Thursday, May 6
Tuesday, May 4
Tired of Being Tired
I am tired. T-I-R-E-D. TIRED. I'm tired of entirely too many things. Tired of...everything. I've no energy. No motivation. No driving force other than spite, which occasionally helps but right now just makes me TIRED. Nothing to look towards, soon anyway. Nothing to do, yet so much to do. I'm tired. Tired of taking stupid risks for nothing and failing. Tired of not taking risks. Tired of slogging along for nothing. Tired of being tired. I need something to pick me up. Anyone got a crane? Maybe some dynamite? I certainly won't find out til next time...
TIRED!
TIRED!
Saturday, May 1
Caught in the Crossfire
Well, it finally happened. I thought I could hold out infinitely, that I was fast enough, strong enough, smart to avoid the inevitable. I fooled myself into thinking it was behind me, a part of my past gone for good. The improvements I'd made, the adjustments, the daily methods all culminating in the banishment of this unfortunate aspect of Fate. But I was wrong. The thought had begun to occur to me earlier this week that I was perhaps not as invincible as I had deluded myself into thinking. It was only a matter of time until I fell again. And so it was written, so it was done. I am man, after all. So yes, you're quite right. I, The Grand Duke Dyl of Quence, now has... I don't think I can say it *sniff*...
A cold.
Yes! A BLASTED, WRETCHED, OH SO icky cold. I thought, perhaps, that I could go on forever now that I was eating a bit more, taking vitamins, thinking semi-positive thoughts! But no! No, I've been assaulted by my perenial enemy, the common cold. Generally two or three times a year it rears its ugly head, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, sometimes for more than a week. But it comes around eventually. It always does. Thus I'm forced to blow my nose every 5-10minutes and suffer this infernal congestion for however long God has in store.
And the timing, the oh so coincidental timing, is remarkable. Why, I do believe it is AP test time! Not only that, but I get some high-quality, primo, mouth-watering oppurtunities to leave the house and all I get is congestion and miserable. Oh, it could be worse, sure. But it's just not pleasant! I can't go places or do things because every 5minutes I've got to blow my blasted nose. How this will effect the AP tests, I don't know. Hopefully I never will, as it has been known that these things last a mere day or three and fade away into oblivion. And it's also been known to plague me for two weeks. Joy of joys. Not to mention I have to tell everyone I can't go anywhere or do anything, just preventing me from making interesting expeditions away from home into the great unknown we call life. Makes me want sneeze. Oh wait, THAT'S MY COLD!!
I can't work under these conditions... Eh, variables. The worst thing is when they lurk in the shadows, biding their time to attack when you're most vulnerable or least need the addition. What can you do? Perk up and move on! Nice try, God, but you'll have to do a bit better than this! (Other of my ails consist of a nasty face blotch right next to my lip, entirely too much armpit hair, too much hair on my head in general, AP tests, 100pages to read tomorrow, and I burned my fingers making cookies so now I've too gnarly heat blisters on my fingers. And all that emotional stress that comes with being a...uh...human. Just in case you're keeping score). You've won a few battles, but I'm still ahead! This is my house! Well, yours too. But...uh...how do you smack talk the uncomprehensible? You see my dilemma. But I'm off to blow my nose, read some more, and plot. What am I plotting? I dunno. Neither will you, until next time...
A cold.
Yes! A BLASTED, WRETCHED, OH SO icky cold. I thought, perhaps, that I could go on forever now that I was eating a bit more, taking vitamins, thinking semi-positive thoughts! But no! No, I've been assaulted by my perenial enemy, the common cold. Generally two or three times a year it rears its ugly head, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, sometimes for more than a week. But it comes around eventually. It always does. Thus I'm forced to blow my nose every 5-10minutes and suffer this infernal congestion for however long God has in store.
And the timing, the oh so coincidental timing, is remarkable. Why, I do believe it is AP test time! Not only that, but I get some high-quality, primo, mouth-watering oppurtunities to leave the house and all I get is congestion and miserable. Oh, it could be worse, sure. But it's just not pleasant! I can't go places or do things because every 5minutes I've got to blow my blasted nose. How this will effect the AP tests, I don't know. Hopefully I never will, as it has been known that these things last a mere day or three and fade away into oblivion. And it's also been known to plague me for two weeks. Joy of joys. Not to mention I have to tell everyone I can't go anywhere or do anything, just preventing me from making interesting expeditions away from home into the great unknown we call life. Makes me want sneeze. Oh wait, THAT'S MY COLD!!
