I don't want to lose the friends I've made. Kathryn van Eenam was telling me about her "Death List." No, I don't mean opponents of Roger Federer (her one true love and messiah)... (he's a famous tennis player). It's a list of people she'd like to know if they die. Kind of a weird idea, but the idea is rather endearing. Persisting friendships, despite a lack of correspondence.
I'm worried that, as I grow older, I'll lose my friends and end up more or less "alone." Friends are nice because they're people you enjoy, who you know you enjoy. Unlike coworkers, they're sort of "sure things." I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose the people who cheer me up, even if they don't even realize they're doing it. Who make me feel like I have people out there who care, people who know me.
I've sort of surprised myself in how well I've been able to keep up with the people I knew from high school (the ones I associated with the most). For instance, I still talk to David Duncan, David Sugue, Ellen, and Cory on a pretty regular basis, in one form or another. And I like that. I mean, I've made new friends. But I don't want to sacrifice the old ones at their expenses. I know things change and people become distant. But I don't want to completely lose hold of people from my past. Instant messenging is a great asset in this department, and fortunately although much of my time is taken now, I've been able to maintain plenty of old and new relationships.
Will it continue? I don't know. I hope so. We'll see. It'd be kind of nice, though, to look back 4, 10, 20 years in the future and be able to say "You know what? I still keep in touch with people I knew from high school. More than a bi-monthly pity party, but actually keep up with them and even, heaven forbid, real life association with them."
I know most of you will fade. That's just how things happen. I just don't want it all to go. I don't want to be alone. I mean, even if I do find a wife/significant other, I still want friends to partay/loaf around with. Are the two mutually exclusive? Maybe. I hope not. So much speculation...
Just remember. Gone, but not forgotten. Not forgotten for many, many, many years...
Saturday, October 15
Saturday, October 8
Premonitions of Perturbitude
Drunk people drive me crazy. For instance, my father drunk just talks on and on and on, so you stand there and nod your head for 20 minutes as he tells you "writing and teaching are the most important professions a man can have" or noble or honorable or something, presumably to justify my less than fantastic career choice/college. He'll vicariously through me one way or the other, I suppose. Maybe that's overly cynical, but it's not too farfetched either.
At any rate, that's preferable to trying to leave, then he just gets angry and things rapidly go downhill. So, tonight, I wonder whether my roommate is getting intimate with some J-E-L-L-O (It's Underage!) shots. So here's my question:
Is the drinking worse after a win or after a loss?
Thoughts?
At any rate, that's preferable to trying to leave, then he just gets angry and things rapidly go downhill. So, tonight, I wonder whether my roommate is getting intimate with some J-E-L-L-O (It's Underage!) shots. So here's my question:
Is the drinking worse after a win or after a loss?
Thoughts?
Tuesday, October 4
My answer to this. Reciprocity's a lovely thing...
In the beginning God created Man. And then he thought Man needed a companion, so he created Woman. But Man liked to sleep a lot and woman wanted to go out and shop or something, so God created the clitoris. Woman promptly forgot about it and kept complaining. So God created marriage so man would have to at least pretend to listen to woman until she finally shut her trap. Woman, however, never did stop talking, so God invented senility and woman finally started making sense. Then God got annoyed and created prostrate and breast cancer to kill them both off ironically. The End.
In the beginning God created Man. And then he thought Man needed a companion, so he created Woman. But Man liked to sleep a lot and woman wanted to go out and shop or something, so God created the clitoris. Woman promptly forgot about it and kept complaining. So God created marriage so man would have to at least pretend to listen to woman until she finally shut her trap. Woman, however, never did stop talking, so God invented senility and woman finally started making sense. Then God got annoyed and created prostrate and breast cancer to kill them both off ironically. The End.
Sunday, October 2
Clarifications
On women:
My pursuit of a wife might strike you as a bit of objectification, but I'd like to argue that it's quite the contrary. The reason I worry about it so is that I realize when one gets older, the amount of time spent outside of work with other adults rapidly diminishes. Your interactions are mainly limited to coworkers without children and whomever you happen to meet at some shady bar every Friday night while you're crying yourself to peanuts, getting drunk on sleep. Or... yeah. I'd like to at least have someone with me whose company I really enjoy, who'll make every day that much more interesting so my time not at work doesn't rapidly dissolve into existential anguish. I'm not saying it necessarily will, but I know myself, and I know I do better when I'm not alone. Having a partner-in-crime who matches my sense of humor, imagination, nonjudgmental ethics, and oh so sexyness would be truly wonderful.
