I should have seen the signs. Why was I so blind? They were everywhere. Inconsistencies that didn't make any sense. I could have asked, I could have done something! Something to stop it, something to prevent it... It was all so obvious, in retrospect. All the pieces fall into the puzzle once the answer's revealed. But what can be done now? It's done, over, gone. And I just watched it happen, oblivious to it all...
Kinda gripping, eh? Fortunately it was something wonderful that happened, and I'd like to thank yall for participating. But it does make one wonder. What if it had been something horrible? Undetected love, a suicide, a Columbine... I'm too oblivious for my own good! There's that nihilism, not caring enough to ask questions. Heh, it's rather humorous. Ah well.
Some signs I should have noticed:
1. Ellen takes command of Rachel's house and states we'll have a movie night seemingly on the fly. It's almost like it was planned in advance... But it was "forgotten about" and all was normal.
2. Rachel speaks of said night as if Ellen hadn't said anything, though it seems proposterous.
3. My grandfather doesn't do things Saturday night. It was all too convenient.
4. My mother doesn't mend. EVER. And yet, she up and decides to have me change shirts because the one I had on had a hole in it. Crazy moms...
5. My mother also tries to put make-up on my nose. It was insane. She seemed so intent on doing it, I didn't bother to ask why. She didn't succeed though...
6. Mother and Carrie went out but never said where they were going.
7. Rachel's car was pulled into the top of the driveway, making it so I could only park at the top.
8. All the lights were turned out, even though it was clear others were home.
I never asked about any of these things. Thus, it was a success. I certainly enjoyed it, it was beautifully done. The attention to detail, the planning ahead. They even told you not to bring presents since I do dislike them so... Besides a few comments by my father in drunken stupors and hitting the tree, I'd say that's the most surprised I can remember being. It was completely unexpected, but in a pleasant way.
Loaded Questions was entertaining, but I hope no one's feelings were hurt. Ellen had the unfortunate privilege of being the butt of a running joke, but I still think she's a great gal. Sarah's responses were certainly "interesting." I didn't realize calling people gay as an insult was still "in" but there you are. I did rather like her response to the question of what you'd change about high school: "Well, Zack has herpes. So..." I like dark humor as long as there's no real ill will behind it. With Sarah I can't really tell... At any rate, hopefully we can play it again without so many people sometime.
So thanks again everybody. Now I get to focus on how old I am. In a few more days, I can't rationalize all my mistakes as youthful indiscretions anymore. Now they're just regular discretions with a youthful flair. Hoo-rah.
Sunday, August 22
Saturday, August 21
Trashcan Dreams
(Quoted from an Elton John song; 5pts to the correct guesser!) Well, something rather disturbing happened today. I actually realistically considered going to UT (and not the Honors program), staying at home, and reverting to the social hermit stage I was before my Junior year. It wouldn't be too hard, I dare say, and there's only two real detriments to that plan. One is that I'd actually be living at home, with my sister and father either of which I could burst into a homicidal rage upon fueled by pent up rage so compact and dangerous it's been simmering for years. But surely I could repress more. I mean, I've gone three years with no attempts at the life of my dear sweet sister, why would I break the streak after... six....more........years? Yeah.... The second is that after all the progress I've made I'd end up just throwing it to the wind and regressing into the small ball of solitude I was before that oh so fateful Junior year.
The reason the thought had occurred to me is two-fold (yet again). One reason is that the thought of going to Maryville and actually being forced to be in close confines with other people I may or may not like for extended periods of time is a tad disturbing. I mean, what happens if I get there and they're all the type of people I loathe? (For those keeping track, those people are (in order of annoyance) sadistic, pervicacious, hypocritical, superficial, gossiping, missionary, born again Christians.) I just have nightmarish visions of hordes clones wandering about getting drunk and acting in that wretchedly stupid/sadistic way many boys do. Surely this would not be the case. Right? Right?!? Right.
