Do you ever feel truly alone, no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary? Of course you do. It's odd, isn't it? I sort of feel like this feeling and I will get well acquainted as the years go on. I look ahead, to me teaching, and see someone alone. I don't really forsee a wife, not now, not for me. Possible? Certainly. But I'd say there's at least 60-40 odds to the contrary.
But it's more than that. I see myself, and many adults, as people who go to work, come home, live truly, if not literally, alone, and then repeat ad nauseam. It's not bad, per se. It's just sort of... tragic. How part of our lives can be so full, and yet there are these periods where we can't help but be empty. It's peaceful, in a sorrowful way.
If I come to be a teacher, living alone, I see myself having this feeling. The best way to describe it is a sad smile. The smile you flash when you're trying to fake happiness, but no one's fooled. Not even yourself.
Romanticizing, certainly. And I do think I can be happy, if all goes according to plan. But things have a habit of not following plans, no matter how they're accorded. And the greater the deviation, the more the smile is feigned.
Tuesday, September 27
Thursday, September 22
Addendum
(In response/continuation of the below post. Might want to read the other first, but I doubt you'd be missing much.)
I confuse myself. It's why I add that little disclaimer of "how I feel at the moment", because as soon as I write something I consider "definitive" down, I think back over it and figure out how wrong it is. Or how wrong it might be.
In this particular instance, I remember that I'm not too keen on some of the ideas involved in a relationship. The responsibility, the lack of freedom, the general awkwardness. My mood swings only compound the problem, and I'd wager that opening up my "emotional box" again might just cause the fluctuation to become significantly more dynamic. At the moment, I'm at a fairly constant gray/apathy. It goes up to minor carefree euphoria and down to briefly suicidal stress/depression, but they're both still innately gray emotions.
There's an interesting thing about me and caring. When I care about something, I tend to connect to it and really care about it. I suppose it's true for most people. For instance, when I watch a Tennessee football game and care if they win, I really get into it. I jump up and cheer, get anxious, and become rather depressed when things don't go "as planned."
I also really care about keeping my scholarship and getting a job as a teacher. Hence, I get really stressed over school and nervous when I think of all the ways I can lose my future, imaginary job. You can imagine how I'd react when I really cared about a volatile, unpredictable, frustrating person.
I know I've mentioned it before, but I don't handle passion well. Anger, especially. When I get really angry, I cry. I get choked up, to the point where I can't speak. I shake constantly (like I do whenever I have to perform unmedicated in front of a group). Emotion is a dangerous thing for me. It can potentially lead to a constant euphoria or an abysmal decent into crippling depression. So I guess that's what it comes down to. Do I want my constant contentment? Or do I want to take a risk?
I guess right now, I'd prefer the contentment over a risk. I look for an impossibility, a "sure thing", so that I can tell myself "Well, I don't really want/need it anyway" when I obviously can't find it. So, the further the deviance from the ideal, the greater the risk. And, right now, I'm not much of a risk taker.
But who knows? I'm likely to change any minute. This may lead you to wonder why, given the admittedly temporary quality of my mindsets, do I bother writing about them? Well, that's what this blog is partially for, a record of my psyche. I could care less what I did today, especially if it was trivial (as most things are). But being able to come back and look at my frame of mind/past viewpoints and observe how I've changed, that's valuable. It might even help me to understand my students, assuming I keep my job long enough to forget what being a teenager is like.
At this point I'm tempted to make self-deprecatory comments to lessen the risk of exposing my real thoughts. But honestly, I don't judge any of you, so I'd like to think that the "people who matter don't mind," as it were. I'd also like more perspective, to know how others feel and view me and themselves, in this regard and in all others. I might be offended/indignant, but I'll get over it and be better off for it. After all, this whole tirade started because my sister said something I thought was completely preposterous.
In the words of that saint among saints Ryan North, "I guess there is a lesson here FOR US ALL!"
I confuse myself. It's why I add that little disclaimer of "how I feel at the moment", because as soon as I write something I consider "definitive" down, I think back over it and figure out how wrong it is. Or how wrong it might be.
In this particular instance, I remember that I'm not too keen on some of the ideas involved in a relationship. The responsibility, the lack of freedom, the general awkwardness. My mood swings only compound the problem, and I'd wager that opening up my "emotional box" again might just cause the fluctuation to become significantly more dynamic. At the moment, I'm at a fairly constant gray/apathy. It goes up to minor carefree euphoria and down to briefly suicidal stress/depression, but they're both still innately gray emotions.
There's an interesting thing about me and caring. When I care about something, I tend to connect to it and really care about it. I suppose it's true for most people. For instance, when I watch a Tennessee football game and care if they win, I really get into it. I jump up and cheer, get anxious, and become rather depressed when things don't go "as planned."
I also really care about keeping my scholarship and getting a job as a teacher. Hence, I get really stressed over school and nervous when I think of all the ways I can lose my future, imaginary job. You can imagine how I'd react when I really cared about a volatile, unpredictable, frustrating person.
