Yes, I got inspired and created my next blog (the Lucifer and company spinoff) today. If you want a gander, check the links to the right after you've read the latest Perse entry (it would spoil the ending otherwise). Overall, I'm rather pleased with the intro. It's a good idea, and I can take it a lot of places. I just have to figure out how! I've pretty much figured the setting, the tone(s), and the writing style, I just need to decide exactly how I want the plot to work. It should be ...interesting.
Anywho, I was going to make my big post about college today, but I figure that can wait til later. Suffice it to say, if you can think up any convincing arguments to get me to avoid going to a cheap, easy, local college and actually try to get in a decent one, I'm all ears. I want you to convince me! Unfortunately, it's probably too daunting a task for any one person to undertake. Ah well. That'll have to wait until next time.
Thursday, June 17
Wednesday, June 16
Today
Woohoo! I finished the dramatic conclusion to Perse's current arc. I don't know how you liked the ending, but it'll be expanded more in the spinoff blog I'll hopefully create soon. The new one will be a different beast because it's not meant to be funny. It's meant to be more philosophically and psychologically (but not spelling, grammar, or continuity) intensive than Perse, and it should be an interesting experience. But you'll have to wait til I write them, won't you? Ah, it feels good to finally get something done for a change. Now to wait another 3weeks before I lift a finger... Ta ta!
Tuesday, June 15
Snap!
Do you ever wonder how your life could change on different paths? Do you ever think of all the infinite possibilities that would be available to you? All the successes, all the failures, all the bliss, all the misery? Your imagination runs wild. You're a plumber, doing a dirty job for money you really don't want. SNAP! You're a successful businessman running a multinational corporation planning to kill yourself tomorrow because your soul has been rejected in every pursuit that doesn't involve corruption. SNAP! You're a clown who enjoys scaring small children. SNAP! You're a food bagger at Food City and you're the happiest person on earth because you've got your priorities right and so does she. SNAP! You're running for Senate and have a chance at winning if only you'll compromise your integrity and say that one, seemingly insignificant lie. SNAP! You're a homeless person who was once the most influential pizza delivery boy in the entire tri-state area. SNAP! You are the Messiah, but in a horribly unexpected riding accident you become completely paralyzed and can only communicate by very faintly wiggling your left ear. SNAP! You are a vagrant, a lost soul desperately seeking something to cling to in a cold, callous world that doesn't want those who do not fit the scheme to be a part of it. SNAP! You're a homemaker, taking care of 5 small children and hoping they can learn from your myriad of mistakes and have a chance to follow their dreams of being a forensic accountant unlike you. SNAP! You're an FBI agent who's sole job is to play politics in a tainted system using tainted methods to achieve goals that initially seemed pure, but each day you question more and more. SNAP! You're a brilliant novelist who has written works read and enjoyed by millions of people, endearing yourself to the masses and donating the vast majority of your wealth to charity and promoting causes of hope and universal cooperation where ever you go. SNAP! You're a mediocre poet who doesn't know it and constantly tries to become a success in a profession that you cannot understand and that even the best will not succeed in. SNAP! You are a nihilist, a person devoid of any morality or purpose but those twisted verisimilitudes that you fashion out of your hollowed soul. SNAP! You are the leader of a small, but powerful nation and gradually gather strength and form alliances you never intend on keeping to enable you to take over the world and establish an order that is a utopia to you, a Hell to everyone else. SNAP! You work in a fast food restaurant, serving overweight, self-despising people ugly boulders to attempt to fill the every-widening hole for 50years. SNAP! You are a peaceful activist, a woman who has truly seen the light and seeks to make a difference because you have the desire, the passion, and the dream. SNAP! You're a movie star who acknowledges your own superficiality and emptiness, but revels in the hedonism your short, but exciting life supplies. SNAP! You're a furniture salesman who, in your spare time, forms beautiful sculptures that you always destroy for they are not worthy of anyone but yourself and God. SNAP! You are a high school math teacher who could have been everything but failed. SNAP! You are a teenager, confused and alone when all you really want is a something you cannot speak of, cannot predict, and cannot understand but have to try nonetheless. SNAP! You are yourself, a vessel of Fate, a puppet of God, a ball of clay who is shaped by yourself with unmolded hands into some, none, or all of these possibilities each more fantastic, more miserable, more mundane than you could have ever dreamed.
As each second passes, the mold becomes more defined. Points that could have been smoothed out and done over rapidly harden to the point of no return. You are the potter, but so is reality, so are your friends, so are your enemies, so are people, places, and butterflies you have never met or will never know existed.
That is the point I find myself in. I could be so much and do so many things, or so people tell me, but I can't believe them. They have warped, bias viewpoints. If I do something, I want to excel at it. I want to be the very best possible. Perhaps not directly in comparison with others, but the standard of excellence and success that is commonly accepted, I want to pass it. With a high school teacher, that bar is rather low. Show passion, show interest, and show that you really do care and you've pretty much achieved it. I can do that. But I don't think I can do much else. All those realities, all those different paths that people claim I can go down are but pipedreams. The biggest problem is that I have no faith. Not just in a divine sense, but in anything. No faith in others, no faith in humanity, and no faith in myself. And thus far, I've had nothing to prove to the contrary.