At UT, I could avoid confrontation and interaction the entire time, outside of class. I could go home, not do homework, get on the computer, do homework, sleep, and return the next morning. No "talk", no "activities", no "other people." Essentially what I do now, except even now I see a few of you outside of class. I don't think I'd get involved in much of anything at UT. So, basically, it's a choice of shallow and easy vs. deeper and hard. I don't know... My main goal at college is to get out, and Maryville is one year shorter for Education than UT. But Maryville's fees (of which I would have little to none if I was to go there) keep quite a few people out. It's also only 1000 or so people strong, so that's a tad scary. I'm not much of a gambler...
It's ironic, though, that I'm becoming somewhat of a "selectively outgoing" person, and now I ponder reverting to a recluse. I don't like being cold, impassive, and quiet. It's rather boring. Monotones (unless they're needed, Ellen (who, by the way, did a great job after much coercing on our skit even if it didn't get many laughs)) are just not exciting. I want to be erratic, needlessly excited, and overly exuberant. When I feel like it. And gradually I am. I want to be a teacher whose class is like a relief/reprieve in a stressful day because I'm not serious, sorta like a Petko/Combs hybrid without the religion, seriousness, and difficulty. I've seen too many miserable teenagers, I want to make some of them happy. At the very least I'd like to be an understanding, approachable person. It's a factor that seems to be in favor of Maryville because I'd actually get to know more people and hopefully obtain a further understanding of them. Meh...
I guess it's about the only goal I have left. I'll never date unless something pretty monumentous happens to change my mentality. I've no more dreams and aspirations. I've discarded any semi-ambitious notions I may have had at one point. Writing, performing, changing the world, all have been pretty much turned into pipedreams. I don't really care about much except to make my life and those around me better and more interesting, and to certain extents I achieve it. I don't know how far successful I am, only so many people have blogs... Ah well. I guess it's a good enough goal, albeit a simple one. If only I had some form of ambition. Or confidence. But that's ok. Just gotta keep the mantra in mind. You ought to as well.
The reason the thought had occurred to me is two-fold (yet again). One reason is that the thought of going to Maryville and actually being forced to be in close confines with other people I may or may not like for extended periods of time is a tad disturbing. I mean, what happens if I get there and they're all the type of people I loathe? (For those keeping track, those people are (in order of annoyance) sadistic, pervicacious, hypocritical, superficial, gossiping, missionary, born again Christians.) I just have nightmarish visions of hordes clones wandering about getting drunk and acting in that wretchedly stupid/sadistic way many boys do. Surely this would not be the case. Right? Right?!? Right.
At UT, I could avoid confrontation and interaction the entire time, outside of class. I could go home, not do homework, get on the computer, do homework, sleep, and return the next morning. No "talk", no "activities", no "other people." Essentially what I do now, except even now I see a few of you outside of class. I don't think I'd get involved in much of anything at UT. So, basically, it's a choice of shallow and easy vs. deeper and hard. I don't know... My main goal at college is to get out, and Maryville is one year shorter for Education than UT. But Maryville's fees (of which I would have little to none if I was to go there) keep quite a few people out. It's also only 1000 or so people strong, so that's a tad scary. I'm not much of a gambler...
It's ironic, though, that I'm becoming somewhat of a "selectively outgoing" person, and now I ponder reverting to a recluse. I don't like being cold, impassive, and quiet. It's rather boring. Monotones (unless they're needed, Ellen (who, by the way, did a great job after much coercing on our skit even if it didn't get many laughs)) are just not exciting. I want to be erratic, needlessly excited, and overly exuberant. When I feel like it. And gradually I am. I want to be a teacher whose class is like a relief/reprieve in a stressful day because I'm not serious, sorta like a Petko/Combs hybrid without the religion, seriousness, and difficulty. I've seen too many miserable teenagers, I want to make some of them happy. At the very least I'd like to be an understanding, approachable person. It's a factor that seems to be in favor of Maryville because I'd actually get to know more people and hopefully obtain a further understanding of them. Meh...
