Unanimously Elected Royalty

With so many people gone, I thought it'd be an apt time to speak of that very subject. I considered writing a riddle about absence or loss, but I've already done "nothing" so I went with Ozy instead. As you might pick up from the poem, the King of Kings and I have a love/hate relationship that ends with blank stares and quite a few "eh's." I don't really know why I bother writing "poetry" as one could loosely call it, I'm supposed to be a Math man, but I'm still 17 so I can chalk it up to youthful indiscretion and be done with it when I'm adult. Handy little excuse, eh?

Anyway, back to the topic onhand. Loss. Absence. That feeling we often get when we feel so small and purposeless in a cruel, cruel world where if anyone cares, a rarity indeed, it is merely a guise to hurt or manipulate you for their own sadistic desires in order to satisfy their own insecurities. Not a pleasant feeling. I suppose attempting to block oneself off, emotionally at least, from the entirety of conscious beings normally results in a freefall into despair for the support of others who, whether you consciously acknowledge or reciprocate it or not, really do care is now torn out from under you like the main column supporting the architecture of your soul. Thus you think only to return the hate, for that is what raw apathy with no traces of love turns into, to all those who so callously have forsaken you.

Soon you come to realize that it's just been a mistake. Somehow a hole punctured in the fabric of your support network was torn asunder and although you might not notice it at the time, that small pinprick deflated a once large and buoyant balloon. Maybe it wasn't all that big to begin with, but the loss of air, no matter how much you had, is too much to bear.

Now this is almost certainly romantic hyperbole, but I'm an inverted romantic fool, so I've got the liscense and time to exert it! What this is really about is the "paved paradise" mentality. "You don't know what you've got til it's gone." I think I must be a victim of this unfortunate little syndrome, but in a delayed sort of way. I can take death and change fine. When people leave, I attribute to the process of time, inevitable, nothing more. But subconsciously that balloon begins to deflate and when I try to fall back on something, there's not as much there to cushion my fall. The loss just leaves you empty. For all a person's faults, for the few times you rarely see them, for all the annoying qualities they have, once they've gone your life seems a bit emptier. The death, the departure themselves don't mean much initially. But in time their true effects are revealed.

For me, the most recent "paradises to have been paved" are people like Elizabeth Gilliam, Austin Bowling, and my Beretta. In the case of the Beretta, I didn't realize how much it meant to me. It's dylapidated(Yes that's mispelled on purpose ;) ) condition, it's annoying stick shift, it's redneckish exterior all had a sort of rustic charm that is now gone forever. It had an aura, a being that even if it was in some ways pathetic or repugnant, it had a sort of personality whose absence was felt as much as the absence of any person.

I view myself as a sort of stoic fatalist, taking what comes and going along with the current, so I didn't think change would effect me. Indeed, one of my first thoughts upon limping out of the broken wreckage was "Confound it, I didn't die!" not "Oh my poor, wonderful car!" Similarly when Austin left for North Carolina. I took it as it came, not thinking much of it. It simply occurred, I soon forgot about it. But when he was no longer there to greet me everyday in Chemistry, no longer there to rabidly support his beloved Steelers, no longer in the band room after school for Cory and I to mingle with and discuss the "News of the Day", my life really did get emptier. Similiarly with Elizabeth G. I just took her prescense for granted, but I can no longer be a "minion." The band room is certainly emptier each afternoon, filled with strange freshmen and others, most of which I've never met or have either drifted from. The avenues of support fall one by one, each just a drop in the bucket. It's not initially clear clear their effect, but the combination adds up.

Certainly, I've compensated and expanded. I've gotten to know Cory and David better (I think, they don't speak loud enough so I may be mis-translating Silentese). I make new outlets to new people, and certainly I'm weathering this new emotional storm rather well (at the moment), with the sun soon to fill my horizon. But the loss is still felt, and so poignantly sometimes that I do indeed feel bitter and hateful towards all of the world.

