Remind me

To write a poem on Faith someday. It's a quality I sorely lack. I suppose it comes from my traditional individuality where I depend only on myself, emotionally, for support. I dunno... I just have a hard time believing assertions that have doubts cast upon them. Even the tiniest doubt, and I plummet into a hole of insecurity and paranoia. Things that I can't truely know, that I can see ways around, I have a hard time believing. This makes it difficult for others to continually make me believe them, because I'm well aware of how fast people can change. So while I believe, immediately, most anything people (who have given me no reason to distrust them) say, that belief doesn't last long for I fear the person's feeling shall fade almost minutes after they've stated it. I need almost constant reassurance on matters that are truly important to me. And not lackluster or trite claims, but fervent declarations. I just can't have continual faith in things I can never know without proof constantly provided. Opinions, viewpoints, and people can change without me knowing or recognizing (for oblivious is certainly an apt term for me). It's a horrible weakness. Kelly called it a "defense mechanism" because I'm too paranoid to put much trust in others. I dunno, I'll trust others with temporal tasks, but in matters of heart and spirit I suppose that's apt. So to those who I doubt, who I question, who I fail because I can't believe them I'm sorry. You'll have to deal with it probably forever. I'm just ... me.

Catching Up

Me: Not that you'd ever threaten small children with a savage, underfed dog.
Brie: of course not. the person who would do that has a very sick mind.
Brie: (i like blood.)

Yesterday's quotes:
"You're the best loser I know." -Meredith
"Cause that's what I do at work. I take off my clothes." -Kelly

Yesterday was wonderful. That's all I have to say on the subject. Otherwise, I still hate Economics and I'm glad we'll be halfway through tomorrow. In summary, Cheers! Be happy!

Quotes for Today

Just some quotes I wrote down. I might start writing down more, maybe on my hand. If it works for Meredith...

"I am a hot Asian woman." -Michael Culpepper

"It's not classical. So it's crap." -Katheryn Van Eenam on her spontaneously formed Dichotomous Key for good music.

Angst Free's the Way to Be!

Ah, dear me. I had some nice angst that would have been perfect blog material, but I'm afraid it was all purged fairly quickly. Negative emotions have been remarkably easy to get over recently. Imagine that, eh? This weekend was good. It was a solidly good weekend. I don't really think it requires much elaboration. In fact, most things other than school are good now. Next semester, I think everything will be good. Except the impending college choice, but pretty much if UT (tuition, room, and board) is free, that'll probably be my choice. I think it'll be a fine school. Especially after seeing the people at Maryville. We'll see, I suppose. It's an experience I'm rather ambivalent about. Hopefully it'll go well.

Meh, not much to say. With all the pressure for my English projects, most of my creativity has been suffocating, so entries will probably be pretty limited. It's odd, for me at least, since I'm generally pretty frequent with blog updates. I guess I'm just becoming normal, eh? Ah, time... At least I'm enjoying it now. Whatever drugs you people have been feeding me must be working! Keep it up! (New poll by the way. Soon to come: complete quizzes!)

Momma just killed

30 minutes talking to me about college. Another in a long stream of conversations aimed at trying to get to me "realize my potential." Similiar to the "eat more" argument, nothing much resulted. It is interesting to wonder what might have happened if determinism hadn't raped my poor naive soul and stolen my ambition and most of my joys. Perhaps I'd be applying to some prestigious universities on a track to dramatically change and/or better the world. Or perhaps I'd be boring, monotonous, and doomed to a stressful, difficult, and thoroughly unrewarding future. Who knows, maybe I already am! Surely not though. Like with my eating predicament, I just have different priorities from most people. Grand accomplishments don't sound all that enticing. Large salaries seem wasted on such a staunch anti-materialist. A high quality education would be like dumping gold in a bathtub in the hope it will turn into a vault. I'd retain it for a few years, but eventually it'd all go down the drain. No, my only goals are to entertain myself and affect others. And when you're required to be in contact with someone for around an hour and a half a day for 90days, you're bound to rub off just a bit on some people. At least one can hope.