I guess it's about the only goal I have left. I'll never date unless something pretty monumentous happens to change my mentality. I've no more dreams and aspirations. I've discarded any semi-ambitious notions I may have had at one point. Writing, performing, changing the world, all have been pretty much turned into pipedreams. I don't really care about much except to make my life and those around me better and more interesting, and to certain extents I achieve it. I don't know how far successful I am, only so many people have blogs... Ah well. I guess it's a good enough goal, albeit a simple one. If only I had some form of ambition. Or confidence. But that's ok. Just gotta keep the mantra in mind. You ought to as well.
Thursday, August 19
So...
Big day today. Now I finally know what a full day is like! I can't believe it...
Let's see... Mr. Ross is slowly moving up in my eyes, but I still don't trust him. He's... interesting. Has a sense of humor, but he also seems to be dangerously fickle, so one must tread lightly. So the subject of our parodies of the school officials came up today. Now I'm torn. On the one hand, I don't like personal insults unless I know the person can take it and knows I'm joking. On the other hand, how can we not do the "Donna Fieldon Dance Party?" I've a vested interest in Coach Lindsay as an evangelist preacher because I distinctly remember a certain school-led prayer being led around 9/11 that, if it was legal, it was barely. Still, they and any other spoofs we do (Mr. Rogers reading an economic report during the apocalypse or something), could be seen as quite insulting. Maybe I could do an accordion number, that would be entertaining and would show everyone I'm silly too... oooo Ellen and I can do a duet while I play the accordion and she sings... something. There's comedy in there, I swear! We could do a parody of Gallo's award, maybe a mafia racket... So many ideas. Perhaps I'll ask the faculty's pardon before we do them.
Next up... I had four things to say, what were they? Well, Coach Roberts is annoying me a bit. He asks these discussion questions, we answer them, but he then repeats the question as if our answers weren't good enough/the ones he wanted. Ah well.
Card-board Club went well today, thanks to all who came. Stratego's Tuesday, hopefully bridge will be Thursday if special guest Andrew Campbell can show up. 14 people for the second day's a great number. I think it went pretty well; even Ben (the errant freshman who wandered in) behaved relatively well. I felt bad about Mr. Petko having to stay so often, but he said he probably would do it anyway and seemed pretty receptive to the entire idea. I guess in some ways he's what I want to become, minus the religion and seriousness.
There's the subject, seriousness. Something else I remembered in Ross's class is that it's remarkably easy to be negative and deride everything. I mean, any subject at all can be made insignificant and foolish. That's why there's a thin line between that sort of nihilism and romanticism. On the one hand, if things are taken seriously more might be accomplished, but often it's not entertaining and it makes people seem foolish. But if everything's a joke, well, it seems almost demeaning to life itself. I dunno. I need to remember to lighten up, remain positive, be facetious, but not let the inherent negativity of comedy get to me. I think that's the way I want to be. I'd like to be a true romantic, but I can't handle it. I get too upset, too virulent and it just gets ridiculous and ugly. But I have to remember not to deride everything and try to keep up good spirits. My mantra should be "Be happy, do happy, make happy." If only I was a warm, caring person... Ah well. I'll probably still revert to a pithy state eventually, but hopefully I can pull out. In other words, don't expect much progress here. You people ought to get blogs yourselves. I'm sure you've wonderful insights and opinions that could be of use to someone. Heh, if ya get bored sometime.
Alright, enough rambling. Tis Calculus time!
Let's see... Mr. Ross is slowly moving up in my eyes, but I still don't trust him. He's... interesting. Has a sense of humor, but he also seems to be dangerously fickle, so one must tread lightly. So the subject of our parodies of the school officials came up today. Now I'm torn. On the one hand, I don't like personal insults unless I know the person can take it and knows I'm joking. On the other hand, how can we not do the "Donna Fieldon Dance Party?" I've a vested interest in Coach Lindsay as an evangelist preacher because I distinctly remember a certain school-led prayer being led around 9/11 that, if it was legal, it was barely. Still, they and any other spoofs we do (Mr. Rogers reading an economic report during the apocalypse or something), could be seen as quite insulting. Maybe I could do an accordion number, that would be entertaining and would show everyone I'm silly too... oooo Ellen and I can do a duet while I play the accordion and she sings... something. There's comedy in there, I swear! We could do a parody of Gallo's award, maybe a mafia racket... So many ideas. Perhaps I'll ask the faculty's pardon before we do them.