I can't work under these conditions... Eh, variables. The worst thing is when they lurk in the shadows, biding their time to attack when you're most vulnerable or least need the addition. What can you do? Perk up and move on! Nice try, God, but you'll have to do a bit better than this! (Other of my ails consist of a nasty face blotch right next to my lip, entirely too much armpit hair, too much hair on my head in general, AP tests, 100pages to read tomorrow, and I burned my fingers making cookies so now I've too gnarly heat blisters on my fingers. And all that emotional stress that comes with being a...uh...human. Just in case you're keeping score). You've won a few battles, but I'm still ahead! This is my house! Well, yours too. But...uh...how do you smack talk the uncomprehensible? You see my dilemma. But I'm off to blow my nose, read some more, and plot. What am I plotting? I dunno. Neither will you, until next time...
Thursday, April 29
Beach of War
Well, I figured I'd write since I don't want to start my homework, but I've nothing else to do and unfortunately, just within the last 40minutes, my great ship of "Obstinance" to The Sadist in the Sky seems to have crashed ashore. Hopefully I can get her back into the water to continue traversing the sea, but it's not easy. To extend this metaphor, I've got an ocean to sail, a long, torrentuous, mind-numbing ocean ahead before I reach the Promised Land. I'm tired of sailing on an ocean. I know my destination, I know what awaits me and it is relatively good. But I just want to skip the sailing and get to the far horizon. Chemistry and Spanish, for instance. They're driving me crazy! So much to know, so much to keep in mind. I can't logic my way out like in Math or make things up like English. There's just so much with note ven the deceny of a chronological system like History. Just a jumble. And not a fun "dorfidenb" one either. It would be so nice just to skip college and get on with the final 50 or so years of my life.
But as time travel is not available, my only recourse is righteous indignation. Things aren't perfect and it's not my fault. It's "The Creator's." It is the fault of that warped, sadistic individual who came up with this twisted little reality of ours. Albeit, there are some good things in it, but it could have been perfect! And it's not. Thus, I have to battle reality and despair and right now, the "weapon of choice" in this duel of will is anger. It's not right, it's not fair, and I won't stand for it. So I won't comply with its demands. There is no room for negotiation.
On a ...different... note, last night/this morning alternated between pure terror, hope, fun, frustration, and mainly exhaustion. I stayed up until 2AM working on my History work. And then, what do I get from it? My teacher doesn't even take up a lick of it! We run out of time and everything! After all that work. It's just not right! I'll do it eventually, sure, but it just won't be the same... Ah well.
Time. It's a peculiar thing. But that will have to wait until next time...
But as time travel is not available, my only recourse is righteous indignation. Things aren't perfect and it's not my fault. It's "The Creator's." It is the fault of that warped, sadistic individual who came up with this twisted little reality of ours. Albeit, there are some good things in it, but it could have been perfect! And it's not. Thus, I have to battle reality and despair and right now, the "weapon of choice" in this duel of will is anger. It's not right, it's not fair, and I won't stand for it. So I won't comply with its demands. There is no room for negotiation.
On a ...different... note, last night/this morning alternated between pure terror, hope, fun, frustration, and mainly exhaustion. I stayed up until 2AM working on my History work. And then, what do I get from it? My teacher doesn't even take up a lick of it! We run out of time and everything! After all that work. It's just not right! I'll do it eventually, sure, but it just won't be the same... Ah well.
Time. It's a peculiar thing. But that will have to wait until next time...
Tuesday, April 27
Dyl 1, God 0
And counting! Yes, after last weekend which is arguably one of the craziest I've underwent, I must have purged some sort of demon or possibly a very irate woodchuck from my oh so tormented pysche. Whatever the result, writing one of those nonsense poems actually aided me somehow and I managed to make a breakthrough I had made before, but not really focused on. Yes, I've decided the "Powers that Am" are just plain sadistic. That's the long and short of the matter. I'm going to call it "God" for simplicity's sake, but it could be a variety of uncomprehendable super-entities.