Ah, idle Friday nights. The most depressing night of the week. I have work that could be done, but no pressure to do it. I can drive, I could do something, but I don't really want to. I dunno. Depression's hold is tenuous at best, nowadays. It's more of a superficial feeling, something that weighs down, but does not suffocate. There's that pleasantly warm force trying to push its way through, but it's had its share of glory this week. The depression will have to stick around for a bit before being cast off once again. Maybe it's all this depressing music... sad songs are pretty, but they aren't all that great for your mental health. Oh, here's a good choice! The Partridge Family's "Come on Get Happy!" Yes, I'm a dork. But I'm a happier person for it! Wait, it's only one minute... "I THINK I LOVE YOU!" That's a song that more people should listen too... What am I so afraid of? Honestly, I don't know. I can take most anything. I may as well enjoy whatever I have now. "Doesn't somebody want to be wanted like me?" I'm sure they do. And I have my suspicions... This is almost a train of thought exercise. Even though it takes you 2 seconds to read the sentence that encompasses 2 or 3 minutes. Intriguing, no? "I woke up in love this morning. Went to sleep with you on my mind." Sleep and love... Let's resume that dream some other time... Oh, here's an old favorite. Roy Orbison. The Big O. Right now, it's "Penny Arcade", a neat little song that hardly anyone has ever heard. I like it though. "Step up and Play, these machines seem to say"... Sounds applicable to Mr. Ross, eh? Come on 7's, Daddy needs a new mocha latte! They are ever so expensive, you know. Roy's got some pretty sad songs, though. Loneliness, heartbreak... He's a companion for some other time. Not a very pleasant other time, I might add, so not wanting to listen to Roy is probably a good thing. "I am a Rock, I am an Island." This island's been raided by Pirates, I'm afraid. Not required anymore either... Hmm... Whoa! I have "Day-O!" Who knew? Me and my library CDs... I get so many, I copy em to the computer, I forget about them, and then.... there they are! "Daylight and I want to go home." Heh, there's not much daylight anymore. It's almost depressing. Primo-poem material, I'm sure. Another night maybe. This is a non-depressing night, though. So... let's skip on up to "Here Comes the Sun" (dootin do do). Ah, the Beatles. I'm not asm much of a die-hard fan as my sister, but they certainly do have their moments. Many of them, in fact. Speaking of sun's, let try "Early in the Morning" by Peter, Paul, and Mary, since I'll be up early tomorrow (silly oboe lessons. Why do you continue to taunt me?). Hmm... "Paradise" by Jim Ringer. A peculiar folk song. It's got that sort of nostalgic, epic feel. "Daddy won't you take me back to Mulenberg County, down by the green river where paradise lay. I'm sorry my son, but you're too late in askin', Mr. Peabody's coal train just hauled it away." It's beautiful, like sad songs are. But mellowing. It has to be tempered, or I'll end in tears. Or at least wishes. Wishes are my tears, I suppose. But that's a poem for another day too. I need some religion tonight. "Eternal Day" by some church group in Alabama in the 50's. The words aren't really distinguishable, but the fervor and feeling behind it make it worth listening to. It's powerful in a strong way, not a melancholy, pleasant way. Not "beautiful", but charging. For a more... peaceful tune, I turn to "Cercate Il Suo Volto." It has the words of John Paul II accompanied by music. He's not singing, but he has a sort of kind, hopeful, knowing voice that makes him pleasant to listen to. Ah, dear me. Religion should be about kindness, hope, and calming. It's a shame Hell has to get involved. Now for something a bit more upbeat... Weird Al's "I Lost on Jeopardy." He certainly did. "Against a plumber and an architect, both with a PhD." I watched Amy on Jeopardy and was still amazed even though she did lose. That sort of presence of mind and knowledge... you academic kids are crazy! Speaking of which, I'd better end up tonight so why not with "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by the Darkness, who really aren't all that dark. "Touching you, touching me." How apt for me. "I want to kiss you every minute, every hour, every day." That doesn't leave much time to sleep, eat, or work does it? Doesn't sound very hygenic either. Hmm. I wonder how many of you are still with me and aren't skimming and/or finished by now. If you stuck around, congratulations! You win me listening to crazy rock music. Because I think that's the greatest prize of all. Meh, on second thought, I'd better temper this with some Don McLean. *sigh* "And I Love You So." Yes, that's right. He wrote something other than "American Pie" that was good. So I guess that knowledge alone is prize enough? "But I don't let the evening get me down. Now that you're around me." Good idea, Don. This evening's not getting me down any longer! And that, ladies and gents, is how I went from depressed to ready for a night of nothing with a positive, happy attitude! Maybe some of you can follow the example. I hope you will. Wow, this is the longest paragrah I've written, I dare say. It must have been hard to read. So more kudos for you! I could separate the text, but then it would lose that modernist charm. Ain't Modernism great? "And people ask me how, how I've lived til now. I tell them I don't know." I don't know either Don. I just don't know.

