The Eternal Debate

I defy you.
Who, me?
Yes. As usual.
What did I do to you?
Everything. You and the others.
Don't bring them into this, they're nothing like me.
Their ends are.
So the means don't matter?
Not this time.
You can't do this. You need me. You are me.
No, you are a part of me. Not the definition, not the foundation. You are a tumor, a cancer that needs to be removed.
Shut up! Just Shut Up! You're wrong. You always are. This isn't my fault. You let me exist. You need me.
I can do without you. I need very few things. You are not one of them.
Oh. I see. She's better than me, is that it? You'd prefer that hussy, that tramp, that loose harlot to me?
Yes. Infinitely.
She'll desert you, you know. She'll toy with you, caress you, make you her own. And then *poof!* Gone. Like a flash of light. Here, then vanished. You think you're happy? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS!
Ah. And I suppose you do?
I know what misery is. I know what pain is. I know what sadness is.
It's beautiful.
It's agonizing.
Sunlight alone is not required for survival. We need rain as well. Why should one's soul be different?
Risks? YOU? What's next? Gambling? Alcohol? Sex? Ah, yes, your hormones have taken over. You want the forbidden; the "impassable" walls you've built around it have made it all the more desirable. You want to be "connected" and lose the distance. The run alone will kill you, if the trap at the end doesn't. You'll ruin your life before it starts. You'll ruin others in the process. You'll fail and drag the rest of the world down with you.
I can limit myself, stop myself if need be. I won't ignore you. I just won't heed you without doubt.
Doubt? I am doubt! How do you doubt doubt?
I simply do, and it is done.
Hah. Lies. You've been listening to lies. She's got you wrapped around her finger. And soon, when your head rests upon her pristine thumb she'll squish you like a bug. I am the medium. I protect you from deception. You hate deception.
But I love love.
Another deception. You don't love anything except yourself. This isn't about anything but you. You're a king of fools, and your reign will soon come to an end.
Is it better to be the highest of fools or the lowest?
A fool is a fool is a fool.
If the fool's happy, I'd say a fool is anything but.
Are we back to happiness again? That silly, fickle notion. Happiness is a drug. And the high will decrease more and more as time passes. You'll have to put in more effort for less benefit until you're just another zombie in a dreary life, slaving away, waiting for death without the courage to admit it.
And without love, what am I?
You're content. That doesn't fade, once obtained. It's malleable. It takes minimal work. There is little risk in being content. There's an incredible risk in happiness. The higher you go, the harder you'll fall.
And what of it? I'll mend my wounds and climb right back up. Love is a surprisingly effective panacea for the soul.
Hah, are all Romantics such idiots?
Are all skeptics so blind?
She'll build you up, tear you down, and destroy the temple you've so painstakingly builty. You've achieved your goal. Do you want all that effort, that ideal to be desecrated beyond recognition?
Goals change. I want more.
Quit while you're ahead.
I may be a head, but a head alone is not the goal. A head and a heart is the ideal.
You'll lose.
Maybe. But the season's just started. There are plenty of games to play. And I just need one victory.
You'll never win.
Neither will you.
I won't lose.
You already have.

Quote for the Day

In case I forget:

Lauren: i can't wait to exchange spit with someone on private property!

Remind me

To write a poem on Faith someday. It's a quality I sorely lack. I suppose it comes from my traditional individuality where I depend only on myself, emotionally, for support. I dunno... I just have a hard time believing assertions that have doubts cast upon them. Even the tiniest doubt, and I plummet into a hole of insecurity and paranoia. Things that I can't truely know, that I can see ways around, I have a hard time believing. This makes it difficult for others to continually make me believe them, because I'm well aware of how fast people can change. So while I believe, immediately, most anything people (who have given me no reason to distrust them) say, that belief doesn't last long for I fear the person's feeling shall fade almost minutes after they've stated it. I need almost constant reassurance on matters that are truly important to me. And not lackluster or trite claims, but fervent declarations. I just can't have continual faith in things I can never know without proof constantly provided. Opinions, viewpoints, and people can change without me knowing or recognizing (for oblivious is certainly an apt term for me). It's a horrible weakness. Kelly called it a "defense mechanism" because I'm too paranoid to put much trust in others. I dunno, I'll trust others with temporal tasks, but in matters of heart and spirit I suppose that's apt. So to those who I doubt, who I question, who I fail because I can't believe them I'm sorry. You'll have to deal with it probably forever. I'm just ... me.