On Math:
Some of you might be a tad confused as to why I dropped Mathematics. It's really not too terribly surprising, but then you've not been in my head for...um... ever, so you might be a bit taken aback. You see, the reason I like Math is that it makes sense. Math is objective, you're either right or wrong. Not only that, but Math is generally simple in its objectivity. You have to know a few methods and formulas, but you don't have to worry about all sorts of tricks and exceptions like you might in science and language. You also don't have to know a lot, like you would in history. It's comforting, something you can always rely on. There's a sense of safety and surety when you perform a math problem and you fully understand every aspect of it to the point you're certain it is 100% correct. Math would be easy to teach, too. The curriculum is always the same, it's laid out for you, you just have to spit it back at the kids and spit in creative ways until it gets in their heads. Er... did I just use making out as a metaphor for teaching Math? You bet I did! See, it's even sexy!
However, Math just isn't that useful. Everyone has to write/communicate, no matter what they do. Realistically, though, Math just isn't needed for most people. Mr. Petko is infamous for his "Math is urrywer," and he's partially right. But, for instance, physics literally is everywhere, yet most people couldn't tell you why a ramp makes it easier to move something. Math is in a lot of places, but most people really don't need to know much past Algebra. For certain professions, sure, but for most people?
English, done right, is an amalgamation of writing/reading/philsophy/ethics/creative impetus. You've got lots of wiggle room and can justify doing just about anything in the name of education. It's just more... comprehensive. More likely to bring fulfilment.
Anyway, that's all that comes to mind at the moment. If you want a better explanation IM/email me and I'll be glad to comply.
My pursuit of a wife might strike you as a bit of objectification, but I'd like to argue that it's quite the contrary. The reason I worry about it so is that I realize when one gets older, the amount of time spent outside of work with other adults rapidly diminishes. Your interactions are mainly limited to coworkers without children and whomever you happen to meet at some shady bar every Friday night while you're crying yourself to peanuts, getting drunk on sleep. Or... yeah. I'd like to at least have someone with me whose company I really enjoy, who'll make every day that much more interesting so my time not at work doesn't rapidly dissolve into existential anguish. I'm not saying it necessarily will, but I know myself, and I know I do better when I'm not alone. Having a partner-in-crime who matches my sense of humor, imagination, nonjudgmental ethics, and oh so sexyness would be truly wonderful.
On Math:
Some of you might be a tad confused as to why I dropped Mathematics. It's really not too terribly surprising, but then you've not been in my head for...um... ever, so you might be a bit taken aback. You see, the reason I like Math is that it makes sense. Math is objective, you're either right or wrong. Not only that, but Math is generally simple in its objectivity. You have to know a few methods and formulas, but you don't have to worry about all sorts of tricks and exceptions like you might in science and language. You also don't have to know a lot, like you would in history. It's comforting, something you can always rely on. There's a sense of safety and surety when you perform a math problem and you fully understand every aspect of it to the point you're certain it is 100% correct. Math would be easy to teach, too. The curriculum is always the same, it's laid out for you, you just have to spit it back at the kids and spit in creative ways until it gets in their heads. Er... did I just use making out as a metaphor for teaching Math? You bet I did! See, it's even sexy!
However, Math just isn't that useful. Everyone has to write/communicate, no matter what they do. Realistically, though, Math just isn't needed for most people. Mr. Petko is infamous for his "Math is urrywer," and he's partially right. But, for instance, physics literally is everywhere, yet most people couldn't tell you why a ramp makes it easier to move something. Math is in a lot of places, but most people really don't need to know much past Algebra. For certain professions, sure, but for most people?
English, done right, is an amalgamation of writing/reading/philsophy/ethics/creative impetus. You've got lots of wiggle room and can justify doing just about anything in the name of education. It's just more... comprehensive. More likely to bring fulfilment.