And it gets worse. In a matter of monthes, the Senior class will be gone. Of course, I don't know many of them and of the few that I know, I know even fewer well, but the loss will still be felt. It's simply a fact of life. New bonds will be made just to be smashed to pieces a few moments later. Certainly if I made the effort I could retain some semblance of a "relationship" of some sort with these people, but I don't even do that now. I'm more of a "take what comes to me and let the past be what it is" kind of person. But I have to suffer the consequences that it entails too. And like most "consequences", they simply aren't pleasant.

Thus I sandsurf my way through life, letting things I should grasp hold of slip through my fingers. I can stoically accept the loneliness and regret that comes with it, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Such is the eternal circle. But that's another discussion...

On a final note, another "loss" is that of my calculator watch. Late the week before spring break, my poor, faithful little watch's battery died. Since December of 2000 or 2001, it has provided me with the time, math, and nerdiness I eeded. I would hardly ever "wear" it, even before the strap broke, preferring to sling it around on pencils or wrap it around itself. When the strap finally did break, I discovered the much preferrable method of keeping the wristwatch in my pocket and this method has served me well since. I don't believe It's not likely to be revived. It will be sorely missed.

And now, your much desired moment of silence. That is, until next time...

Doing 20 in a 70mph zone

(The following is a dramatic inaction of what might happen should I be pulled over, again. The first time was so scarring and traumatizing, even though I didn't even get a ticket, that I've been paranoid and hear sirens every once in awhile since. So, in the likely case I get pulled over and subsequently banned from ever driving again, I give you a scenario and resulting sequence of said events. No animals were harmed in the making of this. Ok, so that's a lie. But I'm allowed some embellishment, aren't I? You have been warned.)

A crazed, drunken, disorriented, and probably high Dylan "The Radiator" Meggs speeds down the interstate at a blistering 70 miles per hour, desperately seeking the cure to that gnarly spider bite he somehow aquired from a chicked three miles back in El Paso. Suddenly, on a whim of poison induced terror and adrenaline, he "kicks it up a notch." The speedometer reads 70.1, and breaking the law feels good! (He ignores, of course, his intoxicated state; wouldn't you, given the circumstances?).

Suddenly, a call goes out. A call of bloodcurdling shrillness and just a bit of flatulence. The Cops. The Fuzz. The Blue-Uniformed Boogy Boys. The Pigs in Tights. The DonutBanes. "The Law." "The Man." "The ____." Yes, our bibulous protagonist had been caught! What transpired would be remembered as one of the most harrowing events that the Mediocre State of Texas had experienced in at least two hours.

Dyl's fifteenth car, The Vengeance of the Revenge of the Doomslayer of the Pinkness of the Grandyloquence of the Righteous Fury of the Dyl Mobile III, pulled onto the side of the road, its blazing teal paint a vile affront to the royal blue of the bicycle cop that pulled Dyl over.

