Well, I've gone into escape mode again. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything, I'm content with playing my game. What can we do? I know! Everybody buys Diablo II and we have a big dungeon crawling party! Seriously, I'm getting too wrapped up in this... These dungeons with all the darkness and aloneitude are creeping me out. And it's a video game! Go figure.
It satisfies the temporary angst problems of having no real purpose (maybe more on that later, my sister wants the computer). But it's still an escape. Ah well. I'll get bored with it in a week or two and hopefully things'll get better. Hopefully. Well, time to go. Sleep, have fun, and be merry.
Wednesday, June 30
Tuesday, June 29
Illegality
Today I did a number of illegal things. First, I went to Best Buy and bought a game (Diablo II, in fact; any of you people play it?). The lady asked me for an ID and I thought it was just some strange new store policy. I thought nothing more of it and drove on home. It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized it had an "M" rating and that I was supposed to be 18 to buy it. Go figure. Ironically, the same thing happened with Farenheit 911. The ticket-giver let us in, didn't even ask for ID.
The other are the general speeding we all do and rolling stops at stop signs. My problem is even when I stop for a stop sign, often I'm already halfway into the road. Eh, I'll have to work on it.
Well, time to start playing that new illegal video game. Talk to ya later!
The other are the general speeding we all do and rolling stops at stop signs. My problem is even when I stop for a stop sign, often I'm already halfway into the road. Eh, I'll have to work on it.
Well, time to start playing that new illegal video game. Talk to ya later!
Monday, June 28
Fiction
I went for a walk today. I was strolling along when I spotted a bird. A regular bird, not gray or blue or brown like you see in the movies. This one was normal. I said, "Hello" to the ball of neon pink fuzz that was staring right back at me. It responded with a few obscenities I'd rather not contemplate, and then flew onto an overhead water pipe. The drip, drip, drip of electricity resonated with a sonorous rhythm matched only by the sonic boom you commonly hear in black holes. In fact, I looked around to make sure no black holes were nearby when suddenly the bird let out a cry of elation. It was electrocuted on the spot, dead as a headless worm. I almost cried. I would have, if I hadn't been electrocuted as well. I never felt more alive than that last instant. My corpse returned home, but it forgot to close the gate so the dog got out. The dog knew the way home, so it wouldn't be returning this way if it had any say in the matter. I was glad it had finally obtained freedom. Really, I was. That tear? A tear of joy. Odd, how corpses cry. I've never seen a happy cadaver. Until today.
Sunday, June 27
Pishaw
Hmm. The break seems to be slipping through my fingers. I suppose that's ok, I'm looking forward to many aspects of school starting again. Not the stress, of course. Maybe I'll have to work on that... Any suggestions?
Saturday, June 26
Well...
Now that's a deep subject. So is my yard. Hence, I apparently need twice the estimated amount of sand and gravel for our patio. I don't want to build a patio, I don't think we need a patio, but I don't have a choice. I do have a mission: Get more gravel and sand. It's messy work, and they're heavy. But look on the bright side: at least this can suffice instead of me lifting weights. Hoo-rah.
Friday, June 25
The Appearance of Love (Or lack thereof)
Ah, here I am again. And there you are. We have to stop meeting like this. Really, you never call, you never write, I just preach and ramble at you. We need better communication! Speaking of communication, this thing is gonna ramble everywhere. You have been warned. (No, really. I wrote it in different chunks, just had some things I'd been thinking about, and spewed them on here. I'm rather tired and really don't have a coherent train of thought going. Read at your own risk and disregard most of it after the first two paragraphs.)
Anyway, I did indeed make an entry yesterday. It was in my spinoff blog (you know, the one you're not allowed to read until you finish Perse). I haven't given up on Perse, but it was a good "resting point." I'll probably lay off awhile before I try to go back to weekly entries again. I dunno, I don't think I should go into the spinoff because it's a tad of a spoiler. But it's interesting, aiming for different tones and speakers everytime. Each entry is a different experience.
Eh, I just don't know. On the one hand, it's a nice hobby to have. Some kids do drugs, others do sports. I write and play games. But I keep having these delusions of grandeur. I keep thinking, "You can take it to another level!" I would really like to write a book of some sort. It'd have to be like Perse, zany and entertaining, but it'd have to be good enough to be published. People would have to like it. The problem is, I don't know how to achieve that. I have all these self-doubts that constantly plague me. And I don't want to set myself up for a crushing defeat.
I need a positive reinforcer. I suppose I need to fall in love (I'm out, in case you didn't know; I burned it off somehow. I blame the magic pixies). But love is going to be a very difficult issue for me. For one thing, the person will have to need me. I'm pretty certain I'm never going to ask another person, I just don't care enough. I deny myself quite a bit, and while restraint can be a good thing, I do it to excess. I downplay so much of the goings on of my life, I've ended up bored and rather boring. In some respects I've become stronger, and when I'm strong, I feel strong. But it's a precarious position. I'm so easily brought down by a doubt or comment by myself or others, I may as well be as weak as anyone else. If I was in love (and by that, I mean a "relationship" where such a feeling was mutual), I'd have a constant source of reassurance. It'd build confidence and fill the hollowness that causes me to crumble with such force and frequency.