Anywho, my new goal is to stop letting life get to me. The stress, all forms, has just been pulling me down, pushing me back into a well of despair I frankly find a tad too cramped and just a bit too musty for my exquisite tastes. Therefore I've launched an "Anti-Depression" campaign where I treat everyday like a battle with God throwing me disappointment-filled dodgeballs while I attempt to deftly dodge the dangerous Dyl-desolating destroyers. Yesterday, overall, proved to be a relative success, thus the above score. Today, while it has had its' share of pitfalls, has likewise turned up relatively sunny. And by sunny, I mean nice, pleasant, warm sunny not scalding, scorching "DEAR FAKE LORD MY UNDERPANTS ARE ON FIRE AND I'M NOT EVEN WEARING ANY" sunny. So let's hope that this, unlike my myriad of other plans, does not fail. The true score is probably more like God 316137211, Love 11111211, Dyl -15. But I can start a new slate anytime I want because it's my crazy game and I make the gosh-dern rules!
On another, not so positive note, I've yet to begin studying for my AP tests. Although I could, hypothetically, make 5's on all if I wanted to work for them, I'm fairly certain 3's and 4's will suffice at any college I go to (meaning not crem de la crem or however you dirty frenchies spout it). Thus, I'm not really stressing out over them. Que sera, sera. I have three complications, one of which will be gone in a matter of months, one which will be taken care of in a matter of slightly more months, and the third which I won't need to deal with for at least 6 or 7 years. Even then, the last is the least of my worries. So, with three main obstacles and all essentially matters of time and me making one or two choices, I'm about set. Everything in between, while requiring work, shouldn't be too difficult. If I let my standards drop. And if I have my way, drop they shall!
So that's about all. A cheery update, compared to the normal chain of patheticness, and hopefully one of many. Quite possibly I'll fall down and God will start racking up points sometime very soon, but I can hope, right? I can't? hmmm... Well, I will anyway! Until next time and way after that.
Anywho, my new goal is to stop letting life get to me. The stress, all forms, has just been pulling me down, pushing me back into a well of despair I frankly find a tad too cramped and just a bit too musty for my exquisite tastes. Therefore I've launched an "Anti-Depression" campaign where I treat everyday like a battle with God throwing me disappointment-filled dodgeballs while I attempt to deftly dodge the dangerous Dyl-desolating destroyers. Yesterday, overall, proved to be a relative success, thus the above score. Today, while it has had its' share of pitfalls, has likewise turned up relatively sunny. And by sunny, I mean nice, pleasant, warm sunny not scalding, scorching "DEAR FAKE LORD MY UNDERPANTS ARE ON FIRE AND I'M NOT EVEN WEARING ANY" sunny. So let's hope that this, unlike my myriad of other plans, does not fail. The true score is probably more like God 316137211, Love 11111211, Dyl -15. But I can start a new slate anytime I want because it's my crazy game and I make the gosh-dern rules!
On another, not so positive note, I've yet to begin studying for my AP tests. Although I could, hypothetically, make 5's on all if I wanted to work for them, I'm fairly certain 3's and 4's will suffice at any college I go to (meaning not crem de la crem or however you dirty frenchies spout it). Thus, I'm not really stressing out over them. Que sera, sera. I have three complications, one of which will be gone in a matter of months, one which will be taken care of in a matter of slightly more months, and the third which I won't need to deal with for at least 6 or 7 years. Even then, the last is the least of my worries. So, with three main obstacles and all essentially matters of time and me making one or two choices, I'm about set. Everything in between, while requiring work, shouldn't be too difficult. If I let my standards drop. And if I have my way, drop they shall!
So that's about all. A cheery update, compared to the normal chain of patheticness, and hopefully one of many. Quite possibly I'll fall down and God will start racking up points sometime very soon, but I can hope, right? I can't? hmmm... Well, I will anyway! Until next time and way after that.
Sunday, April 25
Love
I love her and she loves me, entwined for all eternity.
Oh joy of joys! Oh bliss of bliss! How I embrace her every kiss!
Never alone, never in pain; this happiness I can’t contain!
Her voice, her eyes, her shining face all put each Angel to disgrace!
How could I live before she came? How could I think without her name?
