Hello Darkness my Old Friend

You know, I like Math because it's easy. Not, perhaps, in execution, but in conclusion. In math, there is one right answer. There are no difficult choices, no ambiguity, no ethical dilemmas, no alternate conclusions. I don't have to make choices in math. There is an appropriate method, tried and true, for each problem. There may be simple complexities, but they're easily identified and dealt with if you have the tools.

Life is not so simple. Although I'm sure to some higher power it would be possible, I lack the ability to isolate aspects of a complex situation and eventually arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. I can destroy parts, but then the result isn't as pleasant as it needs to be. So I shy away from the difficult questions with no right answers. I try not to answer them and hope they'll become simpler as time goes on, or perhaps someone else will answer them for me. But no one does, I'm afraid. My problems are my own, and I have to answer them myself. I can rationalize most any action I could take, from callous destruction of emotion to suicide (I repeated myself, a pity...) and actually believe the logic is sound. The sad part is, you wouldn't be able to convince me otherwise. I'd forgotten how good I was at misery and justifying it. I can tell I've changed, though, because now I don't let myself get away with it. I see my little escape routes for what they are, and after brief struggles I try to do the right thing. The problems recur, though, and I need support. I'm just afraid to lean on people because I know I'll break most of them, for when I get negative I get really negative. So I stand on my own two feet, trying to bear the burden alone. There is no "dylan and someone" to stand by me and prop me up. I'm just "D- M-." Or "Washington Irving", depending.

Meh. Optimistic realism is the goal, so let's swim towards it. Things will get better if we let them. In fact, they're already quite good with the right perspective. When you're given a tool you've got to use it productively, not hurt yourself with it. Me hammering my fingers instead of the nail with reason and sawing of hands instead of boards with rationale will only lead to more bleeding. Being positive is ever so much better than pessimism. My father's shown me that. The second mouse gets the cheese, eh?

To Grandparents' House I Go

Be back Saturday. Have a good Thanksgiving everyone. Be safe, be happy, and be thankful I'm not a serial killer. Yet... Cheers!

"Don't underestimate my sanity." -Belinda, my oboe teacher.

"All children want me for Christmas." -Meredith, on her middle name whose origin is from a fictious pony of her mother's childhood fantasies.

And the Dylan said...

"RAWR!!!"

Bleh. Apparently UT offers a scholarship to National Merit Semifinalists and Finalists (of $4000 and $8000 respectively) if they choose UT as their first choice college. I put Maryville as my first choice. So all I can do now is hope the little postcard reaches the National Merit people in time to change my choice. If it works, I'll have $16000 guaranteed, no competitive scholarships required. I wouldn't be taking money from those who might deserve it more, and if I made Finalist college would be completely free! It just angers me that I didn't know sooner. Ah well. What will be will be. Better now than never, eh?

AAAAAHHHHH

Calculus (4 sections), Economics, and TONS and TONS of ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!

And someone's hidden my glove.

I want next semester.... *sigh*

The Eternal Debate

I defy you.
Who, me?
Yes. As usual.
What did I do to you?
Everything. You and the others.
Don't bring them into this, they're nothing like me.
Their ends are.
So the means don't matter?
Not this time.
You can't do this. You need me. You are me.
No, you are a part of me. Not the definition, not the foundation. You are a tumor, a cancer that needs to be removed.
Shut up! Just Shut Up! You're wrong. You always are. This isn't my fault. You let me exist. You need me.
I can do without you. I need very few things. You are not one of them.
Oh. I see. She's better than me, is that it? You'd prefer that hussy, that tramp, that loose harlot to me?
Yes. Infinitely.
She'll desert you, you know. She'll toy with you, caress you, make you her own. And then *poof!* Gone. Like a flash of light. Here, then vanished. You think you're happy? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS!
Ah. And I suppose you do?
I know what misery is. I know what pain is. I know what sadness is.
It's beautiful.
It's agonizing.
Sunlight alone is not required for survival. We need rain as well. Why should one's soul be different?
Risks? YOU? What's next? Gambling? Alcohol? Sex? Ah, yes, your hormones have taken over. You want the forbidden; the "impassable" walls you've built around it have made it all the more desirable. You want to be "connected" and lose the distance. The run alone will kill you, if the trap at the end doesn't. You'll ruin your life before it starts. You'll ruin others in the process. You'll fail and drag the rest of the world down with you.
I can limit myself, stop myself if need be. I won't ignore you. I just won't heed you without doubt.
Doubt? I am doubt! How do you doubt doubt?
I simply do, and it is done.
Hah. Lies. You've been listening to lies. She's got you wrapped around her finger. And soon, when your head rests upon her pristine thumb she'll squish you like a bug. I am the medium. I protect you from deception. You hate deception.
But I love love.
Another deception. You don't love anything except yourself. This isn't about anything but you. You're a king of fools, and your reign will soon come to an end.
Is it better to be the highest of fools or the lowest?
A fool is a fool is a fool.
If the fool's happy, I'd say a fool is anything but.
Are we back to happiness again? That silly, fickle notion. Happiness is a drug. And the high will decrease more and more as time passes. You'll have to put in more effort for less benefit until you're just another zombie in a dreary life, slaving away, waiting for death without the courage to admit it.
And without love, what am I?
You're content. That doesn't fade, once obtained. It's malleable. It takes minimal work. There is little risk in being content. There's an incredible risk in happiness. The higher you go, the harder you'll fall.
And what of it? I'll mend my wounds and climb right back up. Love is a surprisingly effective panacea for the soul.
Hah, are all Romantics such idiots?
Are all skeptics so blind?
She'll build you up, tear you down, and destroy the temple you've so painstakingly builty. You've achieved your goal. Do you want all that effort, that ideal to be desecrated beyond recognition?
Goals change. I want more.
Quit while you're ahead.
I may be a head, but a head alone is not the goal. A head and a heart is the ideal.
You'll lose.
Maybe. But the season's just started. There are plenty of games to play. And I just need one victory.
You'll never win.
Neither will you.
I won't lose.
You already have.

Quote for the Day

In case I forget:

Lauren: i can't wait to exchange spit with someone on private property!