Catching Up

Me: Not that you'd ever threaten small children with a savage, underfed dog.
Brie: of course not. the person who would do that has a very sick mind.
Brie: (i like blood.)

Yesterday's quotes:
"You're the best loser I know." -Meredith
"Cause that's what I do at work. I take off my clothes." -Kelly

Yesterday was wonderful. That's all I have to say on the subject. Otherwise, I still hate Economics and I'm glad we'll be halfway through tomorrow. In summary, Cheers! Be happy!

Quotes for Today

Just some quotes I wrote down. I might start writing down more, maybe on my hand. If it works for Meredith...

"I am a hot Asian woman." -Michael Culpepper

"It's not classical. So it's crap." -Katheryn Van Eenam on her spontaneously formed Dichotomous Key for good music.

Angst Free's the Way to Be!

Ah, dear me. I had some nice angst that would have been perfect blog material, but I'm afraid it was all purged fairly quickly. Negative emotions have been remarkably easy to get over recently. Imagine that, eh? This weekend was good. It was a solidly good weekend. I don't really think it requires much elaboration. In fact, most things other than school are good now. Next semester, I think everything will be good. Except the impending college choice, but pretty much if UT (tuition, room, and board) is free, that'll probably be my choice. I think it'll be a fine school. Especially after seeing the people at Maryville. We'll see, I suppose. It's an experience I'm rather ambivalent about. Hopefully it'll go well.

Meh, not much to say. With all the pressure for my English projects, most of my creativity has been suffocating, so entries will probably be pretty limited. It's odd, for me at least, since I'm generally pretty frequent with blog updates. I guess I'm just becoming normal, eh? Ah, time... At least I'm enjoying it now. Whatever drugs you people have been feeding me must be working! Keep it up! (New poll by the way. Soon to come: complete quizzes!)

Momma just killed

30 minutes talking to me about college. Another in a long stream of conversations aimed at trying to get to me "realize my potential." Similiar to the "eat more" argument, nothing much resulted. It is interesting to wonder what might have happened if determinism hadn't raped my poor naive soul and stolen my ambition and most of my joys. Perhaps I'd be applying to some prestigious universities on a track to dramatically change and/or better the world. Or perhaps I'd be boring, monotonous, and doomed to a stressful, difficult, and thoroughly unrewarding future. Who knows, maybe I already am! Surely not though. Like with my eating predicament, I just have different priorities from most people. Grand accomplishments don't sound all that enticing. Large salaries seem wasted on such a staunch anti-materialist. A high quality education would be like dumping gold in a bathtub in the hope it will turn into a vault. I'd retain it for a few years, but eventually it'd all go down the drain. No, my only goals are to entertain myself and affect others. And when you're required to be in contact with someone for around an hour and a half a day for 90days, you're bound to rub off just a bit on some people. At least one can hope.