Anyway, that's all that comes to mind at the moment. If you want a better explanation IM/email me and I'll be glad to comply.
How bout them... Rebels?
I went back to West Friday night for their Homecoming game. Kinda interesting how things can change from one year to the next. Gone were the cheerleaders semi-interesting signs about beating the other team. Instead, we get solid advertisements. The band even had to go back to play part of the third quarter instead of just being dismissed after halftime. But plenty stayed the same.
I tried to catch up with as many people as offered themselves, but I think I was a tad deficient in that particular regard. At any rate, it was nice to hear that the Cardboard Club is continuing, even if it is just a small, pitiful little thing. It was nice to see Bonnie and Meredith and Laura (who looked great in her homecoming regalia, along with 80s reject Ian), although I didn't talk to them too much. I guess they know where to find me already ;). I talked quite a bit to Katheryn, and it made me miss all the carefree days of band shenanigans that seem too long ago. Another instance of the "don't know what you miss until you remember what you had." It was nice, though, to talk to everyone. Of course Cory was there too, but Cory hardly ever talks to anyone other than me anyway.
Oh, I've also pretty much decided to drop my Math major. Numerous reasons, including the new revelation by Mrs. Jackson that if you're certified to teach Math, they'll never let you teach anything else because math teachers are so needed. I certainly don't want to only teach Math, but I could stand only teaching English, so that's the route I'm looking at. Of course, the "English major only" thing is scary in terms of employment, so if I can I'd like to double major in something else. At the moment Sociology looks like a good candidate. It appears they're doing preliminaries for AP Sociology, which should be ready around the time I graduate with my masters (ideally). That means there would be a demand for someone to teach the class, but also a demand for someone certified to teach other courses as well. Ideally, of course. It's exciting just thinking about it.
Oh, by the way, I shouldn't worry since my roommate's only had four shots. He's fine. Really.
*would cry self to sleep, but couldn't due to all the yelling*
I tried to catch up with as many people as offered themselves, but I think I was a tad deficient in that particular regard. At any rate, it was nice to hear that the Cardboard Club is continuing, even if it is just a small, pitiful little thing. It was nice to see Bonnie and Meredith and Laura (who looked great in her homecoming regalia, along with 80s reject Ian), although I didn't talk to them too much. I guess they know where to find me already ;). I talked quite a bit to Katheryn, and it made me miss all the carefree days of band shenanigans that seem too long ago. Another instance of the "don't know what you miss until you remember what you had." It was nice, though, to talk to everyone. Of course Cory was there too, but Cory hardly ever talks to anyone other than me anyway.
Oh, I've also pretty much decided to drop my Math major. Numerous reasons, including the new revelation by Mrs. Jackson that if you're certified to teach Math, they'll never let you teach anything else because math teachers are so needed. I certainly don't want to only teach Math, but I could stand only teaching English, so that's the route I'm looking at. Of course, the "English major only" thing is scary in terms of employment, so if I can I'd like to double major in something else. At the moment Sociology looks like a good candidate. It appears they're doing preliminaries for AP Sociology, which should be ready around the time I graduate with my masters (ideally). That means there would be a demand for someone to teach the class, but also a demand for someone certified to teach other courses as well. Ideally, of course. It's exciting just thinking about it.
Oh, by the way, I shouldn't worry since my roommate's only had four shots. He's fine. Really.
*would cry self to sleep, but couldn't due to all the yelling*
Thursday, September 29
Girl Culture
No, I don't mean yeast infections (sorry, had to do it). I mean that I went to a lecture by Lauren Greenfield about her exhibition of photography called Girl Culture. It was fascinating to me, as most personal, revealing works are (more on it later), but it also spurred my thinking on women and the way I view them. It's just a recent development that I've become noticeably superficial. As I was thinking about it, I remembered that I didn't start analyzing superficially until this summer when I was in Virginia. Partially as a result of my isolation from others my age and partially because I was bored, I began to evaluate appearances just to see if I could tell whether I found someone physically appealing or not. Since then the habit has stuck. I've been doing it fairly consistently, and I really think it needs to stop. I need to stop thinking of girls as girls in lieu of just "other people." It's like some mental segregation in mind, and after thinking on it I've decided I don't like it. Even if it may have heightened my senses in the search for a love/lust interest, I've found that sort of thing isn't too terribly important, at least to the point where I'd actively seek it out.