Copper: Alright, son, do you know how fast you were going?
Culprit: I know you are, but what am I?
Copper: This is not the time to act smart, Mister. Now, I'd like to let you off with a warning, but I need to see your liscense and registration first.
Culprit: Oh, I'll show you my liscense. My liscense to Spill! Toxic Waste, that is. Right on your shoe!
Copper: Now that was just uncalled fo...AAAHHHHHHH IT BURNS! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!!! THIS IS OFFICER 324, I NEED BACK...oh dear lord, BACKUP NOW!! AND AN AMBULANCE, PLEASE FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, HURRY!!!!
Dyl: Hahaha! That'll show you to wear sandals on a bicycle! Now where's my shotgun...
Police Force: Alright, son, we've got you surrounded! Give up now and there's no need for more violence!
Dyl: Yo' Mamma! Have some cheese. Shotgun cheese!
Police Force: Oh my LORD *vomit* that is some ripe cheese! We're gonna need some reinforcements...*vomit* call the...F...F...*vomit*.. Feds... *collapse*.
Dyl: That's right, and I've got plenty more where that came from!
Marine: From the Halls of Montezuma, to the Shores of Right Here, We're taking you down, madman!
Dyl: Oh no you're not! Mongeese, HO!!!
Marine: What the heck is a...AAAAHHHHHHHH THE EYES, DON'T LOOK AT THE EYES!!! THEY'RE LIKE THE PITS OF HELL! MY GOD...IT'S SO TERRIBLE! So So Terrible!!! They're like...emptiness...a void...of...all....get.....superman......
Dyl: Through Rain and Sleet and Hail and Flaming Gerbils, I shall prevail!
Superman: Stop right there! My Lazervision shall cut you down to size!
Dyl: I don't think so, DuperMan! Have an atom splitter, curtesy of SATAN!
Superman: What the...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *Dissolves into nothingness*
Dyl: MUWHAHAAHAHA $75 fine my rear! Oh no...Not That. ANYTHING BUT THAT! NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And thus Dylan was smitten by a tree and a tiny patch of bad road that somehow managed to get hurled at him by the Hand of God herself. The remaining desolation remained a grand tourist attraction, but the loss of life alone reduced Texas to only 3 electoral votes, giving the Presidency to the Communists at last and thus the world plunged into a horrible millenia of prosperity and bless, followed by the Second Coming of Bob which essentially sent the entire thing into anarchy, misery, and chaos for the rest of eternity.

All this, for a speeding ticket. The future looks grand indeed!

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Which is why I'm going up to Virginia for the last two days of Spring Break. Yes, it seems that "Spring Break" really consisted of me going places and doing things. And you should all know how I loathe going places and doing things. In fact, Thursday was the one day this entire "break" that I actually didn't do anything of much importance. It's a crime! Not to mention that next week marks the beginning of the most intense period of academics I've had and probably shall have for some time. 4 AP Tests! 4 of em! Ah well, I'll paddle through somehow.

Everything would be peachy, no BULLY!, if only my mind and I could get along. But apparently it is my mind's sole mission to destroy any remnants of hope or positive thinking in me. That just seems to be the case. I get some positive thinking going, hope that the future might be fun or entertaining, and then all of a sudden I'm back to nothing, trying to think of all the locations of all accessible swimming pools in the area. Love's probably pretty smug in that little box I shoved it in right now. Maybe that's what I'll do, strive to succeed just to spite it and my father (but we'll go there some other time). Eh, I've got a decent computer game right now. Maybe that'll serve as a suitable escape. Or I can write that epic poem I planned to do this week. Plenty of options...

Well, I'd better head to bed. I'll talk/see/verbally assault you people when I get back Sunday, an exhausted, embittered, but newly carred man. Until next time...

Breaking Your Own Rules...

You know the best thing about self-imposed deadlines and pacts? You can break them at any time without any real repurcussions! Who knows how many plans I've scrapped, forgotten, or completely obliberated?

Well, anyway, I'm back. My mother decided to stay an extra day, which I didn't mind too much, but all the same my break's now over halfway over. Eh, what can one do? Without distorting the time space continuum, of course. So much to say, so much to do, so much to not do, so little time... The funny thing is, during summer vacation I'll have so much time I won't know what to do with myself.

Well, I suppose the only thing I can think of to talk about is our little "mountain excursion." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It really was as pointless and silly as I figured it'd be. I suppose I just don't like "communing with nature", especially if it takes hours to get there and back. It really wasn't that bad, but the "cost vs. reward" factor just wasn't there. I can walk around in circles on a track or the roads in my neighborhood just fine. But it's still a good thing we tried.

And now I believe I'll get back to my computer game. Until next time...

Out to Lunch, Be Back Tuesday

Well, I'm off to Adams, that little town an hour out of Nashville where the Bell Witch reigned and just about nothing's happened there, ever. It's a nice little place, but it certainly isn't exactly exhilirating. Not that my normal existence is, but anyway... I'll have plenty to write about when I get back, but until then you'll have to make do without any crazed ramblings. Have a good few days. Until next time...