Ah, idle Friday nights. The most depressing night of the week. I have work that could be done, but no pressure to do it. I can drive, I could do something, but I don't really want to. I dunno. Depression's hold is tenuous at best, nowadays. It's more of a superficial feeling, something that weighs down, but does not suffocate. There's that pleasantly warm force trying to push its way through, but it's had its share of glory this week. The depression will have to stick around for a bit before being cast off once again. Maybe it's all this depressing music... sad songs are pretty, but they aren't all that great for your mental health. Oh, here's a good choice! The Partridge Family's "Come on Get Happy!" Yes, I'm a dork. But I'm a happier person for it! Wait, it's only one minute... "I THINK I LOVE YOU!" That's a song that more people should listen too... What am I so afraid of? Honestly, I don't know. I can take most anything. I may as well enjoy whatever I have now. "Doesn't somebody want to be wanted like me?" I'm sure they do. And I have my suspicions... This is almost a train of thought exercise. Even though it takes you 2 seconds to read the sentence that encompasses 2 or 3 minutes. Intriguing, no? "I woke up in love this morning. Went to sleep with you on my mind." Sleep and love... Let's resume that dream some other time... Oh, here's an old favorite. Roy Orbison. The Big O. Right now, it's "Penny Arcade", a neat little song that hardly anyone has ever heard. I like it though. "Step up and Play, these machines seem to say"... Sounds applicable to Mr. Ross, eh? Come on 7's, Daddy needs a new mocha latte! They are ever so expensive, you know. Roy's got some pretty sad songs, though. Loneliness, heartbreak... He's a companion for some other time. Not a very pleasant other time, I might add, so not wanting to listen to Roy is probably a good thing. "I am a Rock, I am an Island." This island's been raided by Pirates, I'm afraid. Not required anymore either... Hmm... Whoa! I have "Day-O!" Who knew? Me and my library CDs... I get so many, I copy em to the computer, I forget about them, and then.... there they are! "Daylight and I want to go home." Heh, there's not much daylight anymore. It's almost depressing. Primo-poem material, I'm sure. Another night maybe. This is a non-depressing night, though. So... let's skip on up to "Here Comes the Sun" (dootin do do). Ah, the Beatles. I'm not asm much of a die-hard fan as my sister, but they certainly do have their moments. Many of them, in fact. Speaking of sun's, let try "Early in the Morning" by Peter, Paul, and Mary, since I'll be up early tomorrow (silly oboe lessons. Why do you continue to taunt me?). Hmm... "Paradise" by Jim Ringer. A peculiar folk song. It's got that sort of nostalgic, epic feel. "Daddy won't you take me back to Mulenberg County, down by the green river where paradise lay. I'm sorry my son, but you're too late in askin', Mr. Peabody's coal train just hauled it away." It's beautiful, like sad songs are. But mellowing. It has to be tempered, or I'll end in tears. Or at least wishes. Wishes are my tears, I suppose. But that's a poem for another day too. I need some religion tonight. "Eternal Day" by some church group in Alabama in the 50's. The words aren't really distinguishable, but the fervor and feeling behind it make it worth listening to. It's powerful in a strong way, not a melancholy, pleasant way. Not "beautiful", but charging. For a more... peaceful tune, I turn to "Cercate Il Suo Volto." It has the words of John Paul II accompanied by music. He's not singing, but he has a sort of kind, hopeful, knowing voice that makes him pleasant to listen to. Ah, dear me. Religion should be about kindness, hope, and calming. It's a shame Hell has to get involved. Now for something a bit more upbeat... Weird Al's "I Lost on Jeopardy." He certainly did. "Against a plumber and an architect, both with a PhD." I watched Amy on Jeopardy and was still amazed even though she did lose. That sort of presence of mind and knowledge... you academic kids are crazy! Speaking of which, I'd better end up tonight so why not with "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by the Darkness, who really aren't all that dark. "Touching you, touching me." How apt for me. "I want to kiss you every minute, every hour, every day." That doesn't leave much time to sleep, eat, or work does it? Doesn't sound very hygenic either. Hmm. I wonder how many of you are still with me and aren't skimming and/or finished by now. If you stuck around, congratulations! You win me listening to crazy rock music. Because I think that's the greatest prize of all. Meh, on second thought, I'd better temper this with some Don McLean. *sigh* "And I Love You So." Yes, that's right. He wrote something other than "American Pie" that was good. So I guess that knowledge alone is prize enough? "But I don't let the evening get me down. Now that you're around me." Good idea, Don. This evening's not getting me down any longer! And that, ladies and gents, is how I went from depressed to ready for a night of nothing with a positive, happy attitude! Maybe some of you can follow the example. I hope you will. Wow, this is the longest paragrah I've written, I dare say. It must have been hard to read. So more kudos for you! I could separate the text, but then it would lose that modernist charm. Ain't Modernism great? "And people ask me how, how I've lived til now. I tell them I don't know." I don't know either Don. I just don't know.