I know I've mentioned it before, but I don't handle passion well. Anger, especially. When I get really angry, I cry. I get choked up, to the point where I can't speak. I shake constantly (like I do whenever I have to perform unmedicated in front of a group). Emotion is a dangerous thing for me. It can potentially lead to a constant euphoria or an abysmal decent into crippling depression. So I guess that's what it comes down to. Do I want my constant contentment? Or do I want to take a risk?
I guess right now, I'd prefer the contentment over a risk. I look for an impossibility, a "sure thing", so that I can tell myself "Well, I don't really want/need it anyway" when I obviously can't find it. So, the further the deviance from the ideal, the greater the risk. And, right now, I'm not much of a risk taker.
But who knows? I'm likely to change any minute. This may lead you to wonder why, given the admittedly temporary quality of my mindsets, do I bother writing about them? Well, that's what this blog is partially for, a record of my psyche. I could care less what I did today, especially if it was trivial (as most things are). But being able to come back and look at my frame of mind/past viewpoints and observe how I've changed, that's valuable. It might even help me to understand my students, assuming I keep my job long enough to forget what being a teenager is like.
At this point I'm tempted to make self-deprecatory comments to lessen the risk of exposing my real thoughts. But honestly, I don't judge any of you, so I'd like to think that the "people who matter don't mind," as it were. I'd also like more perspective, to know how others feel and view me and themselves, in this regard and in all others. I might be offended/indignant, but I'll get over it and be better off for it. After all, this whole tirade started because my sister said something I thought was completely preposterous.
In the words of that saint among saints Ryan North, "I guess there is a lesson here FOR US ALL!"
Female Imagination
A few weeks ago, my sister and I went to see Macbeth. It was rather odd because my sister and I don't really do things with each other. I'm very... guarded around my family, whereas with anyone else I'm at least marginally comfortable with I'll tell them practically anything about myself. I don't really know them, and I don't really think they know me. I guess it's just easier.
Anyway, we walking back from the play and for some reason my sister said that I'm one of the most superificial people she knows. I was rather indignant. She said I have "impossible standards", wanting someone who's pretty and has a good personality. Of course, what person doesn't? Not to mention that, from what I've gathered, my definition of "pretty" is a fair bit below the "norm." For me, someone's personality has a very significant effect on the way I perceive them, and thus see their physical form.
But lately I've begun to doubt this. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my standards are too high. I've consoled myself by saying that I haven't met anyone with the right personality, but honestly does such a thing exist? I've thought about what I'd want, and, as egotistical as it sounds, I sort of want a female clone of myself.
I guess that's to be expected, since I'm pretty much the person I want to be, so my "ideal" is around myself. I could tolerate neglible deviations, such as taste in music, hobbies, political/spiritual views (as long as she didn't think I was going to Hell). But I sort of want a... complement. Someone who not only goes along with my errant madness, but adds to it and builds upon it in a way that makes us both laugh. Someone who's not concerned with who's doing whom how often, unless one of the parties involved wants/needs to talk about it. Someone who doesn't judge other people as long as they don't harm others. Someone passionate, but patient.
She wouldn't have to be very "feminine", as long as she didn't mind my lack of "masculinity." She wouldn't have to be very thin, as long as she wasn't noticeably obese. Height and breast size don't matter. She'd just need to have nice hair, preferably longer (although as long as it's not boy short I could probably stand it), and a pretty face. That's the worst part, the face. That's where the worst superficiality comes in. It's something that a person can't help. Something I can't define. Something one either passes or fails with no warning and no explanation other than "that's the way things are."
All and all, that seems to be where I stand. At the moment. I don't know my mind well enough to know if that's really how I feel. But it's how I think I feel. Is it impossible? No. Improbable? It seems like it. And I guess, at this point, most people would lower their standards. Most people would "make do." But I don't want to make do. I don't need to make do. I can go my entire life not dating once and still be happy. I could be happier, I could be more adequately "fulfilled", but I can do with solitude. So I keep my unrealistic, superifical standards, knowing that even if I found someone to meet them, I would self-destruct the realtionship in due time.
What's a poor, egotistical jerk to do?
Anyway, we walking back from the play and for some reason my sister said that I'm one of the most superificial people she knows. I was rather indignant. She said I have "impossible standards", wanting someone who's pretty and has a good personality. Of course, what person doesn't? Not to mention that, from what I've gathered, my definition of "pretty" is a fair bit below the "norm." For me, someone's personality has a very significant effect on the way I perceive them, and thus see their physical form.
But lately I've begun to doubt this. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my standards are too high. I've consoled myself by saying that I haven't met anyone with the right personality, but honestly does such a thing exist? I've thought about what I'd want, and, as egotistical as it sounds, I sort of want a female clone of myself.
I guess that's to be expected, since I'm pretty much the person I want to be, so my "ideal" is around myself. I could tolerate neglible deviations, such as taste in music, hobbies, political/spiritual views (as long as she didn't think I was going to Hell). But I sort of want a... complement. Someone who not only goes along with my errant madness, but adds to it and builds upon it in a way that makes us both laugh. Someone who's not concerned with who's doing whom how often, unless one of the parties involved wants/needs to talk about it. Someone who doesn't judge other people as long as they don't harm others. Someone passionate, but patient.