It sounds worth it, but then I start actually thinking about the dynamics. I could tolerate the opinions of others, basically her opinion would suffice and I'd be able to actually, truly not be affected by others. But I'm just so stubborn. I don't take initiative or have interesting things to do. Like I said, I'm a bored and boring person. While I'd compromise on some issues, there are others than I'd flat out refuse. I can be quite apathetically difficult.
Or the opposite can be true. One of the things I dislike about myself is that I lack the ability to be "warm." I'm a cold, dry, usually dour person. While I suppose it has some good points (I rather like my sense of dark humor), I can't really show much positive emotion. Heck, I don't even get many positive emotions. I care, I really do, but it's so difficult to express it. I can't throw the word "love" around like some people do, because when I say it I mean either the love of a family member or the real, ultimate thing. I don't "love" any activities enough to say that I love them. I do plenty, but mainly to escape. I don't love life yet, but I think I can, after college. Another discussion, though. I'm just rather individual and cold. I need other people, I generally try to have their best interests at heart, and I always want the best for them. Anyone could talk to me about anything, and I would hold no personal negative feelings towards them for whatever they told me. I might denounce some actions or ways of thought, I might chastise, but I only do so for the good of the individual and others involved. My philosophy is generally "Whatever makes you happy", although sometimes we think we're obtaining happiness, but it's only an illusion that will quickly fade, showing your mirage to really be a cactus in disguise. But I don't openly express it. I don't announce to the world that I'm understanding and non-judgmental. I just act apathetically indifferent. And then, of course, there's the whole "no contact" thing. I think I've gotten to the point where I can tolerate it, but I certainly won't seek it. I still try to avoid it, but I'll probably start chastising myself when I do.
Of course, the whole "waiting" thing is also a problem. I'm a pretty reactionary person. I rarely take initiative myself, but if you start something with me I'll be glad to go through with it. I dunno, in certain moods I'd be willing to do some pretty strange things. Legal and moral, of course, but you won't know til you ask. I just wait for people to involve me. I don't call people often, I don't IM them much, I just wait for them to. Unless I have a specific reason. I just don't start "conversations." I require "reasons." I want "plans." And it's a real downer.
Anyway, another problem with love and I is that I don't know if I'd ever try it out with someone I didn't share at least some feelings for. I dunno, attractive appearances for me are rather interesting. I might be able to tell you who was "pretty", but personality is too closely associated. As I know someone more, get a better sense for who they are, their very appearance becomes more becoming. I noticed watching a movie the other day. As the character was shown to have more integrity or whatever, she became prettier almost instantaneously. I dunno, maybe it happens to everyone. But "society" or "entertainment" or something seems to contradict the notion. I don't really find models all that pretty. I wouldn't call them ugly, but they're just people. The standard of "pretty" and "beautiful" seems placed on the outside so much now. People need pretty clothes, nice hair cuts, etc. I just want a plain person. As I like the person more, they become more attractive. It's as simple as that. I don't care about breasts or figures (although, I'm incredibly sorry to say, excess in the latter might be a bit of a factor, but it would have to be a great deal of excess. No one I know, at any rate). I just want a plain face. I'm a face person. Sure, my eyes drift to breasts occasionally, but I loathe it everytime it happens. It'd be nice if girls just never showed cleavage in the first place. Then the part of my mind I'm constantly fighting losing battles with wouldn't ever be tempted. Boggles the mind, it really does.
Let's see... I've written this so disjointedly, it's like a pointless maze now. I should delete it. But I won't. The public deserves to know! Or get lost trying. Heh, goodnight all. Pleasant Dreams.
Anyway, I did indeed make an entry yesterday. It was in my spinoff blog (you know, the one you're not allowed to read until you finish Perse). I haven't given up on Perse, but it was a good "resting point." I'll probably lay off awhile before I try to go back to weekly entries again. I dunno, I don't think I should go into the spinoff because it's a tad of a spoiler. But it's interesting, aiming for different tones and speakers everytime. Each entry is a different experience.
Eh, I just don't know. On the one hand, it's a nice hobby to have. Some kids do drugs, others do sports. I write and play games. But I keep having these delusions of grandeur. I keep thinking, "You can take it to another level!" I would really like to write a book of some sort. It'd have to be like Perse, zany and entertaining, but it'd have to be good enough to be published. People would have to like it. The problem is, I don't know how to achieve that. I have all these self-doubts that constantly plague me. And I don't want to set myself up for a crushing defeat.