I also began thinking about my subconscious desire to be recognized/famous. This needs to stop. It's been sneaking up on me after I expelled it awhile ago, and it's made me start feeling rather worthless and inferior. One of the entire points of 18 was to commemorate the regular individual, and as I also learned in 18 most people aren't really going to be concerned with your activities that don't directly involve them, especially to the extent you'd desire. I don't need to be famous, I don't need to be recognized, and I certainly don't need to be better than anyone else. I need to be happy, I need to enjoy my life, I need to help others do both of those along with me, and that is absolutely it. Ok self?
So, mental checklist: Stop thinking of girls as girls and stop thinking of self as needing to assert worth/superiority.
At any rate, Mrs. Greenfield's exhibit was fairly interesting. It was sickening, to see the rampant superificiality and materialism. The pictures of the anorexic models/younger girls made me squirm in my seat in disgust. I also found it disheartening to hear about a girl on a college track team who got thrown off her team for stripping (the way she had to pay her way through college). The way they found out she was a stripper was when the school's entire football team came in as patrons and revealed her position. Pretty sick, eh?
I was fortunate enough to ask Mrs. Greenfield, who appeared to be a pretty intelligent, witty woman a question. I asked "In our society it seems like sexuality is really taboo, in terms of TV, movies, and video games, especially compared to violence, and yet in your work and our culture it seems to run rampant. How do you think it's possible that these two coexist?" She responded, laughing, "Oh, a hard one for my last question. I don't know. I guess I'd better take another question." I was rather disappointed. I thought someone who'd spent so much time investigating this culture of sexuality might have some insight into how it exists inside a society that aims to crush it. Ah well.
I also began thinking about my subconscious desire to be recognized/famous. This needs to stop. It's been sneaking up on me after I expelled it awhile ago, and it's made me start feeling rather worthless and inferior. One of the entire points of 18 was to commemorate the regular individual, and as I also learned in 18 most people aren't really going to be concerned with your activities that don't directly involve them, especially to the extent you'd desire. I don't need to be famous, I don't need to be recognized, and I certainly don't need to be better than anyone else. I need to be happy, I need to enjoy my life, I need to help others do both of those along with me, and that is absolutely it. Ok self?
So, mental checklist: Stop thinking of girls as girls and stop thinking of self as needing to assert worth/superiority.
At any rate, Mrs. Greenfield's exhibit was fairly interesting. It was sickening, to see the rampant superificiality and materialism. The pictures of the anorexic models/younger girls made me squirm in my seat in disgust. I also found it disheartening to hear about a girl on a college track team who got thrown off her team for stripping (the way she had to pay her way through college). The way they found out she was a stripper was when the school's entire football team came in as patrons and revealed her position. Pretty sick, eh?
I was fortunate enough to ask Mrs. Greenfield, who appeared to be a pretty intelligent, witty woman a question. I asked "In our society it seems like sexuality is really taboo, in terms of TV, movies, and video games, especially compared to violence, and yet in your work and our culture it seems to run rampant. How do you think it's possible that these two coexist?" She responded, laughing, "Oh, a hard one for my last question. I don't know. I guess I'd better take another question." I was rather disappointed. I thought someone who'd spent so much time investigating this culture of sexuality might have some insight into how it exists inside a society that aims to crush it. Ah well.
Wednesday, September 28
I went tutoring again at the elementary school today. It's a regular lesson in child psychology. It was kind of sad, too. They were all so... competitive. It seemed like they didn't really have friends, just competitors. Many of them had really bad attitudes, of course they wouldn't listen to us, and there was even a little alpha male with a tiny gang that picked fights. And these kids are like 9. *sigh*
The good news is that when they got some 1 on 1 attention they were pretty motivated to read/work. But it takes a lot of doing. I have no idea how elementary school teachers can work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, fo 30 years. It's astonishing.
The good news is that when they got some 1 on 1 attention they were pretty motivated to read/work. But it takes a lot of doing. I have no idea how elementary school teachers can work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, fo 30 years. It's astonishing.