Next up... I had four things to say, what were they? Well, Coach Roberts is annoying me a bit. He asks these discussion questions, we answer them, but he then repeats the question as if our answers weren't good enough/the ones he wanted. Ah well.
Card-board Club went well today, thanks to all who came. Stratego's Tuesday, hopefully bridge will be Thursday if special guest Andrew Campbell can show up. 14 people for the second day's a great number. I think it went pretty well; even Ben (the errant freshman who wandered in) behaved relatively well. I felt bad about Mr. Petko having to stay so often, but he said he probably would do it anyway and seemed pretty receptive to the entire idea. I guess in some ways he's what I want to become, minus the religion and seriousness.
There's the subject, seriousness. Something else I remembered in Ross's class is that it's remarkably easy to be negative and deride everything. I mean, any subject at all can be made insignificant and foolish. That's why there's a thin line between that sort of nihilism and romanticism. On the one hand, if things are taken seriously more might be accomplished, but often it's not entertaining and it makes people seem foolish. But if everything's a joke, well, it seems almost demeaning to life itself. I dunno. I need to remember to lighten up, remain positive, be facetious, but not let the inherent negativity of comedy get to me. I think that's the way I want to be. I'd like to be a true romantic, but I can't handle it. I get too upset, too virulent and it just gets ridiculous and ugly. But I have to remember not to deride everything and try to keep up good spirits. My mantra should be "Be happy, do happy, make happy." If only I was a warm, caring person... Ah well. I'll probably still revert to a pithy state eventually, but hopefully I can pull out. In other words, don't expect much progress here. You people ought to get blogs yourselves. I'm sure you've wonderful insights and opinions that could be of use to someone. Heh, if ya get bored sometime.
Alright, enough rambling. Tis Calculus time!
Wednesday, August 18
If only...
It'd be great if I could have been born a late 19th, early 20th century composer. Those guys kick rear. Especially Eastern European. Ah, dreams...
Constantly Forgotten Note to Self:
It's easier to be negative than positive. Don't fall in the trap!
Holdem
To call, or not to call- that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to fold
To the great uncertainties of outrageous fortune
Or to check the bluff of fools
And by opposing end them. To play, to win-
No more- and by win to say we end
The poverty, and the thousand debts
That gamblers are heir to. 'Tis a windfall
Devoutly to be wished. To play, to call-
To call- perchance to win: ay, there's the flop,
For in that deal what cards may come
When we have shuffled out this fatal hand,
We must give pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of such hopeful bets.
For who would bear the flop, turn, and river,
Th' dealers wrongs, the proud men's arrogance,
The pangs of cards useful for naught,
When he himself might the pot gain
With just a steady face? To bet, to win,
To gloat. Ah, tis a goal worthy of kings.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to fold
To the great uncertainties of outrageous fortune
Or to check the bluff of fools
And by opposing end them. To play, to win-
No more- and by win to say we end
The poverty, and the thousand debts
That gamblers are heir to. 'Tis a windfall
Devoutly to be wished. To play, to call-
To call- perchance to win: ay, there's the flop,
For in that deal what cards may come
When we have shuffled out this fatal hand,
We must give pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of such hopeful bets.
For who would bear the flop, turn, and river,
Th' dealers wrongs, the proud men's arrogance,
The pangs of cards useful for naught,
When he himself might the pot gain
With just a steady face? To bet, to win,
To gloat. Ah, tis a goal worthy of kings.
Tuesday, August 17
Auspicious Start
Well, Cardboard Club didn't go too badly. We had 9 people all told, although Mr. Petko didn't play and "Ben" the freshman who randomly showed up was a bit of, how shall we say, "social outcast." It's sadly reassuring that I don't really fit into that group anymore. Odd, actually talking to people in a less than perpetually annoying manner leads to their continual interaction with you. Not that it's superfluous or even relatively much at all, but considering my past, any contact, however minimal, outside of school can be equated to "above social outcast." Hoo-rah.
