reading my blog, it's a very safe assumption I like you. I may not show it, but I do care for ya all. So please don't let anything I say offend you.
When we went to Pigeon Forge, I had two separate, distinct groups riding with me. On the way up I had Abby, Caitlin, David, and Derek. It was nice, because they always talked. There wasn't any silence. I loathe silence. I may not particularly appreciate what they talk about, as it often breaches the above mentioned conversation areas, but I do think I prefer it to silence. And then, on the way back, I had Morgan, Ellen, and Cory. And it was quiet. Not all the time, but for a good part of the time, there wasn't much talking. And it grinds my nerves. I feel like people aren't enjoying themselves, are uncomfortable, and feel akward. At least I do.
So what does that mean? The only times I have good conversations seem to be when I start imagining and making things up. Or when I have fodder, like a book/movie/current event to philosophize/ridicule. Even just ordinary actions, I'll make dark imaginary continuations of them. But with no firm basis for conversation... Eh, look at the two above situations. Neither optimal, neither absymal. Gotta make a call somewhere. Heh, my indecisiveness will be discussed later, as my deadline is nearing. Until next time, stay safe, be careful, and be happy!
The day started off pretty much the same as every other day this summer. I wake up and think, "You know, I've got no real incentive to get out of bed. But I feel like I've wasted so much time sleeping late. But there's nothing to do when I get out..." etc. It's such a common problem with me, I find. I'm just not interested in many of the trivialities of life. The details, the daily events, the things that can and will be forgotten. Not only of myself, but also of others. Practically any event that's remotely ordinary I don't really care about. I actually hold a negative opinion about speaking of events and people neither of the parties represent or are concerned about. I can force myself to be somewhat interested in other's daily happenings, if that's the person's intent, but if it doesn't even involve you... I dunno. I say that, but then I see how very little I have to talk about. When you're not interested in hardly anything at all, there is very little basis for conversation. As you may have noticed, I've taken to making observations like these when I'm bored. Just mulling things about in my head and making different connections. It still doesn't make for good conversation.
So the question becomes, what does? At first I begin to think I'm just an uninteresting person with nothing of any import to say, but then I remember a conversation is two ways. The other person doesn't have all that much either. And I think it's a problem. A problem I'm not exactly sure how to handle. And it gets to the root of a larger issue that I see plaguing me all summer. I'm just not interested in much. I have this delusional idea that life should be interesting, that people should have things to talk about and do all the time. But when I'm put in many social situations, I find that's not the case. I'll give you two examples that I thought were rather interesting. Now, like I said, I like you all. I hardly dislike anyone, and as long as you're not cruel/sadistic/personally invasive you're fine in my book. If you're reading my blog, it's a very safe assumption I like you. I may not show it, but I do care for ya all. So please don't let anything I say offend you.
When we went to Pigeon Forge, I had two separate, distinct groups riding with me. On the way up I had Abby, Caitlin, David, and Derek. It was nice, because they always talked. There wasn't any silence. I loathe silence. I may not particularly appreciate what they talk about, as it often breaches the above mentioned conversation areas, but I do think I prefer it to silence. And then, on the way back, I had Morgan, Ellen, and Cory. And it was quiet. Not all the time, but for a good part of the time, there wasn't much talking. And it grinds my nerves. I feel like people aren't enjoying themselves, are uncomfortable, and feel akward. At least I do.
So what does that mean? The only times I have good conversations seem to be when I start imagining and making things up. Or when I have fodder, like a book/movie/current event to philosophize/ridicule. Even just ordinary actions, I'll make dark imaginary continuations of them. But with no firm basis for conversation... Eh, look at the two above situations. Neither optimal, neither absymal. Gotta make a call somewhere. Heh, my indecisiveness will be discussed later, as my deadline is nearing. Until next time, stay safe, be careful, and be happy!
Sunday, June 20
Sweeping Up
Alright kids, pay attention, this might pertain to you someday. So, ten years from now, you want to create a show for broadway. Yes, I know, you're an unemployed plumber with only one arm who has no experience working in musicals or with liontaming, but that's beside the point. You need soemthing new, something different, a real "hit." That's when you remember this blog entry and your career skyrockets. Here's the pitch:
A young man named Robert is a prodigy. He's a master of all pursuits educational, physical, and philosophical. He can do practically anything he wants. So, graduating top in not only his class, but the entire state, he proceeds to forego his collegic career and becomes a High School custodian. Thus it is that the Janitor's adventures through a long life of being the most overqualified janitor ever begin. Here's a snippet to get your future creative juices flowing:
Anonymous Person: "He should have been a poet!"
Bob: "Don't I know it!"
Random Old Person: "He should have gone on to act!"
Bob: "That's a fact!"
Perfectly Ordinary Cyborg: "He should have done so much more."
Bob: "I know it to my core!"
And then everyone starts chanting their lines except Bob who goes on to sing:
"But I want to sweep! I want to clean!
I want to shine, I wish to polish, I need to shean!
It's all for a good cause, it doesn't give me pause,
I clean up messes, no matter what for,
I am Bob the Janitor!!!"
Now, honestly, isn't that the best pitch for a musical you've heard in quite some time? It's like a combination of "Mr. Holland's Opus" meets "Oklahoma" meets Mr. Clean. And here you get the idea for free. I envy you.
A young man named Robert is a prodigy. He's a master of all pursuits educational, physical, and philosophical. He can do practically anything he wants. So, graduating top in not only his class, but the entire state, he proceeds to forego his collegic career and becomes a High School custodian. Thus it is that the Janitor's adventures through a long life of being the most overqualified janitor ever begin. Here's a snippet to get your future creative juices flowing:
Anonymous Person: "He should have been a poet!"