I need a positive reinforcer. I suppose I need to fall in love (I'm out, in case you didn't know; I burned it off somehow. I blame the magic pixies). But love is going to be a very difficult issue for me. For one thing, the person will have to need me. I'm pretty certain I'm never going to ask another person, I just don't care enough. I deny myself quite a bit, and while restraint can be a good thing, I do it to excess. I downplay so much of the goings on of my life, I've ended up bored and rather boring. In some respects I've become stronger, and when I'm strong, I feel strong. But it's a precarious position. I'm so easily brought down by a doubt or comment by myself or others, I may as well be as weak as anyone else. If I was in love (and by that, I mean a "relationship" where such a feeling was mutual), I'd have a constant source of reassurance. It'd build confidence and fill the hollowness that causes me to crumble with such force and frequency.
It sounds worth it, but then I start actually thinking about the dynamics. I could tolerate the opinions of others, basically her opinion would suffice and I'd be able to actually, truly not be affected by others. But I'm just so stubborn. I don't take initiative or have interesting things to do. Like I said, I'm a bored and boring person. While I'd compromise on some issues, there are others than I'd flat out refuse. I can be quite apathetically difficult.
Or the opposite can be true. One of the things I dislike about myself is that I lack the ability to be "warm." I'm a cold, dry, usually dour person. While I suppose it has some good points (I rather like my sense of dark humor), I can't really show much positive emotion. Heck, I don't even get many positive emotions. I care, I really do, but it's so difficult to express it. I can't throw the word "love" around like some people do, because when I say it I mean either the love of a family member or the real, ultimate thing. I don't "love" any activities enough to say that I love them. I do plenty, but mainly to escape. I don't love life yet, but I think I can, after college. Another discussion, though. I'm just rather individual and cold. I need other people, I generally try to have their best interests at heart, and I always want the best for them. Anyone could talk to me about anything, and I would hold no personal negative feelings towards them for whatever they told me. I might denounce some actions or ways of thought, I might chastise, but I only do so for the good of the individual and others involved. My philosophy is generally "Whatever makes you happy", although sometimes we think we're obtaining happiness, but it's only an illusion that will quickly fade, showing your mirage to really be a cactus in disguise. But I don't openly express it. I don't announce to the world that I'm understanding and non-judgmental. I just act apathetically indifferent. And then, of course, there's the whole "no contact" thing. I think I've gotten to the point where I can tolerate it, but I certainly won't seek it. I still try to avoid it, but I'll probably start chastising myself when I do.
Of course, the whole "waiting" thing is also a problem. I'm a pretty reactionary person. I rarely take initiative myself, but if you start something with me I'll be glad to go through with it. I dunno, in certain moods I'd be willing to do some pretty strange things. Legal and moral, of course, but you won't know til you ask. I just wait for people to involve me. I don't call people often, I don't IM them much, I just wait for them to. Unless I have a specific reason. I just don't start "conversations." I require "reasons." I want "plans." And it's a real downer.
Anyway, another problem with love and I is that I don't know if I'd ever try it out with someone I didn't share at least some feelings for. I dunno, attractive appearances for me are rather interesting. I might be able to tell you who was "pretty", but personality is too closely associated. As I know someone more, get a better sense for who they are, their very appearance becomes more becoming. I noticed watching a movie the other day. As the character was shown to have more integrity or whatever, she became prettier almost instantaneously. I dunno, maybe it happens to everyone. But "society" or "entertainment" or something seems to contradict the notion. I don't really find models all that pretty. I wouldn't call them ugly, but they're just people. The standard of "pretty" and "beautiful" seems placed on the outside so much now. People need pretty clothes, nice hair cuts, etc. I just want a plain person. As I like the person more, they become more attractive. It's as simple as that. I don't care about breasts or figures (although, I'm incredibly sorry to say, excess in the latter might be a bit of a factor, but it would have to be a great deal of excess. No one I know, at any rate). I just want a plain face. I'm a face person. Sure, my eyes drift to breasts occasionally, but I loathe it everytime it happens. It'd be nice if girls just never showed cleavage in the first place. Then the part of my mind I'm constantly fighting losing battles with wouldn't ever be tempted. Boggles the mind, it really does.
Let's see... I've written this so disjointedly, it's like a pointless maze now. I should delete it. But I won't. The public deserves to know! Or get lost trying. Heh, goodnight all. Pleasant Dreams.
Wednesday, June 23
Brief Update
Bowling went well. They stopped the $1 per game discount, so a weekly thing is questionable. It's still cheaper than a movie. Back to the drawing board, perhaps.
I was ok with silence today. It wasn't as bad as it often is. Still not great though.
If only I knew how to "hang out." The concept is just too foreign to me. I can sit around and do nothing on my own! Eh, if only I had a bigger house. Must wait til college, I suppose. Farewell til next time!
I was ok with silence today. It wasn't as bad as it often is. Still not great though.
If only I knew how to "hang out." The concept is just too foreign to me. I can sit around and do nothing on my own! Eh, if only I had a bigger house. Must wait til college, I suppose. Farewell til next time!