Anyway, it wasn't very ordered, but I think people had fun and that's what's important. Thursday (which we have the ok for) will be Clue, so if you have it please bring it. Hopefully it won't wear on Mr. P's nerves, but it seemed he didn't mind. Good, good. Now for the posters...
Finally, Mr. Ross seems to find it quite amusing to annoy me. Not on purpose and not even directed at me, but his admissions to dishonesty and lack of any real positive feelings seems to indicate deadness insideness. Maybe. I don't like deception... Or maybe I just don't like English majors. Their double standards (This is new and original, it must be good! This is useless emotion, I must deride it secretly for I cannot sympathize with the folly of man.), their elitism (if you can't understand that the couch is symbolic of society and the loose change is the eccentric, non-conformist valuable but lost in obscurity, then you are a complete moron), and thier lack-of-funness (they all seem so... prim and proper; differing senses of humor I suppose). That's not to say I dislike them all, nor are people of other areas of study particularly better, but English people tend to go towards the above noted folly. I dunno, maybe I'm like a Bill O'Reilly of subjects, saying I'm independent and like Math and English the same while secretly always leaning towards Math. Or maybe it's just a confidence thing since in Math you know if you can do it or not, whereas in English every essay is up in the air until you get your grade. Sour grapes ya know heh.
So my goal now is to show that it is possible to write a piece of literature that has meaningful symbolism with real, viable issues and themes that can switch between humorous and serious all the while being entertaining. Catch-22 in reverse with a bit of Agee and "Modest Proposal" thrown in. Quite a task, maybe I'll pull it off. Maybe. And this from a person who votes Math more than he'd theoretically like to. Heh, Mrs. Jackson will probably pull a Mr. Ross and say "Yes, it's nice. Publish it." "What did you like?" "All of it." "Any criticism." "You were a tad vague in places and rambled a bit." "Anywhere particular?" "No." "Great!" Cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Anyway, it wasn't very ordered, but I think people had fun and that's what's important. Thursday (which we have the ok for) will be Clue, so if you have it please bring it. Hopefully it won't wear on Mr. P's nerves, but it seemed he didn't mind. Good, good. Now for the posters...
Finally, Mr. Ross seems to find it quite amusing to annoy me. Not on purpose and not even directed at me, but his admissions to dishonesty and lack of any real positive feelings seems to indicate deadness insideness. Maybe. I don't like deception... Or maybe I just don't like English majors. Their double standards (This is new and original, it must be good! This is useless emotion, I must deride it secretly for I cannot sympathize with the folly of man.), their elitism (if you can't understand that the couch is symbolic of society and the loose change is the eccentric, non-conformist valuable but lost in obscurity, then you are a complete moron), and thier lack-of-funness (they all seem so... prim and proper; differing senses of humor I suppose). That's not to say I dislike them all, nor are people of other areas of study particularly better, but English people tend to go towards the above noted folly. I dunno, maybe I'm like a Bill O'Reilly of subjects, saying I'm independent and like Math and English the same while secretly always leaning towards Math. Or maybe it's just a confidence thing since in Math you know if you can do it or not, whereas in English every essay is up in the air until you get your grade. Sour grapes ya know heh.
So my goal now is to show that it is possible to write a piece of literature that has meaningful symbolism with real, viable issues and themes that can switch between humorous and serious all the while being entertaining. Catch-22 in reverse with a bit of Agee and "Modest Proposal" thrown in. Quite a task, maybe I'll pull it off. Maybe. And this from a person who votes Math more than he'd theoretically like to. Heh, Mrs. Jackson will probably pull a Mr. Ross and say "Yes, it's nice. Publish it." "What did you like?" "All of it." "Any criticism." "You were a tad vague in places and rambled a bit." "Anywhere particular?" "No." "Great!" Cruisin' for a bruisin'.