She wouldn't have to be very "feminine", as long as she didn't mind my lack of "masculinity." She wouldn't have to be very thin, as long as she wasn't noticeably obese. Height and breast size don't matter. She'd just need to have nice hair, preferably longer (although as long as it's not boy short I could probably stand it), and a pretty face. That's the worst part, the face. That's where the worst superficiality comes in. It's something that a person can't help. Something I can't define. Something one either passes or fails with no warning and no explanation other than "that's the way things are."
All and all, that seems to be where I stand. At the moment. I don't know my mind well enough to know if that's really how I feel. But it's how I think I feel. Is it impossible? No. Improbable? It seems like it. And I guess, at this point, most people would lower their standards. Most people would "make do." But I don't want to make do. I don't need to make do. I can go my entire life not dating once and still be happy. I could be happier, I could be more adequately "fulfilled", but I can do with solitude. So I keep my unrealistic, superifical standards, knowing that even if I found someone to meet them, I would self-destruct the realtionship in due time.
What's a poor, egotistical jerk to do?
Wednesday, September 14
Sacrihilarity
The crazies were out in force this morning. No, I don't mean libertarians. I mean the missionaries. Except this time they cam bearing signs. Really, really big signs.
It was kind of funny. They stood there with signs like "OBEY JESUS OR PERISH" and "EMBRACE JESUS LEST YE BE JUDGED" with lightning bolts or something like that and pretty much damned us all to Hell. One said, "God loved us so much he gave his only son to us!" I promptly thought of Elvis's "Return to Sender", broke up laughing, and felt all sinful-like.
I was inspired to create a giant sign that simply read "I DISAGREE." Then I'd put on a silly hat, take out a lawnchair and a shadeumbrella, and sit there all relaxed like. Or, perhaps, a sign reading "SATAN IS MY HOMEBOY."
Another idea was to haveone person come out with a sign saying "I LIKE KITTENS." He/She would yell things like "Forsake the dogs of the damned and embrace the felinic faith!" Then, a week later, someone with a sign saying "I LIKE PUPPIES." would come out and do a reverse performance. The two would eventually meet and an epic confrontation would ensue.
Just, you know, ideas for a rainy day. Raining hellfire and brimstone, that is.
It was kind of funny. They stood there with signs like "OBEY JESUS OR PERISH" and "EMBRACE JESUS LEST YE BE JUDGED" with lightning bolts or something like that and pretty much damned us all to Hell. One said, "God loved us so much he gave his only son to us!" I promptly thought of Elvis's "Return to Sender", broke up laughing, and felt all sinful-like.
I was inspired to create a giant sign that simply read "I DISAGREE." Then I'd put on a silly hat, take out a lawnchair and a shadeumbrella, and sit there all relaxed like. Or, perhaps, a sign reading "SATAN IS MY HOMEBOY."
Another idea was to haveone person come out with a sign saying "I LIKE KITTENS." He/She would yell things like "Forsake the dogs of the damned and embrace the felinic faith!" Then, a week later, someone with a sign saying "I LIKE PUPPIES." would come out and do a reverse performance. The two would eventually meet and an epic confrontation would ensue.
Just, you know, ideas for a rainy day. Raining hellfire and brimstone, that is.
Friday, September 9
Mission Uncomplished
Last night, as I walking back to my dorm with two of my new, fancy college friends, I was approached by, for lack of a better term, missionaries. I declined to take one of their little books, but Christopher decided he'd actually talk to them. It was rather distressing, because while I loathe the concept of Hell and am annoyed by all the contradictions of Christianity, I also really dislike deception. And Christopher just stood there, leading this woman on, toying with her for his own amusement. I saw him try to repress a smirk after a few of her comments, which was rather amusing, but the entire situation was uncomfortable. Elise, the other friend there, called him a "Sky Masteron" which I found rather apt.
I don't really know what to do about missionaries. I generally just try to avoid them. I could try to debate with them, but with mentalities like this, I rather doubt I'd have much success. Of course I don't believe that's a viewpoint indicative of a very significant portion of Christians, but it's still rather disturbing. Actually, it's kind of funny too. You ought to read "No Fear", "The Last Generation", and "The Missing Day" for some further reading on that site (listed under tracts). We agnostics are bbaaadddd people.
I don't really know what to do about missionaries. I generally just try to avoid them. I could try to debate with them, but with mentalities like this, I rather doubt I'd have much success. Of course I don't believe that's a viewpoint indicative of a very significant portion of Christians, but it's still rather disturbing. Actually, it's kind of funny too. You ought to read "No Fear", "The Last Generation", and "The Missing Day" for some further reading on that site (listed under tracts). We agnostics are bbaaadddd people.
Thursday, September 8
Facebooking the Music
After I got invited to be a friend of someone I've never met, I decided facebook is quite silly, so I further attacked my profile. I believe the proposterity is aboot complete, though further revisions may be necessary. Take that CIA soulstealers!