It's like a Foreign Language!

-Mer on Biomedical Ethics.

Ah me. I read over some of the things I write and they're either angsty or they remind me of a little girl. I guess it's because the non-angst stuff is a tad simplistic, but pure because I try not to corrupt it. There are some words and phrases that might make it more complex, but they would adulterate the meaning. So even though what I write often seems too disjointed and incomplete, I'll take it over dirty complexities.

Speaking of dirty complexities, there was some comical movement on that front today. No, not my sex life (still in the prenatal stage, thank Allah) you silly people. I was kicked out of the library today. As many people know, I've signed fake names for over a year. Well, the librarians finally had enough and kicked me out (after I signed the first name of a student other than my own, the infamous "Ellen Lofaro" of Loaded Questions fame (she knows why). Although I don't think that's the reason they called me out). They're justified, I have been disobeying and making their lives a tad difficult, but I had my reasons. I mean, their purpose is to keep track of how many people use the room and maybe keep track of who's where. But it's a completely flawed system. You can sign-in multiple times, use almost real names of people who don't exist, and write so sloppily no one at all will know who you are without getting caught. It's just because I'd done it so consistently that they knew I was doing it. I might have reverted, but they're so uptight and mean about most everything. They don't ask, they demand. They don't laugh, they scold. They get angry. And I just don't respond well to anger. When people get angry at me I generally stop respecting their opinions. I don't like the negativity. It can just be handled better. So I kept on not "behaving my age", and they finally got tired of it. But have no fear, I'm not beaten. I'll go in tomorrow, meek and arrogant at the same time, and sign my real name. Then, gradually, I'll warp it to "Dylam Neggs" and " Mylad Seggm" when they stop checking everyday. I'll write it really sloppy too, to make them question whether I'm writing it wrong or just improperly. Things would have been a lot easier if they'd just asked my name when they found I was doing it (I come in most everyday, afterall), and said "Oh, that Dylan!" and wrote my real name since my handwriting's pretty distinct. But no, their sense of order and mindnumbing desire for law overcame whatever minute sense of humor they have. People who can't take some dissent with some laughter just annoy me...

Ah well. It was part of what made my day, at any rate. You probably wouldn't believe the other part if I told you. So I won't. The year keeps slipping along, and for some reason for every smidge it gets worse, something else counteracts it to make it quite a bit better. My stars...

Edit: I still don't think the librarians know my name after all this time. I do declare...

Star Light, Star Bright

As I travel my usual path, I'm overcome by a queer sense of despair, a loneliness I'm thoroughly unfamiliar with. Everything seems so much darker... so frightening. And I, I walk alone. Afraid, almost, of this bleak new world. What has changed? Why is it so... cold. So... dark.

I hadn't even noticed the moon's absence. I never really respected its light, until now. In fact, I never embraced the sun. I called it names, taunted it, begged it to leave me be. And when it left, the moon's light still assaulted my eyes. It was a burden. Yet now it's gone. The light, the warmth, the normality all... gone. The world is dark and cold. And I... I am alone.

The world’s sun is gone, so I turn to my star. My warmth. My sun. My moon. My light. But woe, it too is eclipsed. Some planet of more vibrant hues, greater size, larger orbit, with stronger, grander rings has passed between us. The star is not at fault, no, but still we are distant. I paid no attention to its absence, when the sun was shining and the moon lent its soft, lunar glow to the world. But now all I see are distant stars, so very far away. Where did my star go? I never realized how much warmth it had. A much needed commodity, on a night like tonight.

Ah, me. When the sun shines, a star is but a bonus. When the moon beams, a star is a comfort. But when all light fades, a star is a shining beacon against the darkness of this fickle, eternal cycle. The sun shows its shining face less and less; the once full moon is sliced night by night until finally not even a sliver remains. Then we appreciate our stars. As we stroll along on these empty nights, we seek them out. And those that have them are truly blessed.

Alas, my star is faded. I wish not on a star, but for it. Yet wishes are not realities. So I walk, alone, cold, dark. I know I too have left my star, continued on my own orbit, as it must travel its. It too has suffered as I do now. But if absence makes the heart grow fonder, let my heart stop growing and end this wretched absence! I like my star. No, I love it.