A Minor Retraction

Well, I figured a few things out tonight at our lil' Christmas Eve thing with my mom's side of the family (and the subsequent Christmas night, since I keep getting distracted writing this...).

1. I hate the gift giving aspect of Christmas because I simply can't do it. I can write poems (quality varies, of course), or when it needs to be less serious, "raps". And that's it. Poems are only good for a few people, and I have to be inspired to actually finish one, so they're rare anyway. So I feel particularly guilty because I get things and I have no idea what person wants in return. At the moment it's not a money issue. I've got plenty. I just don't know people like that. I don't form complex opinions and remember everything about them. It's the con side to not holding grudges or judging others, I also don't pry into their psyches unless asked. It's also probably the primary reason I'm so horrible at Loaded Questions...

2. The real reason I should dislike Christmas is because it shows what should happen the entire year. We had a great time last night, just hanging out with the family. They only live 25minutes away, tops. And yet, we never see them. It takes a holiday like this to get us together. And we think "we should do this more often." And yet we don't. That's what's wrong with Christmas. We shouldn't need a Christmas. We should get together quite often; we get along quite well, it's fun, everyone has a good time. But we don't. It's limited to the very rare holiday and it's not right. Everyday should be treated like Christmas, with togetherness, kindness, generosity, and whatever. Instead we have to be "reminded" about it. Meh. Meh I say!

3. I still dislike getting presents. No, I hate it. I don't want any. So... keep them away!

4. Well, in order to not be a hypocrite, I'm going to write things to everyone who's posted in my blog (because they're the ones who might actually read them). These are my Christmas presents, truthful sentiments about people and how much they really mean to me. Of course we don't say these things enough, and Christmas is a nice reminder. Hmm. I suppose, to avoid further hypocrisy, I should say them more often. Then again, that might get old in and of itself. So... Christmas works. Blast! It appears there is some use for this holiday. Although there shouldn't be. Because these things should already be known. But...anyway... before I talk in more circles... (I could send them privately, but where's the fun in that)?

Andy- You're quite an interesting character. You're like no one else I know (for better or worse). An almost paradoxical combination of personality traits, it provides a perspective I'm not used to and one that I really benefit from associating with. Not quite as romanticly inclined as I'd like, but it's good to have someone to talk about relevant world issues with. I actually do value your opinion, and I listen to what you say; you're one of my favorite people to seriously argue/debate with. I really hope this year you'll loosen up a little and stop worrying about love, life, and personal failure. Everything will turn out well if you plan a bit, but don't get caught up in the throes of life. Relax, enjoy, and let yourself be happy with the present.

Derek- Well, what can I say? It seems you've got most everything the way you like it. And if not you certainly do a good job of hiding it. I hope college goes well, I'm sure you'll succeed and do quite well in life as long as you stay away from cocaine and strippers. Separately they're assets to performance, but together they just get messy. Remember that!

Ellen- About the same as Derek. I don't really know you that well, but I wish you the best of luck when you head out to college. If your away messages are an indicator of college performance, you'll be a dean in no time. Enjoy the last legs of high school!

Catherine- I'm assuming you're still alive, so just incase I must say I think you're a good sinner with a person problem. Er... Well, you get the point. You've got a great sense of humor, a wild and crazy yet somehow not extreme (don't ask about that one) way of life I find intriguing and pleasantly disturbing. I also think you're quite a nice person, but I haven't seen you since college so you may no longer have a soul. I guess I'll settle for "keep your pants on, and when you don't just be careful."

Lauren- It's nice to have someone as often bored and available as me to talk to. Although I'm often distracted and not there as often as I should, I do appreciate our conversations. I hope you'll continue to talk to me through the loud noises and shiny objects. You really are interesting and creative, in your own way, and I hope you pick up some self esteem (and a good man!) this next year. You could really benefit from both, and you deserve them.

Erin- Meredith believes you're "amazing", and I'd say that's not far from the truth. We actually have conversations past the normal fluff most people discuss, and I really do appreciate them. Matters that aren't exactly of world import, but still deal with intriguing social issues that I normally don't get to talk about. You always seem willing to be helped, and that's quite an asset in our conversations. I enjoy assisting you and talking with you about things romantic, parental, or whatever and I'll continue to help in anyway I can. Hopefully this year you'll get a bit more perspective, but also stop so persistently doubting your own. You're a good person, don't forget it.

Lee- You may have slept with more of my relatives than the government has record of, but you're still a good friend. We may not talk nearly as much as we did in drumline, but I still appreciate your wonderful personality. Our fights should be the stuff of legend, but as it is they're just great fun. I hope your sister grows coherent or at least puts something in the vacant space between her ears; your patience with her is remarkable, evident by the very fact she is still breathing. I hope college goes well and wish you the best of luck in life, love, and the petty squabbles in between. I think you'll have good fortune in regards to all three.

David- As sad as it is, you're my best guy friend. You're a sarcastic jerk, but it's sort of endearing to someone who can appreciate good jabs and rarely be affected (Sticks and stones may shatter my malnourished frame, but words only cause superficial scrapes that have a low chance of infection). It's nice to have someone I can talk to about not doing homework relevant to me, classical music, and addicting crack-like online games. I certainly don't know you as well as the hordes of freshmen girls that I corrupt daily, but it's a working relationship. Strangely, unlike most guys, we don't talk about hawt chixxorz. We've got pr0n for that! Just don't get sucked in and use it as an excuse for the real thing! MMORPGS, I mean. We won't go into pr0n... Have a great remainder of your senior year, keep up the happiness (no more of the angsty David's of days long past), and good luck when you finally get into college. Hopefully we'll keep in touch (I'd like to be kept updated about the list of atrocities sure to be included in your surprisingly emminent obituary as they unfold. Should be an interesting few years...)

Elizabeth- You know, you may be one of the most annoying and infuriating people I know. Merry Christmas! Heh, really though, I appreciate that you're there for me even if you don't have the answers I seek. Whether I like it or not you care about me, and I do appreciate it. Heck, you probably saved my life because of it. I'm sorry I'm rather irritable around you, either familiarity breeds contempt or you just push my buttons (the wrong ones). I don't like hurting you, and although I forget, I'll try not to be hurtful. Although you haven't seemed to really require it from me lately, I'm here if you need me. I do care about your wellbeing, and I wish you the best of happiness. Hopefully you'll lose the all the stress, get out of your house for good, and let your prince charming sweep you off your feet (or him off his, as the case may be). Sitting next to you for band should be... interesting to say the least. I'm sort of looking forward to it...

Meredith- To avoid further acts of hypocrisy, I'll let "I love you" suffice. You know what you mean to me.

If I forgot anyone I'm quite sorry; most others I don't think read this; if you do, speak up and I'll give you your Christmas present as well. I really do appreciate all of you, even though I know I don't show it. Even if it seems like I don't need you, I do. You're parts of my support structure, people I can trust if I need to. And I may, eventually. I'm a hypocrite in that regard too, not talking about my problems as much. But I need to have more faith in your abilities to help. Certainly none of you should hesitate to seek my advice (however flawed and misguided it may be) and help on most anything. Even outside of the computer, if I can I'd like to help. Just get me too. I ought to get to know you all more, or at least spend more time with you; the internet is a fickle substitute for interaction. I can drive, drag me out of the shell sometime. Just not to a movie. Something... interesting. I've got the money, board games, and time you just supply the place and idea! At any rate, happy holidays. And happy thereafter. I know this sounds like a farewell post and in some ways it is, because after a quick downhill trot we'll be headed to a whole different world of college. For now, though, the best thing I can say is "thanks." Cheers!