As each second passes, the mold becomes more defined. Points that could have been smoothed out and done over rapidly harden to the point of no return. You are the potter, but so is reality, so are your friends, so are your enemies, so are people, places, and butterflies you have never met or will never know existed.
That is the point I find myself in. I could be so much and do so many things, or so people tell me, but I can't believe them. They have warped, bias viewpoints. If I do something, I want to excel at it. I want to be the very best possible. Perhaps not directly in comparison with others, but the standard of excellence and success that is commonly accepted, I want to pass it. With a high school teacher, that bar is rather low. Show passion, show interest, and show that you really do care and you've pretty much achieved it. I can do that. But I don't think I can do much else. All those realities, all those different paths that people claim I can go down are but pipedreams. The biggest problem is that I have no faith. Not just in a divine sense, but in anything. No faith in others, no faith in humanity, and no faith in myself. And thus far, I've had nothing to prove to the contrary.
Monday, June 14
Sunday, June 13
Temporarily Out of Order
It's strange. To write the "dirge" for Perse today, I actually had to actively make myself depressed. That's a good sign of mental health if I do say so myself. Or insanity. Your call.
But just the dirge was written. Full entry will hopefully be up tomorrow.
But just the dirge was written. Full entry will hopefully be up tomorrow.
Places to Do, People to Go, Things to See
Yes, all that and more. ALL of it. Darn tootin! But, what I mean to say, is that one of my biggest "regrets" about my life is that I'm not a very warm person. I'm not an eloquent speaker, much less a conversationalist. In fact, half the things I say are dark and the other half just plain stupid. Hopefully people laugh at them, but sometimes I wonder if it's a pity laugh/uncomfortable laugh rather than genuine amusement. Who knows? You do. And I don't. I also don't like not knowing what people really think. But then, I don't ask do I?
But, despite this shortcoming of social grace and poise, I still like going places with people. I look forward to going on these roadtrips we've done recently (all two or three of em). I can't invite people to my home. It's far, it's dirty, it's small, and my father just wouldn't like it. That bothers me. See, I like most people. Even the ones I dislike, I can tolerate. There are so many people I never see or meet or do things with that are probably quite interesting people who it'd be nice to get to know. And it's not even that in social environments you get to know people. You just hear a bit there, a comment there, and gradually a better image of them forms. The more you're in their presence, the more the idea of them in your head is defined. I dunno, a lot I just shrug off. But I'm quite a non-judgmental person (on individuals), and pretty much unless they're niggling or sadistic, I can tolerate them. It helps if they go along, laugh, or smile at my crazy antics or if they provide fodder to fill those gaps of silence that I loathe so much. But, the point is, if I had an ideal situation I'd just have a long list. And one day I'd just go down it and call every house until I got three or ten or thirty people saying, "If you're not doing anything tomorrow, you ought to come to my house for boardgames/movies/attack on Lithuania." Heck, I could even try to get you people to play video games. I haven't done that in forever. But it's not to be.
So, my alternatives are to use outside places as meeting sources. For instance, hopefully Mr. Petko and I will get this Gaming Club up and running and be able to use the school in lieu of my home (there are inherent problems that I don't know how to work out, we'll just have to see). But also using outside places, such as the road, the mountains, the roof of the City County Building, and prison. Tennessee's got a myriad of strange little locations that in and of themselves are boring. But if you get the right people together, almost anything becomes entertaining. I don't get to participate in the conversations on the road much (I have to put more effort than most into focusing on driving), but I generally enjoy listening. Even if it appears I'm not having a good time or get in a sour mood, it's just a passing fancy that shouldn't be taken for anything.
It's an interesting thing, me and social situations. There are times when I go absolutely wild, uninhibited and carefree. And then there are times I close up and my depression meter skyrockets (that's probably an oxymoron, go figure). But generally if people get along (and you all should be on your best behavior. If you're not, I'll pull that car over and give you all a talking to you won't soon remember!) and they actually converse it's all good. I just so loathe silence because it seems to imply people aren't having at least an amusing time and being entertained. That's one of the reasons I like driving, because I don't have to feel guilty for it. I'm pulling my weight. But still, outside the car and even inside a bit, I feel bad. I like people to be happy or the nearest feasible equivalent. Heh, maybe I kill conversations. I dunno, only one way to try to improve.
