Big business took another hit today. Allegations against corporate tycoon and mass landowner “Rich Uncle” Pennybags were brought up earlier today. Charges such as money laundering, extortion, tax evasion, bribery, inappropriate relations with inanimate objects, theft, and more have all surfaced earlier today. Pennybags, known for his trademark top hat and shady corporate dealings, has been the source of many past charges, some of which the reader may remember, but this latest set may finally put the mad man behind bars for good.
Foremost of the new allegations is the charge that Mr. Pennybags has been printing his own money and using it to increase his property value and buying power. Pennybags owns a variety of land from run down shacks in the Mediterranean (already in clear violation of building and health codes) to elaborate estates in North Carolina, home of notorious mobsters and ex-Enron executives.
Also, expenses credited to Pennybags’s company, Pennybags Incorporated, are under investigation. Charges such as “Business Supper with Shoe”, “Thursday Night Thimble Meeting”, “Evening Entertaining Iron”, frequent trips to the “Boardwalk”, and others are especially concerning. Pennybags is notorious for his blatant abuse of his personality and power, swaying local beauty contest officials, stealing public funds, extorting illegal marriage taxes, using tax loopholes to gain money through unemployment benefits, holding a general monopoly over the Boarding District, and more.
Although charged before, Pennybags has used mysterious colored slips of paper to avoid any confinement within federal facilities. This brings up further charges against the local police force who are being called out for failure to cite Miranda Rights, arbitrary and completely random arrests, a flagrant speed trap apprehending even lawful individuals, not to mention bribery and poorly guarded prisons.
A tenant of Pennybags describes him more as a mad dictator. “ The man is clearly daft. He treats us as if we’re pawns in some sort of game! He sells our homes to his pet dog and luxury sports car and buys them back after they’ve decimated everything! His sports car for crying out loud! Not only that, but he uses his own personal cannons and battleships to wage wars for his own amusement on our front yards. He’ll buy houses and hotels, erect them in one day, and demolish them an hour later with no warning to the poor residents whatsoever! He’s a menace that needs to be stopped!”
Pennybags Inc.’s owner, the P&B Corp., said through a spokesman “We’re shocked at these frivolous and obviously unsubstantiated charges! Mr. Pennybags is a model citizen who is a staunch supporter of all things American. After conducting our own investigation we fully expect to welcome Mr. Pennybags back into the P&B family.”
Pennybags had this to say as being escorted to a waiting police car. “This is just another example of the liberal media trying to take trumped up, minor incidents and use them discredit and take down successful businessmen! It’s all part of a vast communist conspiracy to tear down all that this country is made of. Mark my words, this is just the beginning!”
Pennybags arch-rival “ Brother Comrade” Nocash Foreyu made no comment but only let out a deep, maniacal laugh as he jumped onto his solid black winged unicorn and rode into the sunset followed by his legions of yellow hatted leprechauns singing "Turkey in the Straw."
Pennybags is scheduled to begin preliminary hearings November 31.
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