All else is her, she’s all I see; I’ll always love her and she will me.
And then, I wake.
A dream. A dream. Always a dream!
Everything you see or seem!
No, a dream’s too nice a word.
It implies joy, oh how absurd!
Nightmare! Now that fits the bill!
It’s apt for sure, it’s just Fate’s will.
I did not choose to dream that lie!
Why won’t it leave, why won’t it die?
It haunts me, every night and day;
A disgusting monster I cannot slay.
I cry and scream; I fight and moan,
I grovel to its’ corpse-built throne.
I beg, I plea, “Just go away!
I’ll watch next time my idle play!
Please, please, please just let me be!
I just want peace, I just want free…”
Not a word is said or done,
The fight is lost, I turn and run.
I know not where I run, but do.
I must escape, escape from you.
And yet I tire, for I am man…
I am alone.
The gray is also here.
It left once, to go get milk.
I think I told it to go.
But it came back.
Swirling voids my playmates.
We waltz to a band, serenading others that do not matter.
They do not care.
Neither do we.
For we are alone.
I wake…
Love! Oh blessed love return!
Reject me not, my heart doth yearn!
How could I say you were untrue?
How could I say I hated you?
Lies! All lies! I love you so!
Return to me! Please do not go!
Just please leave me not alone
to dance with death in monotone!
I desire joy, not emptiness!
Please, dear love, retrieve my bliss…
I try, but I’ve run out…
She does not care.
She never will.
She pays no mind.
She did, until
Time passed on,
Off it did go!
Oh blessed time,
You go so slow.
Then she stopped.
An ambush kill.
She loves not me.
I love her still.
I wake…
Dear God, what have I done!
I give my life, I run and run!
Where is my answer? No, I repeal.
Where is my love? My love that's real!
I’ll not play your petty game.
I shall not dance, I am not tame.
You did this to me! I know twas you!
Do not deny! You know it’s true!
So finish the deed! End it at last!
I’ll search no more! I quit…this…cast.
Now. Then. Forever. I sleep.
Oh joy of joys! Oh bliss of bliss! How I embrace her every kiss!
Never alone, never in pain; this happiness I can’t contain!
Her voice, her eyes, her shining face all put each Angel to disgrace!
How could I live before she came? How could I think without her name?
All else is her, she’s all I see; I’ll always love her and she will me.
And then, I wake.
A dream. A dream. Always a dream!
Everything you see or seem!
No, a dream’s too nice a word.
It implies joy, oh how absurd!
Nightmare! Now that fits the bill!
It’s apt for sure, it’s just Fate’s will.
I did not choose to dream that lie!
Why won’t it leave, why won’t it die?
It haunts me, every night and day;
A disgusting monster I cannot slay.
I cry and scream; I fight and moan,
I grovel to its’ corpse-built throne.
I beg, I plea, “Just go away!
I’ll watch next time my idle play!
Please, please, please just let me be!
I just want peace, I just want free…”
Not a word is said or done,
The fight is lost, I turn and run.
I know not where I run, but do.
I must escape, escape from you.
And yet I tire, for I am man…
I am alone.
The gray is also here.
It left once, to go get milk.
I think I told it to go.
But it came back.
Swirling voids my playmates.
We waltz to a band, serenading others that do not matter.
They do not care.
Neither do we.
For we are alone.
I wake…
Love! Oh blessed love return!
Reject me not, my heart doth yearn!
How could I say you were untrue?
How could I say I hated you?
Lies! All lies! I love you so!
Return to me! Please do not go!
Just please leave me not alone
to dance with death in monotone!
I desire joy, not emptiness!
Please, dear love, retrieve my bliss…
I try, but I’ve run out…
She does not care.
She never will.
She pays no mind.
She did, until
Time passed on,
Off it did go!
Oh blessed time,
You go so slow.
Then she stopped.
An ambush kill.
She loves not me.
I love her still.
I wake…
Dear God, what have I done!
I give my life, I run and run!
Where is my answer? No, I repeal.
Where is my love? My love that's real!
I’ll not play your petty game.
I shall not dance, I am not tame.
You did this to me! I know twas you!
Do not deny! You know it’s true!
So finish the deed! End it at last!
I’ll search no more! I quit…this…cast.
Now. Then. Forever. I sleep.