So, I just had a brilliant idea. We'll travel to all these tiny, boondockish places in Tennessee and film them. Get a few shots of us there, maybe a voice over where we mock historians, something. And then we'll put em all together in a movie "Tennessee: Land of Wonders, Thrills, and Rednecks" (that's a title still in progress, of course). But it would be great! Not only would we have a reason to go to all the boondock hills, but it'd be fun and we'd have something to show for our efforts. So, we'd just pick a place (or three), pick a day, pick a route, and call up all the people we knew to go out and have a day of adventure and exploration! It's our home state, we'd better learn about sometime! It'd also be a nice "going away" project for those of you planning on heading out of state for college and possibly the rest of your lives. A sort of "Farewell tour", if you will. We don't even have to limit ourselves to Tennessee! There's all sorts of stuff nearby. I just need people and a plan... Heh, it'll give me something to do. Or something for you to do, suggestions are welcome!
At any rate, I'd still like you to comment and provide suggestions. Most of you are out of town, though, so it's rather moot... Ah well, we'll see. Hopefully a Perse entry today. But you know they'll be something next time.
But, despite this shortcoming of social grace and poise, I still like going places with people. I look forward to going on these roadtrips we've done recently (all two or three of em). I can't invite people to my home. It's far, it's dirty, it's small, and my father just wouldn't like it. That bothers me. See, I like most people. Even the ones I dislike, I can tolerate. There are so many people I never see or meet or do things with that are probably quite interesting people who it'd be nice to get to know. And it's not even that in social environments you get to know people. You just hear a bit there, a comment there, and gradually a better image of them forms. The more you're in their presence, the more the idea of them in your head is defined. I dunno, a lot I just shrug off. But I'm quite a non-judgmental person (on individuals), and pretty much unless they're niggling or sadistic, I can tolerate them. It helps if they go along, laugh, or smile at my crazy antics or if they provide fodder to fill those gaps of silence that I loathe so much. But, the point is, if I had an ideal situation I'd just have a long list. And one day I'd just go down it and call every house until I got three or ten or thirty people saying, "If you're not doing anything tomorrow, you ought to come to my house for boardgames/movies/attack on Lithuania." Heck, I could even try to get you people to play video games. I haven't done that in forever. But it's not to be.
So, my alternatives are to use outside places as meeting sources. For instance, hopefully Mr. Petko and I will get this Gaming Club up and running and be able to use the school in lieu of my home (there are inherent problems that I don't know how to work out, we'll just have to see). But also using outside places, such as the road, the mountains, the roof of the City County Building, and prison. Tennessee's got a myriad of strange little locations that in and of themselves are boring. But if you get the right people together, almost anything becomes entertaining. I don't get to participate in the conversations on the road much (I have to put more effort than most into focusing on driving), but I generally enjoy listening. Even if it appears I'm not having a good time or get in a sour mood, it's just a passing fancy that shouldn't be taken for anything.
It's an interesting thing, me and social situations. There are times when I go absolutely wild, uninhibited and carefree. And then there are times I close up and my depression meter skyrockets (that's probably an oxymoron, go figure). But generally if people get along (and you all should be on your best behavior. If you're not, I'll pull that car over and give you all a talking to you won't soon remember!) and they actually converse it's all good. I just so loathe silence because it seems to imply people aren't having at least an amusing time and being entertained. That's one of the reasons I like driving, because I don't have to feel guilty for it. I'm pulling my weight. But still, outside the car and even inside a bit, I feel bad. I like people to be happy or the nearest feasible equivalent. Heh, maybe I kill conversations. I dunno, only one way to try to improve.
So, I just had a brilliant idea. We'll travel to all these tiny, boondockish places in Tennessee and film them. Get a few shots of us there, maybe a voice over where we mock historians, something. And then we'll put em all together in a movie "Tennessee: Land of Wonders, Thrills, and Rednecks" (that's a title still in progress, of course). But it would be great! Not only would we have a reason to go to all the boondock hills, but it'd be fun and we'd have something to show for our efforts. So, we'd just pick a place (or three), pick a day, pick a route, and call up all the people we knew to go out and have a day of adventure and exploration! It's our home state, we'd better learn about sometime! It'd also be a nice "going away" project for those of you planning on heading out of state for college and possibly the rest of your lives. A sort of "Farewell tour", if you will. We don't even have to limit ourselves to Tennessee! There's all sorts of stuff nearby. I just need people and a plan... Heh, it'll give me something to do. Or something for you to do, suggestions are welcome!
At any rate, I'd still like you to comment and provide suggestions. Most of you are out of town, though, so it's rather moot... Ah well, we'll see. Hopefully a Perse entry today. But you know they'll be something next time.
Saturday, June 12
Me.
After everything I've thought, everything I've tried to figure out, and everything I seek to understand there are very few things I know about myself. Mainly that I am fragmented. My mind has, gradually or in cyclical stages, undergone such entrop that I'm dull. I can't think straight. I think practically in curves. Curves that loop around and around and come back to the same thing that I'd forgotten over the course of the swirls. I dunno, comes with being a paradox. And what bigger paradox/oxymoron is there than a Romantic Nihilist? Maybe fragmented is too elaborate.
I'm just plain silly.
I'm just plain silly.