A drop in the bucket

Well, a minor update. We'll be doing something Saturday. Something meaning "The Plan." I've not told some people about "The Plan" because certain "people" are not tolerated well and should not be forced upon other "people." Anywho, not many posts (as you can tell by a lack of Perse) but Spring break should fix that. I'll have plenty to write about then. Now, I've got homework and slacking off on said homework. For some reason, this seems to become more of an obligation than an actual way to waste time, so in the spirit of that, I'll put it off too hehe. I'll get back in the groove during Spring Break, when I get more sleep. Ah sleep. Why hast thou forsaken me? Until next time!

I don't have Issues; I've a Year-Long subscription!

Well, I think I successfully wasted the entire day off doing next to nothing. Overall, pretty much what I expected. Now if I could only develop the skill of sleeping late, I'd be set. Unfortunately, I seem to lack the ability to fall back asleep once I wake up in the morning (morning mean sun is up). It's rather unfortunate, possibly contributing to my recent experiences of deprivation of energy (a combination of malnourishment, lack of sleep, the adjustment my eyes have to make from years of glasses to focusing differently from contacts, and the fact that I have to pull all my energy, including any positiveness from some source like a "soul") which result to a chronic slow down of brain functions around Chemistry everyday. It's a strange little phenomenom and makes me go a bit crazy every afternoon. Ok, so it's not only in the afternoon, but it's a bit more frenzied then!

Otherwise, things are going well. Occasionaly breaching wonderful and fantastic. It's a tad disturbing, but it's certainly an improvement of the previous situation of misery followed by brief elation, then more misery. Once you realize that depression, sadness, and despair are such worthless emotions, it's just matter of pushing them away. Be happy because you want to be happy, you don't need any other reasons. Sounds easy, eh? It normally is, surprisingly enough, but when I feel myself slipping back into the chasm, I just tap into Hope and I rocket back to the surface.

With misery generally taken care of, I can move on to figuring out other things. It's a peculiar thing, my mind. When I'm trying to analyze my beliefs, those core ideas that make up my moral system and what I stand for, it can be rather difficult. I "forget" a lot about why I believe certain things, so it just becomes a matter of course to believe then. Then they get twisted around and mangled to the point that I act and believe things that, when analyzed, I see are wrong and not what I'd like to be. I suppose that's what one gets for trying to constantly improve one's outlook while simultaneously worrying about all sorts of silly things and depriving oneself of most of the essentials of existence. I suppose my poor memory and retaining skills are also part of the reason I have a hard time "pulling things together." As you may have noticed, I'm not the most linear of writers. I'm sporadic and verbose, rambling from who knows where to knows where who. I suppose it makes me "dynamic", but the core of your being isn't exactly the sort of thing you want to constantly change.

I suppose it happens to everyone. If it didn't, we'd all be speaking like babies and probably not exist period. But it certainly seems like my inability to keep even myself straight leads to general confusion and mental anarchy. Needless to say, it can become rather trying and leads to me doing and saying things that I fundamentally disagree with, but don't realize for some time. For instance my psycho analysis has certainly applied in the past and partially in the present, but to what extent I'm not really sure. I've created a situation for myself where I have plenty of integrity to everyone but myself. Good fun for all, I suppose.

I believe I've gotten over my aversion to driving more than one person (as per the legal limit) in the form of civil disobedience. I disagree with the law, and as says Thoreau I shouldn't follow it. If I do get caught, it'll be simply dylicious to explain that I did it because it's what I learned in school. The relevance of this is that I've passed one obstacle to a mountain expedition. The others being direction, logistics, time, people, and a justification in my mind as to why I can't just walk in circles on a track for four hours instead of such a vast excursion. All easy enough to overcome. We simply must do something over the break. Either mountains or wraslin'. Maybe both...

And on one final note, I'll be starting the free-fall story sometime soon, this weekend or spring break. If you want in you absolutely must contact me. You all know you want to. It's good, clean, diabolical fun. Really. It is.

And on that note, I'll bid you farewell and a pleasant weekend. Until next time...