Bob: "Don't I know it!"
Random Old Person: "He should have gone on to act!"
Bob: "That's a fact!"
Perfectly Ordinary Cyborg: "He should have done so much more."
Bob: "I know it to my core!"
And then everyone starts chanting their lines except Bob who goes on to sing:
"But I want to sweep! I want to clean!
I want to shine, I wish to polish, I need to shean!
It's all for a good cause, it doesn't give me pause,
I clean up messes, no matter what for,
I am Bob the Janitor!!!"
Now, honestly, isn't that the best pitch for a musical you've heard in quite some time? It's like a combination of "Mr. Holland's Opus" meets "Oklahoma" meets Mr. Clean. And here you get the idea for free. I envy you.
I need...
I need a plan. I need a goal. I need... "various other things." I need a distraction, because the more I think the more wrong I am! I'll settle for an adventure though. Can't think too much when being chased by Nigerian cannibals armed with pitchforks and metronomes.
Saturday, June 19
Shiver my Timbers, Shiver my Soul
Yo Ho Heave Ho! So I watched part of "Muppet Treasure Island" today because, along with Moulin Rouge and various other movies, we actually own it. And, I'm glad to say, it's an enjoyable movie. It's got pirates, it's got singing, it's got comedy, it's got intrigue, murder, suspense, who could ask for anything more? Ah, if only Mr. Rogers would choose Pirates of the Caribbean for our show music. Then we'd all have nicknames, Derek would run around saying "ABast me heartey's!" and what not. Good times indeed. Pirate mariachis may have to do, though. Ah well.
Well, the fires of whatever have been somewhat quenched, but I still seem to be on my way to going stircrazy. I suppose the reasons are twofold. The first being an issue in the present. I seem to have managed to marginalize just about everything. I don't really have any plans, goals, or joys. I just seem to not really enjoy anything. I might actually do it, but whenever I start thinking about it, nada. I have to live vicariously through others, but even then it has to be my way (ie not material objects or lies; I also have to cause it for some reason). Perhaps it's because I'm always worried about something. That would explain my frequent nightmares about being late to class (those will have to another entry, though). That I just cannot relax. Or maybe I can and I just don't realize it. But I think the main reason may be that I expect more of life. I expect more than I can have, in terms of emotional experiences. Either I don't let myself rise to that level or I'm delusional. It's very distressing. When even activities that are supposed to be enjoyable only serve to occupy, not really amuse. I seem to only enjoy things when part of a team or side because then I have a niche, a reason, a purpose. It's why I like driving, because then I'm serving a needed purpose.
But that just further reinforces my dependence on others. Me, a person who theoretically cares little about people's opinions and preaches contentment with only oneself, has to depend on others. It's illogical! Ah well, what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I've no plans! If I had things I wanted to do I'm sure I'd take you all with me. Good thing Ellen's on the case for finding good towns to visit!
Eh, once again I've run out of steam before getting to college. My mind is becoming more and more fragmented. So I bid you all farewell until next time...
Well, the fires of whatever have been somewhat quenched, but I still seem to be on my way to going stircrazy. I suppose the reasons are twofold. The first being an issue in the present. I seem to have managed to marginalize just about everything. I don't really have any plans, goals, or joys. I just seem to not really enjoy anything. I might actually do it, but whenever I start thinking about it, nada. I have to live vicariously through others, but even then it has to be my way (ie not material objects or lies; I also have to cause it for some reason). Perhaps it's because I'm always worried about something. That would explain my frequent nightmares about being late to class (those will have to another entry, though). That I just cannot relax. Or maybe I can and I just don't realize it. But I think the main reason may be that I expect more of life. I expect more than I can have, in terms of emotional experiences. Either I don't let myself rise to that level or I'm delusional. It's very distressing. When even activities that are supposed to be enjoyable only serve to occupy, not really amuse. I seem to only enjoy things when part of a team or side because then I have a niche, a reason, a purpose. It's why I like driving, because then I'm serving a needed purpose.
But that just further reinforces my dependence on others. Me, a person who theoretically cares little about people's opinions and preaches contentment with only oneself, has to depend on others. It's illogical! Ah well, what can I do? Absolutely nothing. I've no plans! If I had things I wanted to do I'm sure I'd take you all with me. Good thing Ellen's on the case for finding good towns to visit!
Eh, once again I've run out of steam before getting to college. My mind is becoming more and more fragmented. So I bid you all farewell until next time...
Friday, June 18
The Attack is Repelled
Hmm. You know, a strange thing just happened to me. Angst was raging, I was infuriating myself, life had once again got to me. And then, I watched a relative tragedy (Moulin Rouge, to be precise), and somehow it made me feel better. It wasn't sadistic, it wasn't vindictive, it was... inspiring. Blame the good ole Romanticism that rooms with Nihilism(they've got their pros and cons, you be the judge there heh). The sandpaper that had been rubbing continually against my heart has faded to a low scratch. I'm not cured, but for some reason it's bearable now. It's not quite a feeling of peace, but it's lessened the rage and fatalistic futility. At the same time, it's reinforced my resolve to do absolutely nothing with my life. Ironic, I suppose. And although I'd originally intended to delve into that abyss tonight, my mind seems to be drawing a blank (and it's a very good artist in that regard). Perhaps later. Next time. Always waiting until next time...
Walls
Staring at walls is not entertaining. I need action! I need adventure! I need something to do other than sitting in front of the computer! It really is a shame I can never think of anything. Except summer reading. Wouldn't that be something...