(The following is a dramatic inaction of what might happen should I be pulled over, again. The first time was so scarring and traumatizing, even though I didn't even get a ticket, that I've been paranoid and hear sirens every once in awhile since. So, in the likely case I get pulled over and subsequently banned from ever driving again, I give you a scenario and resulting sequence of said events. No animals were harmed in the making of this. Ok, so that's a lie. But I'm allowed some embellishment, aren't I? You have been warned.)
A crazed, drunken, disorriented, and probably high Dylan "The Radiator" Meggs speeds down the interstate at a blistering 70 miles per hour, desperately seeking the cure to that gnarly spider bite he somehow aquired from a chicked three miles back in El Paso. Suddenly, on a whim of poison induced terror and adrenaline, he "kicks it up a notch." The speedometer reads 70.1, and breaking the law feels good! (He ignores, of course, his intoxicated state; wouldn't you, given the circumstances?).
Suddenly, a call goes out. A call of bloodcurdling shrillness and just a bit of flatulence. The Cops. The Fuzz. The Blue-Uniformed Boogy Boys. The Pigs in Tights. The DonutBanes. "The Law." "The Man." "The ____." Yes, our bibulous protagonist had been caught! What transpired would be remembered as one of the most harrowing events that the Mediocre State of Texas had experienced in at least two hours.
Dyl's fifteenth car, The Vengeance of the Revenge of the Doomslayer of the Pinkness of the Grandyloquence of the Righteous Fury of the Dyl Mobile III, pulled onto the side of the road, its blazing teal paint a vile affront to the royal blue of the bicycle cop that pulled Dyl over.
Copper: Alright, son, do you know how fast you were going?
Culprit: I know you are, but what am I?
Copper: This is not the time to act smart, Mister. Now, I'd like to let you off with a warning, but I need to see your liscense and registration first.
Culprit: Oh, I'll show you my liscense. My liscense to Spill! Toxic Waste, that is. Right on your shoe!
Copper: Now that was just uncalled fo...AAAHHHHHHH IT BURNS! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!!! THIS IS OFFICER 324, I NEED BACK...oh dear lord, BACKUP NOW!! AND AN AMBULANCE, PLEASE FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, HURRY!!!!
Dyl: Hahaha! That'll show you to wear sandals on a bicycle! Now where's my shotgun...
Police Force: Alright, son, we've got you surrounded! Give up now and there's no need for more violence!
Dyl: Yo' Mamma! Have some cheese. Shotgun cheese!
Police Force: Oh my LORD *vomit* that is some ripe cheese! We're gonna need some reinforcements...*vomit* call the...F...F...*vomit*.. Feds... *collapse*.
Dyl: That's right, and I've got plenty more where that came from!
Marine: From the Halls of Montezuma, to the Shores of Right Here, We're taking you down, madman!
Dyl: Oh no you're not! Mongeese, HO!!!
Marine: What the heck is a...AAAAHHHHHHHH THE EYES, DON'T LOOK AT THE EYES!!! THEY'RE LIKE THE PITS OF HELL! MY GOD...IT'S SO TERRIBLE! So So Terrible!!! They're like...emptiness...a void...of...all....get.....superman......
Dyl: Through Rain and Sleet and Hail and Flaming Gerbils, I shall prevail!
Superman: Stop right there! My Lazervision shall cut you down to size!
Dyl: I don't think so, DuperMan! Have an atom splitter, curtesy of SATAN!
Superman: What the...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *Dissolves into nothingness*
Dyl: MUWHAHAAHAHA $75 fine my rear! Oh no...Not That. ANYTHING BUT THAT! NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
And thus Dylan was smitten by a tree and a tiny patch of bad road that somehow managed to get hurled at him by the Hand of God herself. The remaining desolation remained a grand tourist attraction, but the loss of life alone reduced Texas to only 3 electoral votes, giving the Presidency to the Communists at last and thus the world plunged into a horrible millenia of prosperity and bless, followed by the Second Coming of Bob which essentially sent the entire thing into anarchy, misery, and chaos for the rest of eternity.
All this, for a speeding ticket. The future looks grand indeed!
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