" " which is rather annoying since I do believe I'm lacking in the genius department. Ah well. I've had some thoughts floating around in my head, most of which I've forgotten, but I'll elaborate (rant) on the ones I remember. Wouldn't it be easier if this was a journal instead of a compilation of train of thought -pseudo philosophizing? It'd be shorter. But then I wouldn't be able to maintain my steady readership of four and a half people (the half person is obviously David. He thinks he's a real boy, it's so cute!).
Let's see... On Thursday I went out to eat with my grandfather and mother. We generally do it every week (my grandfather rather enjoys it; living alone for so many years wears on you I'm sure). While there, Logan and some his friends also dropped in and ate dinner together. It was sort of... strange. Here I am, eating with my mother and grandfather, and there's Logan meeting people his age for dinner on a school night, something I can't see myself doing. I assume that other people my age meet friends for activities outside of school on a semi-regular basis, but I don't. I talk online. And that's it. I wonder if I'm missing out on something, getting to know people, becoming a part of their lives instead of blue text on a screen.
And just as Erinelle brings it up, I think about how true it is. There are so many people out there I'd like to get to know better and spend more time with. Then I think about it, and I don't know what I'd do with them. There isn't that much to do that's fun, cheap, and easy. I tried roadtrips, and the one or two I went on were... interesting, at least. I'd like to try again sometime, but since most of the people I talk to on a regular basis have turned into freshmen girls, there's all sorts of "laws" and "parents" I'm afraid to deal with. (side rant, it seems to me there's a severe lack of trust anymore. People seem to be a lot more scared than they used to be. And they also seem more depressed and contained. Or maybe it's just me).
I guess it's not as important, since I'm going off to college where I'll meet hordes of new people who I'll be in close contact with very regularly. It's depressing, leaving all those stories unread at West, but I'll be getting a whole new library, and high school will fade into a memory. If I wasn't so caught up in my escape, I might actually try to make the most out of the people I know in high school. But just like the accordion and studying, I think "that'd be nice" and go back to a fantasy world where the delusion that I have purpose is cemented and taken for granted. Is it negative? Most likely. I think I could help a lot of people and be a good influence upon them, maybe even have some fun myself, but it's hard and uncertain. So I don't.
For some reason I have the delusion that, after college, I'll take an active part in my community (meaning school). I have all these ideas about activities and roles to play, and how I would [briefly continued Saturday night, got busy Friday and now I've rather lost interest] make a difference etc. But it's all so complex. My escape is an easy one with no responsibilities, no chance for guilt. Guilt is the underlying factor, of course. It's one of the most significant factors in my life. Joy.
Meh, now I don't know what I want. Confusion is grand, no? Maybe I'll figure myself out later. My mind is dead at the moment. Joy. Ta-ta!
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